100th post

I wish that this was a happy post, but it's not. I have a half hour before talking with Ric (Therapist). Honestly, I don't want to go, but I will. I just don't know what else to do. Depression is interupting my life, and I'm not sure what I can do with limited resources.

It is in my opinion that in the United States there needs to be a higher number of Psychiatrists. There's not enough in small town areas, and more people need to become Psychiatrists.

Right now, I just want to figure out what medication could help, or find some thing else that could help. I'm tired of waiting to feel better.

Day Light Savings

Those of you who have the SPRING forward time change, all know what I"m talking about.

I got to thinking, maybe I need a scheduled time to get up in the morning. I hesitate to write this out, but I guess I need to become responsible. I promise to get up at 6am. And be to class at 9am, regardless of what I have going on that day. If I don't or get to bed later then, I'll still get up once I wake up.

And yet my head feels like someone has sat on it, which makes it harder to deal with.

I promise to start reading my textbooks, and talking with my treatment team about treatment options.

FOCUS!!!!

It just seems my head just doesn't want me to focus... and I have a paper to finish writing. So maybe just writing out a little bit more of what I'm thinking will help.

I'm trying not to take my life.... but when thoughts go toward that, it makes things harder. I'm worried that I'll just take my life. Too many worries, and not enough time to think through them all.

Please just get me out of my own head.

Promise kept, more Promises made

I said I would be around to blog again, well that promise has been kept.

I've been trying to hide all of the suicidal thoughts from myself, but it's a hard task to accomplish. I've been saying I'm okay, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm not sure what all to do.

I did go to a dual diagnosis group and saw my therapist, and for the check in I said with my eyes looking down that emotionally it has been a roller coaster. Smiling and laughing to suicidal depression. But mainly the negative side.

************Please note that if you are not stable do NOT keep reading.******************

I did sleep for 12 hours which was great and all, but at a cost. Not getting things done. Now what's even worse is I want to start injuring and then take meds to end it all.I can't keep on going like this, I'm not strong enough to do so. I just want to hurt so badly that I'll get out of my head, and away from my brain chemistry and one step closer to having a depression free life.

I am physically safe, but emotionally I am in a world of trouble. What will it take to get be away from my own head. I know I can call people but right now, I'm not in the mood to talk about the thoughts, I just want to escape.

I am physically safe. I know who I can call. I know that they would be ready and willing to help but I just need my space right now.

That being said, I promise to work on my puzzle that I started last night, ONLY if I need a break, or I get my to do list done.

TO DO:
Practice Clarinet
Write and print paper for class
Read and respond to article for Personality class.

If needed then I will also work out as well. If I need a break.

An unexpected car

After I got done with some errands, I went to park, and there happened to be a car in my spot. They had parked right in front of my garage. Granted there is signs all over the place that if a car is parked, it could be towed if it's not authorized to park in that spot. It's that simple, don't park there unless you are the lease holder... and then to add to my anger, I had to ask (in a ticked off way) for them to move the van, and instead of saying, well I'll go let the driver know, they say, I'm not the driver. Which ticks me off even more. I've had issues with the lease-holder and that whole group of boys, that anything they do ticks me off, and angers me a lot. For good reason.

Those of you who have had the thoughts of suicide, know how hard it gets when everything just irritates you, and there's nothing you can do about anything, and then add in the suicidal thoughts, and it just makes for a crappy week.

Besides all that neighbor drama. I've been trying to ignore all of the thoughts of suicide. I can be honest here, I have thought of few methods, and a few times of day where it would actually work. Then I think of the physical pain, and that pain is what stops me. I don't want to feel that much pain. I just want to escape all of the thoughts. Then, I realize I'm not quite over the thoughts, and I'm not sure what else to do, or that I can do. I was trying to ignore the thoughts, and it's not working.

I keep living, and now I'm not sure why. I am smart, but I just don't understand where these specific thoughts are coming from. Tonight, I'll try something different, I'll try to exercise, and if that doesn't work, I'll try to put a puzzle together.

I will sleep tonight, sometime, even if it's only for an hour. But I do have to deal with these thoughts, before I act on them.

I promise to blog again tomorrow, and to be around to do so.

Crazy day

I've had a little trouble with sleep... going to bed at say midnight, then getting up at like 10am. So I'm still up. But that's not the point.

The day started of with trying to get things accomplished, but of course the neighbors loud music came on, and I ended up going to my appointment a half hour early. So I sat in the parking lot working on a paper. Feeling a little suicidal. Then got to my appointment with my therapist and the conversation came to why I was feeling suicidal. What I didn't expect was all of the feelings towards my parents and sister being to controlling. The time soon came to leave, but the suicidal thoughts continued. I got up left, and then started to drive to campus to make it to a performance, but what I wasn't expecting was the overwhelming feelings of suicide. I drove by a trafic accident and wished it was me. When I got to campus I spent time with a friend, trying to distract myself. But in the end missed the performance/studio (a class) since I knew I couldn't think about anything else.

I was right about that. The suicidal thoughts continued, and I slowly started to explain what was going on in my head to a friend. I had to spend the day, trying to get away from all of the thoughts. I'm still not far enough away for my liking.

I'm sure many people would say to go into the mental hospital, but I just can't go back there. For 1 all of my support is on the outside. Support groups and people.

But I do have a lot to deal with tonight. I'm sitting here trying to just get my mind to turn off for even just a minute, but thoughts are racing around and not stopping. I will say this, I'm Scarred to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. It's just too hard to keep up a semi happy face. And that is one thing that I am truly tired of doing.

Practice time

I so don't want to practice right now, my mind is going in 500 different directions and it's hard to keep focus. Even typing is a challenge. I'm really starting to hate this....

Sleep

I did get up earlier than normal today, but fell asleep on the couch. I really don't want to be out and a bout, I would rather isolate. A friend stopped and walked with me to where I was going, but as soon as I could I pushed her away. I just can't seem to deal with people. I just want to be alone. I don't want to see any concern in their eyes. I just want out of this terrible situation.

No one around me really is seeing how bad, or at least they fail to talk about it around me.