Saturday, July 27, 2013
Up since 4am... and still up!!!!
I should be sleeping but still can't sleep, even though I know I'm tired. The issue is I finally told someone face to face what has been going on with some people close to me. It's been very hard to deal with and I haven't wanted to talk about it very much. AHHHHHH and of course I want things I can't have... I hope something changes... soon... or I can find someone to talk to....
Friday, July 26, 2013
Cut
When you accidentally cut your finger while cleaning a knife, get the bleeding to stop, and then the next day, you do nothing... and then after you have a shift that involves leaving town, driving 3 hours, and then working, and then driving back all before noon... really sucks.
I thought I could handle the cut, and the self injury.... and right now, I can't. It's interrupting sleep. I need sleep.... should sleep, but right now... things aren't good...I should sleep before work... need sleep but can't stop my mind.
Guess it's time to try meditation.....
I thought I could handle the cut, and the self injury.... and right now, I can't. It's interrupting sleep. I need sleep.... should sleep, but right now... things aren't good...I should sleep before work... need sleep but can't stop my mind.
Guess it's time to try meditation.....
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Positive Quotes
I was reading a book and there was several quotes that I like... and I thought I should share...
"A Year: From now you may wish you had Started Today"
~Karen Lamb
"The difference in wining and losing is most often..... Not Quitting"
~Walt Disney.
More later... time for me to sleep after being up for 17 hours... and then got to do the whole thing over again...
"A Year: From now you may wish you had Started Today"
~Karen Lamb
"The difference in wining and losing is most often..... Not Quitting"
~Walt Disney.
More later... time for me to sleep after being up for 17 hours... and then got to do the whole thing over again...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Cry
After this past few weeks has been very hard, but today has been full of flashbacks. Recently, there was a suicide that I was informed about... and going back into that room has been hard, and anxiety provoking. Tomorrow I have to go back to that room, and feel all of the anxiety. And then the realization that my family is no longer safe from me to talk to about all things related to bipolar symptoms.
Tears started to flow....
and flow...
and drop.........
memories have come up.....
issues have come
and NO ONE knows.....
NO one is really safe for me anymore.
I"m afraid, if I start to talk then people will start to be more concerned, and I just can't see that look in their eyes that says that.
I've had several thoughts that make the flashbacks, more real, and more about me. I'm going at this alone, and what I really need is a safe person around me and one that I can talk to about all things related to being bipolar. Where I can feel safe talking about just about anything, and have someone there for nights like tonight. Instead I just cry and hug a pillow, and come on here to see things out, before any other action is taken. AHHHHHHH
Tears started to flow....
and flow...
and drop.........
memories have come up.....
issues have come
and NO ONE knows.....
NO one is really safe for me anymore.
I"m afraid, if I start to talk then people will start to be more concerned, and I just can't see that look in their eyes that says that.
I've had several thoughts that make the flashbacks, more real, and more about me. I'm going at this alone, and what I really need is a safe person around me and one that I can talk to about all things related to being bipolar. Where I can feel safe talking about just about anything, and have someone there for nights like tonight. Instead I just cry and hug a pillow, and come on here to see things out, before any other action is taken. AHHHHHHH
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Why answered....
I know this post is going to be hard, after the therapy session that I went through today.
And then there's a knock on the door. I really don't want to answer, so I don't. I just want to be alone...
It's been a very hard day for me. Two days before I was suicidal, and then after listening to music, things improved. Today before the session, I prepared by just getting ready for the day. Once I got there, I was early for one thing, but I was able to stay calm. Started to talk, and what it all came down to was this.
Co-dependence. Over the years I have had to rely on family members. There I said it. I used suicide and self-harm methods as a way to escape from the quilt of not doing what they wanted me to do.
After I returned from dinner. (a treat for the hard session) I started to hammer some nails in on the deck out back and one neighbor said don't do that I have a hang over... well that simple statement to me was hard to hear. and I became suicidal for a little bit.
The main thing now is to remember that I still have to talk with my family about all of this. I'm scared to talk about this issue with them.
Sorry no song today, just a huge answer for me. Now for the challenge of the rest of the night.
