Exams

I noticed today that I like to relax after a test and it puts me behind for the next. I need to use meditation to relax instead of wasting time. Especially to do well on the next exam.

Distraction Please. Suicide mentioned. Read with discretion

So much to do... risk level has increased... very triggering class... and now music to distract me so I can prepare for exams... I have one on Monday.. one Wednesday.. then one the following week. I need to study... but I should call T but don't want to deal with it. .... but may be I should... Anxiety is high... risks are increasing...

I am calming down now.. music helps. still afraid of not knowing what would happen if I did call crisis line for T. I could talk to him directly but, I just don't want to deal with it. I have so much going on, lots to do.... an interview on Monday for a job... Lots of good stuff.. and then momentary trigger, but it's a good thing right? Okay, I'm ready to study now... Breathing helps.... I knew before that this class could be difficult.. but that's what I get for studying psychology. I'm okay now. level back at 1.

It still bugs me that  I am still a hypocrite about calling a crisis line... I have in the past, or at least it was calling docs offices, or calling hospital but never a crisis line... Even if I know I can talk to my T relatively quickly... Yet if I just post here, it gives me that release of thought to continue on. Yet at the same time how can I recommend someone to call a crisis line if I can't call myself... It's not about pride... It's just I don't want to talk...

Rather,  I don't want to feel uncomfortable, talking about suicide is very uncomfortable... but I don't want to continue to be a hypocrite...

Never Being Good Enough

Never Being Good Enough!!!!

That's the wall that I want to break. Currently I am overweight. I haven't wanted to workout. This is important because I have not felt that I'm important.

Why I wanted Suicide so bad
~~ Fear of the future
~~ Fear of not being enough
~~ Fear of being imperfect
~~ Fear of leaving home
~~Fear of LIVING!!!!

Why I bring up the weight.... because I am afraid of the same thing as I want with why I wanted Suicide.

A little look with my study skills... I am still afraid that I'll fail, that I'm not good enough, that life is not worth living...

Now I know, what I am afraid of, and what I need to change, mentally.

Guilt, escape, Shame

I said one, what I meant was two. It's a simple concept but then the guilt sets in. I want to just lie to myself, but then I lied in a group. I'm ashamed that it happened. During the check in I didn't look at my therapist but I did look at the wall. At the time I didn't think that I had lied, but guilt set in a little bit later. I wasn't sure what I was feeling until now. 18 hours later. But it's also not fair that my therapist said something that I haven't forgotten. I am the strongest person in the group, and they look up to me. We were talking about what would happen to them if I had committed suicide. It' wasn't right that he put that on me, which also says you can't show weakness.

I hate weakness, asking for help is weakness. Calling a crisis line is weakness. Admitting guilt is weakness. All of these things are weaknesses for me, some are irrational, others are normal.

Then the question is "how strong am I?" I'm attempting to deal with suicides through a research project, I have 5-10 sources to read on how media influences suicide clusters. It's an interesting topic, but I have to ask myself if I am in a crisis, would I call the crisis line? It's hypocritical for me to tell others to call, when I can't call myself. I can't call because, I don't want to interrupt what they are doing, I don't want to show weakness, I don't want to admit that I'm in trouble, I can't stand the fact that I don't know what would happen, and don't want to find out. Yet, I can't get that conversation out of my head. It's getting annoying.  I have a lot to do, and don't need a distraction. I need to read quite a bit, and do a few more things. Yet I can't get this all out of my head. And I want to just not admit that my head is in a different place compared to the rest of me.

This is all too much... kind of

I've been thinking... a bit too much but, then again thinking could be just to much. I have a paper and I can choose the and I'm close to doing it on the effects of media on suicide clusters. I'm very interested but it could make things hard. I could choose something different but I don't want to. It's kind of a test to see if I can handle the topic, but on top of that I am also studying stress, coping skills, and other topics. I'm also skeptical about it... hey adding in yet another class. (I've mentioned all 3 in the last few sentences)

It's been an interesting day, and this week I haven't been doing well. I thought I was... then I got reminded of one symptom of depression... hypersomnia. And I noticed that I was wanting to sleep too much and not wanting to do much, and that got me thinking, in a more depressed manor. I hate these realizations. And then I see the time and realize I can escape from this reality, through sleep. Like I said, this is all too much.

2 years of Behavioral Chaining

Over the past 2 years, my T has been trying to change a thought pattern, without me knowing it was happening. Well now I know. In the last few months it was "Uncomfortable emotion/thought --> Suicidal thinking --> Self injury" He's been working on fixing that second part. In the last 4 weeks I have been trying to decrease self-injury thoughts and actions. Meaning the suicidal thoughts returned. And now it makes sense. To fix that second part, he has been reacting positively to suicide. It sounds back words but it's suppose to help. There's trust there.

I told him that I slipped and that's how the above come out. It's weird now, knowing that its been like this. I thought it was strange but it left a smile on my face when ever I left the office. Now it seems different. Yesterday he brought up the MASH theme song. And played it several times. Which by the end I was a bit annoyed. I didn't want to hear it and be triggered. Then today, I went looking for it. and it's distracted me a bit.

Then again looking on youtube is not a good study skill. Guess I better get back to Competency to testify.