The time has come that I need to choose. Do I choose to live, or do I choose destruction? Do I choose family or do I choose a life that I hate?
What does living mean to me??
Simply put living means having friends, doing what's right... how do I know what's right anymore....I'm being controlled by Satan.... the Devil!! I have no choose now, but I do have one last choice. I can choose to live. But does it really mean having friends, or does it mean more of having a life that I am excited everyday.
There has been so much happening this past 2 weeks, I've been in withdrawal mode, from a sex addiction. That's right, it's been 2 weeks!!!!! I should celebrate... but I don't feel like celebrating. I have so much on my plate that it's hard to even think straight.
I have 2 weeks of my class to catch up on and only 48 hours to do it in... along with not trying to.......... do anything stupid. I just heard from my sister that she is worried that she will be the one that would find me if I decide to die. I've thought about it openly... and now..... I don't know what I want..... everyone keeps asking what I want, and I just want to say, SCREW EVERYTHING!!!!
Have I given up?? Maybe... but I'm the only one that can change this. and I'm not so sure that I want to change. Yet I'm being forced to change..... Or am I... just forcing myself.
I have several addictions that are taking over my life.... An addiction to checking out a lot of books and then not reading them.... An addiction to masturbation... and an addiction to having multiple partners. I hate myself!!!!!
How can I even choose to love myself??
People tell me that it is a choice... I have to choose. One my room is an absolute MESS!!! and it symbolizes how I feel about my life...
I've lost interest in a bunch of things... What I need is a long term treatment center for those that don't know who they are....
Yet I do know this, I'm a daughter of my Father in Heaven. And He Loves ME... No matter what I have done, he will accept me back, if I ask for forgiveness.
So I write a letter to myself... then rephrase everything into something positive.
Dear Self,
I hate your guts. I hate everything that you do. You give up on everything, when the going gets tough. And yet, you want to die, because you have given up on what really matters. Do you want this life of misery??
Self
Now for the rephrase......
Dear Self,
I love you. I love everything you start, especially when they don't get done. You start many projects and finish the ones that you believe in. And yet you want to LIVE, because you feel that life is worth living and dreaming of something better. Do you want a life of happiness???
Self
There... two letters.... I like the rephrase better. I think I need to do self-compassion letters until things start to sink in that I need to love myself.... This will be hard, but I will read them to many people and get feedback on how to become more self-compassionate, and rethink how I feel. I will first right a letter of anger to get things out, then rephrase that letter and learn how to become more compassionate to myself.
Over the past 6 months I have been with a dozen or so guys, and 1 woman. I don't remember them, and I don't want to. I want to forget and forgive. Today, I let it out....I'm a female sex addict, seeking recovery!!!! I have a sponsor, I have therapists, I have family, I have friends, do I really need a treatment center?? Is it what I want?? Or is it something that I feel like I need to be put away from, as a punishment. What if I just work really hard, and cut down the amount I sleep to get everything done. I have a freaking lot to do.... but what's really important to me??
Right now, I am freaking out, and I need a break!!!! I need to work on me... but I have no time for that. so I stay up late writing this and trying to keep my head on straight... but I'm so tired. Tired of all this crap!! So am I wanting to change to get away from the crap?? What type of life do I want for me??
So many questions, and so few answers...My main purpose for school was to get a loan to cover my addiction costs....I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care.... now I'm paying for that choose by putting in work into something that I'm not sure if I even want to do??
What's important to me???
Family is important but I pushed them far away.
No wonder why I'm depressed, I shoved the most important thing in my life for family!!
I pushed the relationship with my Father away when I went on vacation. Because I felt like I couldn't do what I wanted, that it is always about everyone else, and not about me.....
I'm petrified of doing what I feel is right... I would rather die. yet at the same time, I hate how I'm living, I hate how I feel. I hate me!!! I hate how much pain I have caused others... I hate how much pain I have been in. Will the pain ever disappear??
I was challenged today... and what I got out of it is this.... After all this week's conversations...
DO or do NOT there is no Try!!
Be the real you, unafraid of what people will think
Its your life... It's your CHOICE!!!
Choose for yourself... NO ONE will choose for you.
Those 4 things mean a lot to me. so now what is my choice??
So tonight I choose!!! I choose to have the spirit with me at all times... in all places... in all situations, as long as I'm worthy... so I need to change... I have faith in myself and in God that I can do this. I may need to change things but I can't be afraid to try!!! No to DO!!!