And then there's a knock on the door. I really don't want to answer, so I don't. I just want to be alone...
It's been a very hard day for me. Two days before I was suicidal, and then after listening to music, things improved. Today before the session, I prepared by just getting ready for the day. Once I got there, I was early for one thing, but I was able to stay calm. Started to talk, and what it all came down to was this.
Co-dependence. Over the years I have had to rely on family members. There I said it. I used suicide and self-harm methods as a way to escape from the quilt of not doing what they wanted me to do.
After I returned from dinner. (a treat for the hard session) I started to hammer some nails in on the deck out back and one neighbor said don't do that I have a hang over... well that simple statement to me was hard to hear. and I became suicidal for a little bit.
The main thing now is to remember that I still have to talk with my family about all of this. I'm scared to talk about this issue with them.
Sorry no song today, just a huge answer for me. Now for the challenge of the rest of the night.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Day off.
I decided that I would take a day off.... from driving, working, and overall everything. well so far it hasn't worked.... Landed me in some trouble.... level red.....So I started to cook dinner.... even if I don't want to. All I ant is to just simply disappear. I couldn't stand trying to go to church after the announcement of a suicide. All I want to do now is just disappear.... not even finishing dinner.. just let it burn.. only I know I can't do that, since I'm cooking for others as well. I'm in a trouble spot. I know it. Hopefully after dinner I'll use the coping skill of exercise to see if it will help. Or it will drive me closer to level red.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
WHY???
In the past 3 days I have heard about one actual suicide, and one almost attempt. Both have been on my mind, asking myself WHY? In recent weeks I have discovered that for me it all comes down to Agency. The actual suicide was a young man around my age, and the other was a young women who lost 150 pounds. He suffered from depression and finally gave in to his illness. She was on the verge of committing suicide when Chris showed up and changed her life for ever. Two different outcomes for one same problem.
After hearing about his suicide and not knowing him personally, I became very suicidal, but still had to continue to preform on the organ. Which I did but no one knew how much I was hurting, or how much I just wanted to be alone, and rethink things. For me, I've thought about suicide as a way out, but when asked why, I have a harder time answering that question.
I've hunted for an answer as to why? Asked that same question many times. I'm reminded of the whole control issues that have come up, and all I can think of is just wanting a way out of everything. Wanting control, but also not wanting responsibility, feeling like I'm nothing, and not wanting to press forward. I haven't really been talking to too many people lately, and........................................................................................................
WHY??? Why live, why feel anything, why not just give up, why try, why do anything. I have believed all of my life that we have "FREE" agency, and now I start to doubt that we really even have agency. I did what ever I wanted to on that trip, It was for ME!!!! and now 8 years later I am doubting everything!!!!!!!!!!! For one major reason, I have looked for a reason behind the suicidal thoughts and haven't found a reason, so I blamed my parents, and created a delusion. Control was taken from me when I attempted to go to college, when I was suspended for being on the wrong medication. Losing that control that I had because of what?????????
I'm Very VERY Frustrated right now because I'm slowly starting to see that NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!!!! I don't have much drive towards life anymore, I'm extremely depressed... without any reason to feeling this way, except brain chemistry.
WHY??? Now I am fearful, and not wanting to live. Seeking a way out and away from the future.
I was never the best at anything, always second chair for my section, always thinking that I can't run like others, never pushing myself to do better, to be better, and being told to just do your best, and that's good enough. Never BEING pushed to find a greater potential. Always believing that no matter what I would be loved, and cared for. Always every so often changing my room. Never pushed into doing things that I may not have done. Never knowing who I could be, always starting things and rarely finishing them. Always seeing the worst in different outcomes.
WHY??? Because I knew the truth, that I didn't want a life outside... but outside of what????
I don't know tonight, and I'm more frustrated than anything right now.
