Controling People in MY Life

After being around my family for a week, I know see how controlling that  some of them are. The most annoying is my sister. She makes her opinion known, and doesn't let me think. I came over there to talk with my father but, that never happened due to the fact that I forgot about all of the issues. But looking back my sister took after my mother, and I took after my father. My mother is aggressive in her opinions but is starting to realize some of the things that she does. My father is passive-aggressive, he can be aggressive when he needs to be. Both are very religious.

I want to believe that nothing is wrong, but even there the TV was on for most of the day, I spent time away from everyone to get away from all of they happy-feelly movies that just got on my nerves. But I was passive about how I lived there. There is more to life out there besides the episodes and movies that are on constantly. I just have to find a way to be away from the TV.

On the bright side my room has a bit left clutter and it's looking more open... except for the last few piles of papers to go through and find a good system to get around the clutter. Which takes work.

Everything in life requires WORK. and that's the fact that as a teenager that I just didn't want to hear, and wanted to run from. Now today, I wish that I can get pass that and on to seeing that my dreams are within reach, with work and patience.

With this new semester I hope to get away from my sister, and actually study and improve upon things that matter the most to me. Besides Life is work, which requires effort.

Active lifestyle

I've believed that I was good enough without putting in the effort. Today I begin to change that thought process. There is so much more I can do but I have to decrease some activities and increase others. Also choose what is most important and useful for me, and what I want to do in life. This all seems like a big task.

First item.... sleep and get up on time.

Not a good day

I had to perform on piano... that was harder with my mind going crazy. Between the finals and my mind state and not only that but I was in a group a few days ago, we were asked to write a letter to our addiction(s). I started to list things out.... then we were asked to read the letters. I couldn't read it. Writing the letter was hard enough. The fact that I couldn't has bugged me.
I had a dream that someone found my letter and read it. I've felt anxious and just wanting to run and hide. But instead I had to play piano. Honestly, I still want to run.... or talk with someone trustworthy that I can really talk to and get advice. This time of year is a little hard. Due to being hospitalized for the first time 5 years ago, in 6 days from now.

New Resource

I was looking on PsychCentral and came across this website

http://www.crisischat.org/

I wanted to put it here since I have a hard time wanting to talk on the phone to my T.

At least tonight, I've been around kids and that has helped me to want to live.... but the snow and  ICE doesn't help me. I strongly dislike Ice and winter driving and I get to do more winter driving unless the roads are bad.... I still can't believe that it snowed in St. George, Utah, USA.... and they have NO snow removal program. I sure hope people are safe.

Why?

Why do I have to have a mind full of death, darkness, sickness, and fear?

I'm not even sure if it will end, or what to do. I haven't told to many. I'm just not sure how much longer I can hold on.

Bad night

I was asked about the why behind the suicidal thoughts. ... I had no idea what triggered them. Could have been a perfect opportunity, or something else.  I didn't reach out, partly due to hearing "what can we do to help? " and then the concern in there eyes. I hate asking for help. Tonight when I found myself typing advance directives... well that freaked me out. Mentally I'm not safe. Physical I am safe. No matter were I go.... I can't run away...  the thoughts are always with me.   Maybe I better draw tonight.

Hot Chocolate on a Bitter Cold Day

Today hasn't been easy. I've had high levels of anxiety, suicidal thoughts and lack of will to do anything else. That being said here's what I accomplished:
Turned in one paper for Principles of Learning
40 minutes of practice time on clarinet
20 minutes of practice time on piano
All caught up for Class Piano
Started a project
Had Dinner, lunch, and breakfast (mostly healthy)
Picked up meds

That's a good list for all of the suicidal thoughts and brain and eyes going crazy. I had to take a tablet of Ativan. Oh and it's in the single digits outside.... WAY too COLD for me. I'm trying to stop myself right now from doing the things that my head is telling me to do. This is not an easy night.... a very difficult night. So instead,  I will work on another paper that's due soon. And then fall asleep. And get up on time, to make it to my PT appointment. But the hot chocolate was WAY good.

Blank Screen

I've been staring at this screen for a few hours.... partly because of the day I've had. I just feel hopeless, I should be reading a book, but agg.

Run and hide

The smile on my face is totally fake. I've had the worst morning imaginable. Between not wanting to get out of bed, to having suicidal thoughts. Not to mention all the people that I'm around, and the flashbacks from about 5 years ago.

I want to hide, disappear from all, especially when I have to pretend that all is well. Pretending takes a lot out of me, which doesn't help. Overall I feel tired of always fighting against the darkness that seems to come at me in all times.

How much longer can I take all of this? I came close to following the thoughts and just giving up. Why do I have to keep fighting all of this? Does this ever end... the fighting against chemistry and biology?

I wish I had someone to talk to.... someone that would listen without chastising me or pushing me to go to the hospital once again. ... why is December so hard and full of memories. Why do I feel like I have to always hide.... or to always feel the need to get help. No one knows the thoughts I have had. Nor does anyone know how bad this is getting. ... I just want to run and hide from the world, since hiding from my thoughts is harder and almost impossible right now.