Annoying people

This is one of those complaining times. I finally got sleep, and then I get to work, and there's 5 of us for a grocery store. Then later more show up.... and there is a second store...... and having dizziness doesn't help. I felt as if was going to pass out while on a ladder.  Luckily that didn't happen, I took it slow.... but this is getting annoying. I wish we were done... I want a new job but I'm not quite ready.

50 ways to escape

The flight-or-fight response has become a problem.... and I've been given a challenge to find 50 ways to escape and I'm posting them here... for others and for personal reference. Oh and it can't be watch this show, or read a specific book..... This is hard!! Oh and no using already made up lists. Also they must be positive coping skills... no maladaptive skills.

1. Read a fictional novel
2. Play a game on my phone
3. Listen to music
4. Exercise
5. Play an instrument
6. Watch a movie
7. Leave the room
8. Put a puzzle together
9. Journal
10. Blog
11. Cook
12. Make a snowflake, crochet
13. Work on ear training
14. Use Calm, a meditation app
15. Draw
16. Call a friend
17. Get on Facebook, chat
18. Eat something mindfully
19. Clean
20. Go for a drive
21. Listen to an audio book
22. Visualization
23. Talk a walk
24. Window shop
25. Dance
26. Take  random pictures
27. Study a topic of interest
28. Write a fictional story
29. Eat chocolate
30. What are you grateful for List
31. Look at Pinterest
32. View YouTube videos
33.  Take a bath


I need 17 more... time to look at the internet for more.... I need ideas!!!!

34. Find Jokes/ something to laugh at
35. Look out a window... find something random
36. Serve others
37. Make a random list
38. Create a random melody
39. Plan a night out
40. Choose a number add/subtract to 0, if possible
41. Squeeze a stress ball
42. Progressive muscle release
43. List strengths

6 more...... maybe tomorrow.

44. Read scriptures
45. Pray
46. Stretch
47. Do something that scares you, speak up to others
48. Identify cognitive distortions used in the last hour
49. Drink cold water
50. Challenge a fear

And there's no repeats!! that was a challenge to come up with but now I will have access to this list and it's practical for me, and I hope for others. Enjoy!

Insomnia

I started a new med and I have had insomnia, only getting 4 to 6 hours of sleep. I attempt to sleep by 11 pm but normally I fall asleep 1 to 3 hours later. Then waking up by 3 to 6 am. I'm hoping this changes soon..... but its not just the new med, it PTSD as well. Nights are hard, with flashbacks and nightmares. My muscles in my neck are very sore... and tense. Which doesn't help the sleep aspect. But what really is the point?

I've had several flashbacks to my first hospitalization. It was 6 years ago today, and same day of the week.... which doesn't help. I remember feelings of am I going to be here for Christmas? And wondering what I could do to get out. I had a panic attack and suicidal thoughts,  I was scared,  I reached out for help. I talked with different people. .... then had to be picked up by my parents because I was so anxious. I remember it and don't want it to happen today..... one reason for me being so scared.

Another part of this is I've been struggling spiritually as well..... I keep wondering why I have to go through trauma, from bomb threats to being kicked out of a church school for anxiety attacks, and wanting to die at so many times over the past few years, to having been hospitalized 5 times between November to February, oh and who can forget the many anxiety attacks. I normally don't talk about the spiritual side of things because why do I have too! I'm scared and frustrated and comfort is not easy. Feeling connected to a God that allows for this to happen to me, let alone allowing it to happen to countless others. Yet, I know that there is some love behind allowing us to struggle. I know that there is something to learn, but I feel so alone!

My muscles in my neck hurt, by body is tired, and my mind.... is being affected. I have a headache that is not helping me think straight. I just want to stay home.... and do nothing. .... any way to not go into a flashback. I know today maybe hard, but I'm facing it head on.... that's all I can do.

Undergrad exams done!!

Exams are over. and Cleaning has started. Kind off. Now what  am I going to do with my time??? That's the big question, but I finally lost 6 pounds. I'm excited for the future but lots to decide on but one thing is for sure.... I have mental things to take care of, which will require a lot of work. Let Life really begin!