This life doesn't make sense. 8 years ago I started down this path of self-destruction, I stopped writing in a journal, stopped being religious, stopped practicing clarinet 6 days a week, and left a piece of me in Nauvoo. Then almost as if I knew something would happen, September 1 I lost my first job because of losing the lease on the spot that the business occupied. So what happened July 4, 2005, What happened July 6, 2005, What happened September 1, 2005, What happened June 6, 2006, What happened during those days. Now it's almost July 10, 2013, and all I want to do is find a way to make the suicide plan a reality, to escape from all of the pain, from LOSING my first job, first boy friend, first time of having clarity.
In the back ground I have The Fray on and it fits all to well.... I'm trying hard tonight to not lose my head, trying to figure out why I've held on for this long. It's been 8 years of struggle, and I have one degree to show for it, and 4 hospitalizations, and 4 different schools, and many medications later. I have tried to find may way out, and all boxing up all of my emotions and just trying to not be found..... And then the next song comes on, "Enough for now" And that's enough for tonight. I can't handle anything more than this right now.
After hearing about his suicide and not knowing him personally, I became very suicidal, but still had to continue to preform on the organ. Which I did but no one knew how much I was hurting, or how much I just wanted to be alone, and rethink things. For me, I've thought about suicide as a way out, but when asked why, I have a harder time answering that question.
I've hunted for an answer as to why? Asked that same question many times. I'm reminded of the whole control issues that have come up, and all I can think of is just wanting a way out of everything. Wanting control, but also not wanting responsibility, feeling like I'm nothing, and not wanting to press forward. I haven't really been talking to too many people lately, and........................................................................................................
WHY??? Why live, why feel anything, why not just give up, why try, why do anything. I have believed all of my life that we have "FREE" agency, and now I start to doubt that we really even have agency. I did what ever I wanted to on that trip, It was for ME!!!! and now 8 years later I am doubting everything!!!!!!!!!!! For one major reason, I have looked for a reason behind the suicidal thoughts and haven't found a reason, so I blamed my parents, and created a delusion. Control was taken from me when I attempted to go to college, when I was suspended for being on the wrong medication. Losing that control that I had because of what?????????
I'm Very VERY Frustrated right now because I'm slowly starting to see that NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!!!! I don't have much drive towards life anymore, I'm extremely depressed... without any reason to feeling this way, except brain chemistry.
WHY??? Now I am fearful, and not wanting to live. Seeking a way out and away from the future.
I was never the best at anything, always second chair for my section, always thinking that I can't run like others, never pushing myself to do better, to be better, and being told to just do your best, and that's good enough. Never BEING pushed to find a greater potential. Always believing that no matter what I would be loved, and cared for. Always every so often changing my room. Never pushed into doing things that I may not have done. Never knowing who I could be, always starting things and rarely finishing them. Always seeing the worst in different outcomes.
WHY??? Because I knew the truth, that I didn't want a life outside... but outside of what????
I don't know tonight, and I'm more frustrated than anything right now.
This life doesn't make sense. 8 years ago I started down this path of self-destruction, I stopped writing in a journal, stopped being religious, stopped practicing clarinet 6 days a week, and left a piece of me in Nauvoo. Then almost as if I knew something would happen, September 1 I lost my first job because of losing the lease on the spot that the business occupied. So what happened July 4, 2005, What happened July 6, 2005, What happened September 1, 2005, What happened June 6, 2006, What happened during those days. Now it's almost July 10, 2013, and all I want to do is find a way to make the suicide plan a reality, to escape from all of the pain, from LOSING my first job, first boy friend, first time of having clarity.
In the back ground I have The Fray on and it fits all to well.... I'm trying hard tonight to not lose my head, trying to figure out why I've held on for this long. It's been 8 years of struggle, and I have one degree to show for it, and 4 hospitalizations, and 4 different schools, and many medications later. I have tried to find may way out, and all boxing up all of my emotions and just trying to not be found..... And then the next song comes on, "Enough for now" And that's enough for tonight. I can't handle anything more than this right now.
Trying not to lose my head
But I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead
Lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done
Silhouette 'til the good lord come
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own
Boxing up everything, you've got
All you ever knew of home
You're scared, scared to see
Your mother there in the door
You wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference?
