The smile on my face is totally fake. I've had the worst morning imaginable. Between not wanting to get out of bed, to having suicidal thoughts. Not to mention all the people that I'm around, and the flashbacks from about 5 years ago.
I want to hide, disappear from all, especially when I have to pretend that all is well. Pretending takes a lot out of me, which doesn't help. Overall I feel tired of always fighting against the darkness that seems to come at me in all times.
How much longer can I take all of this? I came close to following the thoughts and just giving up. Why do I have to keep fighting all of this? Does this ever end... the fighting against chemistry and biology?
I wish I had someone to talk to.... someone that would listen without chastising me or pushing me to go to the hospital once again. ... why is December so hard and full of memories. Why do I feel like I have to always hide.... or to always feel the need to get help. No one knows the thoughts I have had. Nor does anyone know how bad this is getting. ... I just want to run and hide from the world, since hiding from my thoughts is harder and almost impossible right now.
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