Time to try and empty my head....

I'm just going to vent and try to empty my head of all emotional stuff....

That being said, this post has a TRIGGER possibility... DO NOT read this if you are not strong....


TRIGGER WARNING!!!



Now that I have that out of the way, in the last 24 hours I have been very suicidal. I have only told one person, until now. But what I haven't said, would scare just about anyone.... I have started to really plan, and this is never a good sign.... I will see my pdoc and T all in one day, but I just hope that they can help. With the thoughts I'm having I'm a bit...... to put it in simple terms, my head hurts, I can't think straight, and yet I still keep trying to do homework...

Mmmm emotions.... what am I feeling right now?...... lonely, anxious, nervous, scared, angry because of the thoughts that it seems like they are automatic thoughts, and they just keep coming... and coming... and coming. I'm having a hard time fighting these thoughts, and I just want to give in, but I'll talk with both my pdoc and T, before I do anything. I'd have time afterwards to do something to snap me out of this..... Maybe something relaxing, could help.

I've tried to ground, but when my head is starting to feel like it's shaking, grounding just doesn't work. I've tried to visualize a peaceful place, focus on things around me, focused on some homework topics for recall practice, focused on a video, and focus on my breathing, but none of those are helping.

I'm running out of options to try, and calling a T is just not something I want to do... it's weird.... I've never done that before. It's something new to me... and I'm just not comfortable with that.

Bad Day....

Today has been terrible... I've had many thoughts of suicide. I haven't been able to focus at all, and I have a paper due at 8am tomorrow..... and my mind is not with me, it's of thinking of things I could do instead. I need to write this paper, and turn it in by email.... I... just am not getting anywhere... I can't think straight, which is a problem with writing a paper.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Head hits wall HARD!!!!

What can I do to get working on that paper???

Should be studying....

I really should be studying I have a test next week. And so far, I've done better on this round....a 96% on my Chemistry test.... yea... kind of.

I'm in an abnormal psychology class, and today we talked about suicide. I did well not to be triggered in class, but now, it's a different story. I am trying to remain in control, and doing well. I've had to distract myself with my favorite show... it has worked... which is good, but I've completely zoned out, and I need to get some homework done, and studying done..... what am I going to do, to be able to study, and read about suicide.... any ideas??

Time

I have two tests this week, and I don't feel like studying, at all. I'm trying to get myself to study, but it's not working. I need to study, but lacking motivation to start studying. I should just try, or just get some food..... I should..... AHHHHHHH