Halloween

This morning I got up late.... and by late I mean 45 minutes before my second class. I just didn't want to get up. My alarm went off this morning at 6am but that didn't happen. I set several alarms, and right now I don't know what will get me out of bed. I know that I have things to do but, I'm not really wanting to do it.

Will positive reinforcement help??? Every time that I get up at the first alarm on a school day (without work) I will get to put $0.10 into a jar to by some sort of treat from a yogurt place. Ya that should work. We will see.

If I fail to get up like I did today, and feel like I need to be punished then $0.20 will be taken from the jar. If for some reason si happens then everything in the jar will be removed. If there is nothing to take from the jar then, 25 crunches will be done or until the thinking starts to change. If for some reason punishment is given then the amount to put put in the jar will decrease to $0.05 and decrease there after.

Homework....

I have a lot to do, and yet I don't want to.... Part of it could be the fact that on the last test I didn't do so well, and not to mention I'm very frustrated with not knowing how to do things. I'm learning lots of things but I just don't want to do anything at the moment. Which I know that is one of the things for me that makes college life very hard. I just hope I can find some strength to get it done.... here's for hoping...

Also on a side note, there is another page for this blog. The information on there will change and resources will be added as I have time to find them. So please be patient.

grrr (could trigger)

I heard about a suicide today of a classmate, and it's affected me. I didn't even know her, but I still see the effect on campus. It is a tragedy, but at the same time it made me see how people react to the news. I've thought about it a lot, and the thing is, it's a trigger for me. It's sad yes, but the crazy Ideas have come back. And that is something that I don't want to happen. I'm concerned, of course, that the crazy ideas have hit so hard, and the fact that I'm not sure how to "get away" from them. I've just thought about this for far to long, and it's getting on my nerves. I'm scared that eventually I'll turn to one of the ideas or really start hurting myself through si. And that's the thinking that has gotten me in trouble. And it's this black/white type thinking or the perfectionism, or self-destructive behaviors that creates the reason for thinking of such things. Its hard to get away from this type of thinking, and because of it, it brings fear of the unknown.

The "What Ifs" in life that get in the way, and for me they lead to the si or sui thinking/behaviors. Honestly Life is hard but its the what ifs that are getting me in situations that either I choose one thing over another. Logically this all makes sense but emotionally the What ifs are quite disturbing, and make it so that I just don't know how to handle them. Apparently I'm more emotional than I had thought. Then I want. I have things to learn, but with the emotions going through me so strongly it makes it extremely difficult to even want to learn Physics or Chemistry. At this point in time, I'm very scared, that what could be around the next corner could be very harmful emotionally. Like the test that I got back today, I'm not happy with my grade, or the fact that I could have had 2 more points had I chosen the right answer, but no he couldn't just give everyone 2 points, instead it's only those who answered it right. I'm frustrated, beyond believe. Not only with my grades but with all the emotions that are coming because of hearing about this tragedy. (Head hits desk)

Therapy Session day

Today I have a session, and I need to come up with what I want to talk about now. The hard part is I'm at a stalemate. I have added exercise (three times a week) and that seems to help. I also practiced my instrument for the first time in several months, and it felt good. But I'm worried, that I'll fall back in to the trap of some of the not so good things that I have done. I'm scared to try and face these not so good things. I've been told to address the inflexible thinking that I some times have, the thing is part of that way of thinking has saved me with a few things. I'm scared to change that, because I've already thought about cutting, and that's the one area that makes it very difficult. I've made the choose not to cut, but it's almost to tempting. I'm trying to deal with this on my own, but being told to many different things. First my doc doesn't think I can do this/doesn't know that I'm attempting this on my own. Two my therapist doesn't know how to help, and I don't know what to do exactly. Three between the meds and all other things that I'm doing just doesn't seem like it is enough.
      So what do I talk about with this session?? Do I do what my doc wants me to figure out?? Do I attempt to figure this out, on my own? Oh wait that's exactly what I'm doing. I have to figure it out first before I can tell another. If I can't figure it out then I'm at a stalemate with any other person because I can't figure it out. Yes some times it is easier to talk it out, but for me putting things into words is extremely difficult. It may not seem like it but some times posting takes quite a bit of time to figure out what to write about.