I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound
The violins make no sound
And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends Or have we just begun To kiss away the difference? I know you hate this one [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/where-the-story-ends-lyrics-fray.html ]
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends Or have we just begun To kiss away the difference? I know you hate this one [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/where-the-story-ends-lyrics-fray.html ]
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Pain
I thought I was doing okay, then this the last hour came. I wanted pain, a physical manifestation of what I was feeling in my head. So, I found pain.
Not the best thing but that's why it's called an addiction. I guess I wanted some form of punishment for spending a lot, but it was worth it. Now I just have to put it behind me, and try again tomorrow.... I'll eventually be pain free.... eventually.
Not the best thing but that's why it's called an addiction. I guess I wanted some form of punishment for spending a lot, but it was worth it. Now I just have to put it behind me, and try again tomorrow.... I'll eventually be pain free.... eventually.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Summer Assignment... AHHHHH
I just got an assignment for next semester... learning and transposing a piece that is in the Key of C, to Bb, and then Key of A to Bb. I'm freaking out a bit more. That means I really need to feel like practicing.
I have been playing the Organ, but one instrument is not enough for me. But with the depression and all the things that I have learned about in the past few days, this is starting to be too much. Okay so I have to start feeling like I want to play 3 hours of music everyday... I'm not there yet. I have new neighbors and I'm not sure how they will react to a clarinet being played for 2 hours during the day. Or my other option is to practice where the Organ is that I use.
It's a lot of music to go through, I should.... oh wait should, that's not a power statement... It's a painful statement. I feel scared, and concerned about how the neighbors will react. I just don't feel like me right now.
I just want to scream right now. with all the stuff that is going on. It's days like these that lead me to the dark-side.
I have been playing the Organ, but one instrument is not enough for me. But with the depression and all the things that I have learned about in the past few days, this is starting to be too much. Okay so I have to start feeling like I want to play 3 hours of music everyday... I'm not there yet. I have new neighbors and I'm not sure how they will react to a clarinet being played for 2 hours during the day. Or my other option is to practice where the Organ is that I use.
It's a lot of music to go through, I should.... oh wait should, that's not a power statement... It's a painful statement. I feel scared, and concerned about how the neighbors will react. I just don't feel like me right now.
I just want to scream right now. with all the stuff that is going on. It's days like these that lead me to the dark-side.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Almost 11pm
Wind delay!!!!!!!
So far so good, but still having issues. Had to stop working on the puzzle because my back was hurting.
So far so good, but still having issues. Had to stop working on the puzzle because my back was hurting.
Fourth of July
Oh joy, fireworks. This is one day I wish I was far far away from the fireworks that tend to go off on this day. I wish I could take something to put me out for the next few hours, It would be better than having to deal with the memories of 8 years past. AHHHHH can I hide yet.
I was trying to decrease the issues with this day, so I cleaned the oven. Now it's clean, and I"m on a roll with my 1000 piece puzzle... I"m doing all I can to stay sane.
I was trying to decrease the issues with this day, so I cleaned the oven. Now it's clean, and I"m on a roll with my 1000 piece puzzle... I"m doing all I can to stay sane.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
That went well.... NOT!!! So much for a happy ending today
I thought about what I had discussed in Therapy this week, and realized that I have to do the harder part... Live with what I have discovered, and not try and change my family. Life get's harder when you have to keep things from those you love. I'm sure that my sister would attack me and blame everything that I say on me, and either my parents take both sides or just one. Either way, what I have found out I keep it to myself and try to change me instead of talking.
Normally I wouldn't recommend this for anyone, but it seems like I have no choice. What's worse is with this the suicidal thoughts are high... Another song comes to mind, by Avril Lavigne called My Happy Ending.
Normally I wouldn't recommend this for anyone, but it seems like I have no choice. What's worse is with this the suicidal thoughts are high... Another song comes to mind, by Avril Lavigne called My Happy Ending.
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the stuff that you do [radio edited version]
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus]
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
[Chorus x2]
[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the stuff that you do [radio edited version]
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus]
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
[Chorus x2]
[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
I have to hide quite a bit from those around me, especially my family. It shouldn't be this way. But I can't do anything about that. I know for sure at this time, I can't bring anything of how I feel to the one person I live with, worst part is, that one person is my sister. I keep having to put up a thick wall, and eventually it's going to crash down on me. Worst of all the Fourth Of July is my 8 year anniversary for having suicidal thoughts. And it had happened after a vacation where I lost a part of me that I have not yet gotten back.
