A Thousand Years and No Surprise

 I heard this song by Christina Perri and it describes how I feel so well, except it's not love. What stuck out was "Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this"  I am one step closer today to finding out the reasons behind the suicidal thoughts, but also a step closer to wanting to commit suicide. Those of you out there that have been in this position know, to a certain point, how I feel. I the lyrics, it states to not be afraid. Well I am afraid, afraid of the return towards suicide. In the past, I have thought of suicide and not known why, and today I know part of the reason, and it comes down to Control.  I feel helpless, and hopeless about the future and that's where my mind goes. It makes sense. Because of how I grew up... but with that knowledge I also wonder if there's another psychological piece that helps everything to fit for everyone in my support team to understand. 

Regarding the control issue. I always felt helpless and jealous of others' abilities, and wanted a way out of the Resource room. Felt helpless and hopeless that things wouldn't change. I've carried that core belief for years. And now I am in a bind tonight. After feeling all of that today, I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want away out of all of the pain and constant chatter. The constant chatter of you're not thin enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not..... just not important. Seeing that on screen hurts. I just want to erase that... in some hope that it's not true. I have doubts about all of this, I always have. And again I'm not sure how brave I can be, or if this one step is closer to what I want. 

What do I want????? Right now I just want the crickets to just stop making noise. I want to lose 20 pounds. I want to not have to deal with control issues and feeling powerless. I want someone to talk to, to just release everything, and not just little bits at a time. I want family that doesn't drag me down. I want to not have to be so concerned about everyone else, and to just have the freedom to be me, and to know who that really is anymore. I want to feel like there is meaning and purpose to life. I want to not have to fight against myself to find things to do and enjoy my musical talent. I want complete freedom!!!!!

"Look what you have done to me" (You don't belong by Daughtry) Why is that so hard to understand, but I have learned that confrontation should be avoided like it's the plague. Like anger can not be expressed because it's not something that should be seen. Like every negative emotion must be kept to oneself. That trust can never happen, because if you trust then something bad is going to happen. 

And then the next Daughtry song comes on. No Surprise.  " I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say  Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise" I just want today to be over, but there really was no surprise.

 A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid To fall But watching you stand alone All of my doubt Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
(Verse 2) Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday  Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
One step closer One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-thousand-years-lyrics-christina-perri.html ]

 

No Surprise

I've practiced this for hours, gone 'round and 'round And now I think that I've got it all down And as I say it louder I love how it sounds 'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise, I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
It came out like a river once I let it out When I thought that I wouldn't know how Held onto it forever just pushing it down Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say  Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes That's why this comes as no, as no surprise
If I could see the future and how this plays out I bet it's better than where we are now But after going through this It's easier to see the reason why
It's no surprise, I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/no-surprise-lyrics-daughtry.html]