The question still remains, what do I talk about, What do I want help with to figure out additional ways to help myself? What do I need to change? Doc says the rigid thinking, and anything associated with the SUI and SI urges. I think that there is a lot more that meets the eye; the only issues is how much more. Maybe I should make a list of things I feel like I need to work on.

Usage of time adding to the addictions (to watching t.v., to the si behavior, to the sui thinking, to the fact of laziness)
SI, SUI behavior that is attached to the thinking
All or nothing thinking
Not wanting to change, but feeling like I have to
The thinking that I'm changing only enough to get a degree
Knowing that I want the degree more than anything else, and not being able to get it
Feeling like I have to do what others are doing around me

What's the most important one to work on.... their all important, but the degree issues are ones that are hard for me to deal with on my own. I feel as if I'm changing for the wrong reasons. I want the degree, and what stands in my way is the letters that I need to get the degree, and that requires change, which is not happening as fast as I want. I feel like I have to trick people in to writing the letters so I can move on, but that's not going to help the course I have to do. I have to do a lot to get the degree that I've worked so hard to get. I hate this. Not getting my degree is not an option. And yet it seems so far away.

Yes this is what I need to work on, and see if there are other things to do to not have so much guilt with this. I know the cause of this, I just have to convince myself to change for the RIGHT reason, and not just to get the letters and then deal with things later. and part of this is the all or nothing thinking. Either I do well, or not, there is no gray spots. I know the thinking is wrong, but I don't know how to become flexible with this, and this means life. I can do this, I can change, I can become flexible, I know who I was before all of these thoughts, and I know what to do to help the anxiety to lessen. I just don't know how to get the letters to move on. And that is where I start in a few hours. I start with the letters, and the need for them and hopefully I can get one of them written soon, but for the right reason.

Anxious

I feel like I am close to an anxiety attack, and I'm not sure I can control the anxiety. Then again I also feel as if I need to be punished for feeling anxious, depressed, not doing what I said I would do, for sleeping to much, for doing things I shouldn't be doing, for listening to my alter. Boy I haven't said my alter in a while, but I was trained by my pdoc to think of her as me, and now it doesn't seem like that anymore. It's not me, It's her. I just feel like I'm losing that control that I gained so long a go. (Or thought I did) It just doesn't seem like the relabeling is really what I should do know, because it's not me, I don't think I should be punished for sleeping to much, and she does. She really gets on my nerves. and I'm trying to block her access to my body, but it just doesn't seem like that will work anymore. And this is one of those things that you wish had never started, but the truth hurts, it started up again. This isn't me, and I know that, I just don't know how much longer I can keep her at bay, before she takes over and causes an anxiety attack, and makes it so I can't move. Some times I wish I could get rid of her, but right now, during classes, what do I do. I have 25 minutes before class starts, and I see more people, meaning I have 25 minutes to get this all out in hopes that it will help and I can regain every aspect of my mind. Needless to say I'm scared, and I keep looking around to see who's watching.... This all seems crazy looking back at it. Should I just try to relabel this all, or try and just let the storm go?? I'm a bit more afraid of letting things go, due to the fact that if someone in the professionals finds out, I could end up committed. Which is not what I want at all. I just want to have peace away from all of this turmoil. But it seems like I can't have that. How much longer can I hold on to reality, How much longer do I have before things get worse? How much longer do I have before someone finds out around me? Am I really paranoid?  Am I really thinking of it as an alter again? What can I do to not be trapped in my own mind again? Is this all just an Illusion of something I don't want that is being made up by me being in so much pain that it seems like this illusion is my only way of thinking about this? So many questions so little time.

Light = Music

I feel so alive right now.... I want to practice, but I have a test to study for. But I still took time out to practice even for 5 minutes. It felt sooo good. I want to play more but I need to study. I need to figure out how to add in the practice time. But I must study... and I will practice more tomorrow, starting with scales, etudes, and finally Solos. I'll start tomorrow. and I'll also work out too. I know I have the time. I just need to get up on time, and feel the need to live.

Time Management...

I need to work on time management, I'm not to good at it, but I know what I need to do, and just haven't really gotten to the point where I can get all done. I want to add two things to help with the stress management. The things I want to add is practicing my Clarinet, and exercising more. And still get all the studying in that I need.

