After a rough weekend

This week I have Two tests, and both of them will be hard. I should be studying but, its hard to just start studying when my mind is not completely with me. Let me explain what I mean. If you are easily triggered, don't read on. **** Trigger to come ****

This past weekend was one that was very hard. I was trying to study, when the suicidal thoughts came in. It wasn't like it has been in the past, I actually started to plan, and find what could work. I'm not going in to to many details, due to others that could read this. I have thought of the plan multiple times. I know that my safety is an issue right now. I'm doing my best but, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

And then the weekend turns into a week. It's Monday, I should have been working this morning, but had to call to cancel... again.... I hate having to call in, due to the medication that caused dizziness. I have a lot to do, but no real drive to get things done. The other part of this is that suicide is not far from my mind. I still think of death, I still think of pain. It distracts me. I should be studying but, with what's on my mind, it's hard to try and study about abnormal psychology. Especially since I'm so abnormal from the rest. This all adds to the anxiety level, which is high anyway when I am not on the Wellbutrin. It sucks to have high levels of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I see my doc tomorrow, and I see my new therapist tomorrow. It should be interesting. I just hope that the time works out well...... and to have a parking spot. But I do have something to look forward to, and that helps. I will get another notebook for my notes, and I hope I can get some studying done, and remember what I learn.... I hope.

Explosion~~******

Sooner or later things catch up to you. As they have me. I'm contemplating droping out of this semester and just trying to get the meds in a better place where the side effects don't affect me like this. When my head hurts and pain relievers wont work, that's when I turn to other things, that's when it get's dicy. Well I've been at this point before, and nothing has happened, I can't keep coming back to this point, I want to leave it here, but it keeps coming back. What do I do? What can I do to think straight. I hate my life right now, it feels like gravity is working against me....

And then there was one....

I went to Concert Band, and found out that there is only one person in my section, and that's me. Oh and I haven't really studied much today.... I have no Idea what I'm doing in Chemistry, and I have a quiz tomorrow... I'm in trouble..... Venting is over.

After a Week....

For the first week of classes I was in the mental hospital (mh), and now I get to try and understand the homework... Key word TRY....

One good thing came out of the mh is the possibility of having a councilor/therapist that can do the combination of CBT and DBT. It should be a good thing. I just have to try and make it through the next few hours with my head. The side effects are a hyperactive mind, dizziness and dilated pupils.

With all of this, it makes focusing on my classes, a very difficult task. I'm trying but I just don't understand. I hope I can figure out how to stay focused.... I'm just waiting for when it happens.

I'm back....

After 5.5 days, I'm home from the behavioral unit. I was suicidal for 4 weeks, and finally after a panic attack, I went in. I don't remember what happened the first few days, or where I was but now I'm back now. The time spent at the hospital was a good thing, it's good to be home, but I'm scared to be left alone. Tomorrow I'll be left alone, and I'm planning on driving tomorrow, with my mind that likes to go at speeds way to fast. I can numb it down with Alieve but that's not good for every day but tonight may be just a good idea so I can actually think a bit... I hope. I'll be posting more later but for right now I've got myself to take care of.

Ignoring....

***** I have to flag this post due to the nature, if you are not in a sound mind position then do NOT read this. If you are in a position where you can read, then go ahead, but if you are in a position like I have been these last 4 weeks, then I recommend not reading this.******


I know right now, things aren't going well, but Ignoring them is how I have gotten through the last 4 weeks. I've ignored all of the thoughts, all of the actions that could have happened....

Ignoring the problem, just doesn't make it go away. I know that, I need to handle all of the thoughts, I need to ask for help. But right now I"m not in the position to ask for help. I see where I need to be the first week of classes, and that is in class, afterwords if I have to go in to the hospital then so be it. But this weekend is not the weekend to do it. I have work, I'm going to work, I'll take meds if I have to, to just be able to have my head with me, and not in that pit of destruction.

Right now, and through out the day has be very hard, I still haven't told my family about what's going on, and the possible need for the hospital again. None of them knows what's going on, or what could have happened. I can get things out here, and hopefully be able to hang on a bit longer. No set date on any plans, which is good. If there was a date, I really don't know what would happen, either someone would find out before, I would not act on them, or someone would have to call for help. If I can keep it form a set plan, then I can continue to ignore it. It's what I do, and I"m good at it. I can ignore this for a bit longer, I know I can. I have too.


I just realized something, besides the ignoring tactic, I have also been not a good example. and I apologize for not taking my own advice, for not doing what I would have told people to do if they were in my shoes. I'm sorry I never meant for this to go this way. I just had to help others in their struggles, and now, I should let them know, but I'm scared of anyone finding out. I want to go to my first day of classes. by Thursday all of my classes will have started (Except Physics lab) It's a long weekend, so If I have to then I'll go in on Friday until Monday to get help.... That's my plan and I hope I'll stick with it..... or I"ll need some convincing.

A long 18 hour day

I had 14 and a half hours of work, in one day. and one the way home, my mind deceived me. Or in other words, I had to go inside my head to try and make it so that I could be okay, and no one would notice that I was struggling. I've gotten pretty good at it, making it look like I'm Sleeping. Not to mention not even my sister knows the struggles of the last 4 days. I've kind of hid from all of the pain of telling people. I just haven't wanted to face the truth. I want to continue to deny that there is a problem, but I do need help, I need someone to talk to, someone to convince me that I can go get help, and still have enough money to live, with out the next couple of days. It's going to take quite a bit to convince me.... to do what is best to survive.

I'm going to have to see a counselor, and hopefully ask for help...