After the hard day of today, tomorrow is going to be worst.... I'm already in a fragile position. And I'll be around people, but I won't have any one to really rely on or even talk too. I really hate my life right now.
A Thousand Years and No Surprise
I heard this song by Christina Perri and it describes how I feel so well, except it's not love. What stuck out was "Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this" I am one step closer today to finding out the reasons behind the suicidal thoughts, but also a step closer to wanting to commit suicide. Those of you out there that have been in this position know, to a certain point, how I feel. I the lyrics, it states to not be afraid. Well I am afraid, afraid of the return towards suicide. In the past, I have thought of suicide and not known why, and today I know part of the reason, and it comes down to Control. I feel helpless, and hopeless about the future and that's where my mind goes. It makes sense. Because of how I grew up... but with that knowledge I also wonder if there's another psychological piece that helps everything to fit for everyone in my support team to understand.
Regarding the control issue. I always felt helpless and jealous of others' abilities, and wanted a way out of the Resource room. Felt helpless and hopeless that things wouldn't change. I've carried that core belief for years. And now I am in a bind tonight. After feeling all of that today, I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want away out of all of the pain and constant chatter. The constant chatter of you're not thin enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not..... just not important. Seeing that on screen hurts. I just want to erase that... in some hope that it's not true. I have doubts about all of this, I always have. And again I'm not sure how brave I can be, or if this one step is closer to what I want.
What do I want????? Right now I just want the crickets to just stop making noise. I want to lose 20 pounds. I want to not have to deal with control issues and feeling powerless. I want someone to talk to, to just release everything, and not just little bits at a time. I want family that doesn't drag me down. I want to not have to be so concerned about everyone else, and to just have the freedom to be me, and to know who that really is anymore. I want to feel like there is meaning and purpose to life. I want to not have to fight against myself to find things to do and enjoy my musical talent. I want complete freedom!!!!!
"Look what you have done to me" (You don't belong by Daughtry) Why is that so hard to understand, but I have learned that confrontation should be avoided like it's the plague. Like anger can not be expressed because it's not something that should be seen. Like every negative emotion must be kept to oneself. That trust can never happen, because if you trust then something bad is going to happen.
And then the next Daughtry song comes on. No Surprise. " I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise" I just want today to be over, but there really was no surprise.
A Thousand Years
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
(Verse 2) Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
One step closer One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
Regarding the control issue. I always felt helpless and jealous of others' abilities, and wanted a way out of the Resource room. Felt helpless and hopeless that things wouldn't change. I've carried that core belief for years. And now I am in a bind tonight. After feeling all of that today, I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want away out of all of the pain and constant chatter. The constant chatter of you're not thin enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not..... just not important. Seeing that on screen hurts. I just want to erase that... in some hope that it's not true. I have doubts about all of this, I always have. And again I'm not sure how brave I can be, or if this one step is closer to what I want.
What do I want????? Right now I just want the crickets to just stop making noise. I want to lose 20 pounds. I want to not have to deal with control issues and feeling powerless. I want someone to talk to, to just release everything, and not just little bits at a time. I want family that doesn't drag me down. I want to not have to be so concerned about everyone else, and to just have the freedom to be me, and to know who that really is anymore. I want to feel like there is meaning and purpose to life. I want to not have to fight against myself to find things to do and enjoy my musical talent. I want complete freedom!!!!!
"Look what you have done to me" (You don't belong by Daughtry) Why is that so hard to understand, but I have learned that confrontation should be avoided like it's the plague. Like anger can not be expressed because it's not something that should be seen. Like every negative emotion must be kept to oneself. That trust can never happen, because if you trust then something bad is going to happen.
And then the next Daughtry song comes on. No Surprise. " I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise" I just want today to be over, but there really was no surprise.
A Thousand Years
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
(Verse 2) Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
One step closer One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
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