I'm sorry if I have hurt you, I may not know the depth of your pain, but I do know who much it affects me, and you. We are a team!! There is no I in team.
I don't know who I have hurt, and I hope they will come forward, because I can't read your mind. I have broken a law of God!! I feel that I need to be punished... but I've suffered enough. It's time to let grace work for me!! and Let Justice be taken care of by a loving God.
My priorities have been messed UP!!! I have chosen SEX over having what I really want.... I've given up relationships because I don't like who I am... now it is time to start liking myself, and changing myself for the better....
After all this I need to be more self-compassionate...
But most of all I need to come clean about all the behavior that has gone on... even if I choose not to remember each time... It was my choose to hide from the pain in sex.
I was hurt from a young age, and started to stick toys inside my vagina, I didn't know what it was called, but I did it anyway, this continued for a while, I was discovering my body, until I was told that wasn't appropriate, but it's how I soothed myself with the move away from family.. I had been hurt, I didn't want to leave my friends, I had a bad attitude. I let it affect me... then I discovered that I could see what others private parts looked like, I was curious, but then I was yelled at, for something that was so innocent. I started to hide that behavior, and then my toy got taken away after my mom thought I didn't need the toys. I always resented her for that. Then I found a friend that would play truth or dare and discovered that Ice inside felt nice, and playing with her was fun. I never thought it would affect me years later.... She was my best friend, we didn't touch each other but we did let each other view what we stuck inside us... mainly ice. Then one day, something happened, and I was forced to say good bye to this friend... oh yea she moved away.... I felt sad, then I found another group of friends, and that seemed to help, but then one day my family left on vacation and I lost my friends, and I resented my parents for taking me away, even if it was short.. back then the internet wasn't a big deal. and there were no cell phones... Yes I know I'm old?! That trip I felt things that I never thought I would feel, I didn't want to leave the connection and the visual representation of the martyrdom of a prophet. I remember that day, then we had to leave, and I left something that day, I left myself there, and watched her die!!
I came back and wanted to feel that love that joy, that peace, and couldn't find it, the scriptures meant nothing...I couldn't think straight, and I thought of death while helping a customer.... I then told my friend and he wanted to stay longer to talk but he left me... that day I did something that he never forgot... I didn't call him to tell him I was safe. That day I lost my best friend... ever since then I have lost relationships... never seeing the good. I see a loss as a regret of why couldn't I have done that better, instead of it was their time to move on to another to help them. I would always have their memories in my head, but new associations would come next but I hung onto those people and didn't want to let them go... until I let God go from my life... Then I think, what's my problem?!
My problem is this... I don't want to let people go, I want them to stay with me, but that's not the case. They are needed to help others, and so am I, I must now let go of the past, and cling to the present.
This addiction well... after everything that I have typed it's clear to me that it was a wake up call... It was the way to see that I matter to my Father!! Like every child matters to their father. I need to start waking up earlier, full of energy, and get going.... I have so much on my plate.. I have a paper to write and assignments to catch up on. I know that there is work in the days ahead, and I know that I need to see and feel what life is really about.. I need to stay in class, and accept the challenges of not only cleaning up my room, but my life. I need to push to stay on an outpatient bases. Because I believe in ME!! I don't do this alone... I have many to help me. so here's my plan...
The next 48 hours will be spent like this....
Sleep until 6am (and it's 12:30am now)
Then get up and start typing on my paper, reading and remembering everything that I have learned.
Work on that for 2 hours
Then get up and get ready for my day, and go clean the church... then go to a meeting..
Afterwords I will come back and work on laundry and work on not watching netflix.. Yes the TV will be off as to think through what I need to get done
oh ya and I'll have lunch...
Then it will be a small 20 minute break of cleaning and back to studying. I will finish this paper and DO my best!!
Then I'll submit it and "turnitin"
Afterwords I will celebrate!!!!
Now my paper doesn't need to be complete, I can always reread it when I have a clearer head... which means submitting it on the next day if necessary. I've never done class work on Sunday until now!!
Is this plan challenging.. YES!!! but it is doable... and I can get through the paper, even if it's not in as much detail as I prefer, it's something for 20% of my grade.... This will tell me if I need to drop the class or keep going.... so I need to do my best and get it done on time. so now, it's sleep time... okay so I'll color for a bit first to calm down.. or should I just meditate... ya, I'll do that.. Oh and I'll study the scriptures... I'll study the Book of Mormon.
