Anxious

I feel like I am close to an anxiety attack, and I'm not sure I can control the anxiety. Then again I also feel as if I need to be punished for feeling anxious, depressed, not doing what I said I would do, for sleeping to much, for doing things I shouldn't be doing, for listening to my alter. Boy I haven't said my alter in a while, but I was trained by my pdoc to think of her as me, and now it doesn't seem like that anymore. It's not me, It's her. I just feel like I'm losing that control that I gained so long a go. (Or thought I did) It just doesn't seem like the relabeling is really what I should do know, because it's not me, I don't think I should be punished for sleeping to much, and she does. She really gets on my nerves. and I'm trying to block her access to my body, but it just doesn't seem like that will work anymore. And this is one of those things that you wish had never started, but the truth hurts, it started up again. This isn't me, and I know that, I just don't know how much longer I can keep her at bay, before she takes over and causes an anxiety attack, and makes it so I can't move. Some times I wish I could get rid of her, but right now, during classes, what do I do. I have 25 minutes before class starts, and I see more people, meaning I have 25 minutes to get this all out in hopes that it will help and I can regain every aspect of my mind. Needless to say I'm scared, and I keep looking around to see who's watching.... This all seems crazy looking back at it. Should I just try to relabel this all, or try and just let the storm go?? I'm a bit more afraid of letting things go, due to the fact that if someone in the professionals finds out, I could end up committed. Which is not what I want at all. I just want to have peace away from all of this turmoil. But it seems like I can't have that. How much longer can I hold on to reality, How much longer do I have before things get worse? How much longer do I have before someone finds out around me? Am I really paranoid?  Am I really thinking of it as an alter again? What can I do to not be trapped in my own mind again? Is this all just an Illusion of something I don't want that is being made up by me being in so much pain that it seems like this illusion is my only way of thinking about this? So many questions so little time.