How do I accomplish this?? Will a schedule help? If I structure my time, can I add in these things? Will I stick to this plan? Time will tell.

After....

So it's been a few days, and I'm still happy, and my thoughts are clean. And the difference is??? Getting stabilized on the med again. But I still have the anxiety being high. I guess that is what I need to try and address, and find something that works. The only question is do I try a different med, or do I try a different relaxation technique? Honestly I like trying different things better than meds, for more than one reason.

As far as the source of the anxiety, most likely its several things. Work, school, finances, pdocs, Psyc testing, and .... who knows what else... So how to deal with all this... not sure...

Ideas
Add more music practice
Add more exercise (3 times a week)
Add a stable work schedule, but then it's find a job stress
Add more therapy sessions.... oh wait with what time

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses. I have an excuse for about anything. Then what's my excuse for not adding something that could help.... I guess I don't have an excuse except for the time factor. But over the past week, I  think I have time to add something to help me with the anxiety level.

It's time to not make an excuse for helping my anxiety level.  

I finally feel like me... I want to play my instruments. I want to do well in school. I want to exercise. I want to not give in to addiction. But the only thing is that the addictions where a part of me for quite a while. The only question is what do I do if they return. With feeling like me again, I just hope that it stays this way.

I felt like cooking for the first time. I may be crazy but I feel like myself again. And I'm happy.

Hard week

I haven't posted much this week just because of all that has happened. It's been stressful, and it's time I admitted it. I have a test this week in Physics, and the best part about it, is the fact that I most likely got a higher score then the last. Which is exciting, and I know I worked hard, but at the same time somethings wrong. I can feel it. Even if I feel like there is something wrong, I know I can't give in to what ever it is. I know I have a stressful week ahead of me, due to working out of town, a Chemistry test, a Final Project Proposal, and a Statistics Lab. It should be interesting to see how well that I can do each. I don't doubt that things are hard, but they are all possible. I know my limits, I know what I can do, and I know a few things that should help. I.E. going back to playing my instruments, and getting time in for myself. I know I can do this. I'm determined to do so.

Clearer mind

It took causing pain to have a clearer mind, but not clear enough. I'm doing my best. But there seems to be other things going on. I was able to clear my mind for a few hours but I'm almost not sure that it will last. Since the thoughts lasted for more than a week, Will one time be enough to keep my head clear? And that's where I'm almost afraid that having the pain is the only way to keep a clear mind. Agg, I just hope I can think in the next few hours to do homework.

SCREAM

The title says it all. If only I could in real life. Then maybe things would be better.... if only

I tried playing an instrument that I used to enjoy... I don't enjoy it anymore.... What can I do more to help myself? To many questions not enough answers... or at least answers I like


And I have homework to do... I'm not getting much done right now.... my will to do it has left and gone out the window.

4 days later....

The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I've  been dealing with a lot, and not posting much. Due to the nature of all of the thinking, I have to be somewhat vague. Due to the fact that there is no restrictions on the blog. So I'll keep this PG, to the best of my abilities.
I've been dealing with so much, and have wanted to give up on all. I have written some stuff that.... I'll leave that up to the readers mind to determine. What is worse is when your pdoc starts talking about how he doesn't understand me at all, and the communication level decreases.... by ten fold. I want a new pdoc, and a new therapist. This combination is just not working. and is this all due to the medication increase?? Time will tell when I get back down and stable on the chemicals.

But then there's the issue of having to see the pdoc again in 9 days. I don't like him at all. For one he types WAY to much... like about 50% of the time, and the fact that I get lectures almost every time. I hate having to deal with him. Oh wait.... it seems like since the best pdoc that I started with, each one has been terrible, and the therapists have all gone to a stalemate and I'm not getting anywhere with anyone.


3....2....1... SCREAM!!!!!!



Oh and one more thing.... 4 days of a lot of hard times= mental exhaustion.  And that plus midterms = CRAZY

Need sleep, or falling asleep

I'm so tired right now but I have two labs today starting at 11am. All I want to do is sleep right now, and I know that is a symptom of depression, meaning its impacting my life. And I don't know what I can do without changing meds. Or am I just making excuses? It all comes back from the Yoda quote. "Do or Do Not, there is no try" I'm attempting to stay awake but some of the time not succeeding. But there is nothing I can do about that one.

Today though I need to make more progress with studies then I did yesterday. It's a priority to me, and it always has been. But lately everything has been affected. All I can hope for is to steadily improve, and try not to fall asleep. I thought music would help, but it hasn't yet. GRR. I need to study, but I'm not sure I really want to either. What more can I do?

Time to Get Priorities Straight

For the longest time I have not really wanted to improve my life, and since there is a stalemate in my treatment it's time to really start improving. And the first thing is to get my priorities straight, and to the point where I can actually want to improve my life.

In no particular order
Getting up on time, on the first alarm
Not watching so much media
Not being on the computer for as long, if not doing homework
Start and continue working out 3 times a week
Working on my talents

At this time I'm choosing to get up on time. The last three days I got up either 20 minutes before I had to leave the house, or 10 minutes before class starts. Both not good. I can remember times in high school where I would us an actual alarm and that seemed to work, which means no more phone alarm. Besides I ignore it way to much when it does go off.

Right now I"m scared to try this, I'm finding more excuses to not do this, and the excuses have to stop, I can't keep on this path of finding reasons not to do something. I need good reasons to do things, and to do them.

As Yoda Says,   "Do or Do Not. There is no try" And I'll add, Many excuses are there, but there's only one way to do. I will do that one first, and then add more in as I can.

Still Down....

I had the unfriendly realization that I'm still depressed. GRRR. I can tell because of addiction. I am addicted the the media entertainment (ie netflix, movies, t.v. shows) and at this point I don't know how to get away so that I can do the things I want but have little desire to do because I'm so down. It's kind of like the double edged sword, if I don't change than I could be risking being suicidal, and if I do change then I could risk the fact that the addictions could be getting worse. Needless to say I'm confused. I don't know what I want, and I know part of it is the depression symptoms getting worse, without my knowledge. What do I do to stay strong, to stay happy?

I think I have found out what I want to talk about today with my counseling session. It scares me to give up something so big, and not know how to replace that time. But it's not only media, its the internet, facebook, and online gaming. That's why it scares me so much, is it's become a big part of me, and I don't know how to replace it.

But I must get back to studying for my Stats Test tomorrow. I must study, and be less distracted.... I hope.

Double Edged Sword

I've had to take control over my meds, and well instead of sui, si, and the flashes, I get anxiety. But what's worse, anxiety or sui thoughts?? I'd take the constant anxiety over the sui. Sui thoughts take a lot out of you, and I was getting to close to have to go back to the mental hospital, and I just can't afford it. (either with money, or with time away from school. I'm taking some hard classes, and honestly I"m not getting everything. This weekend I broke down because of all the sui thoughts, I just can't take school right now and those thoughts. But what more can I do, but to back of on the meds, and then just talk with the doc about it later. The only question is what do I do until I can see him??? I've got homework to distract myself but, it's just not enough. Distractions don't help, the thoughts and images still come. Even as I'm typing this. I am quite scared right now, I'm scared to be alone right now, or drive. and yet at the same time, I don't want help.

My life seems to be like a double edged sword. Either I deal with all of the thoughts and feelings or I don't. Either way, its still hard. I haven't been in this position in several months, and I was okay with the feelings disappearing. I just hate the fact that they have reappeared, and dealing with them and school, is very difficult. I need help, I need someone to really talk to. I need to stop lying about how I'm really doing. I lie every time someone asks me "How are you?" And I say fine, or good, but other than that, I never say how I really am doing. For once I want to tell the truth, For once I want to be just fine, and not having to deal with these thoughts.

I've got to find myself, and find a better way to handle these thoughts, Is there such a way? Is there something I can do to help myself? Is there some sort of action that could help? Is there anything that I can do to ease the thoughts, without the pain?

I don't know what to do, except ignore the thoughts, or totally embrace them and hurt because of them. But I do have a lot to do today, but I just don't want to even try anymore. I'm almost to the point of giving up. Is there anyone out there that can help? I guess I'm getting way to close to the dark side. and I'm scared.