30 minutes

Went through the last set of slides... yea?! Lots of information, and lets just hope that the mind stays like it.... correction the mind is going to stay like it is now, full of information and ready to pass this test!!!! I have to keep looking for these little things that I do to change how I think, it's a long process but worth the time and effort. I have to pack up and head over for the test, but I'm prepared. I will do well. and I will get that wonderful paper back and see what the instructor thought about it. I may wait to read comments until tomorrow morning... let's just have a great test and have a great night with lots of typing and just relaxing.. I think... there for I am... I will read a fun book tonight and research if I can still take out books at the school library as a community member since I'm almost done. Can't believe it, all the crap that I have been through has been worth it and I'm ready to deal with the fall out, and deal with PTSD symptoms, So excited to start working on that, and doing my own research for once. I will still keep learning. That's what life is all about.

One hour

3 lectures to go through and eat lunch. and only one hour to do it in... I think I'll start with lunch. and study at the same time.

Computer restarting....

I just turned on my computer and it wants to update and restart.... oh so annoyed. I don't need my computer doing this to me... I need to find out what I missed for risk assessment..  And my book is at home. Only 2.5 hours until the test. and I need that computer up, NOW! Yes I'm impatient.

Then it turns on and I see this>

A Perfect reminder at what I need to stop doing... but how... oh wait just do it... Freaking out does not help but... oh wait that's an excuse. Just like having a headache and not doing a thing about it. I'm learning more than just my classes!!!

Last final for undergrad...

Last 48 hours have been tough. I have had a medication change and my body is reacting to the change. I've felt like I am going to pass out, and woke up with a headache. I know it's the medication, I did get some sleep, but it was toss and turn all night type. I feel overwhelmed but at least the headache is finally starting to lift... after waking up at 6 am and feeling crappy. I have taken steps to succeeding and my last post came in handy, it was exactly what I was doing, and now I have to turn things around. must focus... Last exam for undergrad is at 2:30pm, anxiety is high, but it can be controlled. I hate being on so many medications but if that's the way that I have to, then I have to, and I have to accept it and move one. I've learned a lot about me in the last few hours, one thing being that I'm stubborn and that has to change. I had a great teacher but, it's time to let go and do well. Let go of fear, and amaze myself with my strength, which is something that I normally don't acknowledge that fact. I have to change and prepare myself for an unknown future and allow in people around me to help. I'm  changing, and seeing my faults and realizing through an uncensored screen that I have been sabotaging myself, and have made my life harder than it needs to be.

Life is work, hard, consistent work. 

Good Morning

It's 6 am and I am awake and preparing for a busy study session. Before that I wanted to blog about a quote that came up on my computer.

I'm at the end of my program and almost done. I've been fixed on the past, like grades and what happened last time I was on a medication, and the things that happened in the past. The second half seems relevant to what is happening now. I can do well on these exams but I need to put the time and the effort into passing those last round of exams. I have lots to do, and must focus. I can do this!!

Soo much to do.... where to start.....

Last week of classes and the food that is cooking is not helping my focus problems. I have a lot to do and don't know where to start or how to prioritize the long list..... so I'm posting it here to hopefully reduce anxiety.

Done so far.... (the short list)
HP(health psychology) Lecture (L) 17
HP L 18
Working on L19



TO do!!! (condensed)
HP L 20-25
Science and Pseudoscience 10 Lecture videos to study and look at all the material and the instructor was no help on where to focus my study.....
Clinical Psych and Law..... look at Exam 2... and the study guide with classes 9-15 (and this final is all short answer... must know everything)

That's three weeks of material or more in less than a week.... ya so freaking out!!! not enough time!!!

Oh and deal with flashbacks of prior degree and last 3 weeks.. ya PTSD so not fun. MDD not fun either.... this sucks....

Oh and that's only 9 credits but it feels more.... AHHHHHHH Must throw something!!! I'm so not calm and can't focus too well... and I need to just power through this.... how..... ahhhhhh

Putting people to the test....

That test being, are you really listening,  or are you just ignoring what is being said. And the test came back, 2 listen and one continues to ignore. We'll see if this changes things.

I'm still struggling, my back hurts, lip hurts, and still trying to deal with hallucinations and past memories. I just wonder can I sleep? I'm so anxious and in pain, and my mind is still fully awake. Except sleep is a needed thing for finals week.... I mean the week before..... there's so much to get done. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I like your Idea BUT....

I have a very annoying older sister and she never lets me for get that I'm the younger one. I asked her to move her crap, so that I could put up my Christmas tree.... her response.... "I like your idea but, can't you find another place for it. I don't have time to move my stuff and you don't have the strength." She leaves the room annoyed. After I think about it, I tell her I am going to put up my tree on Sunday. She resorts with, "so I have to find a spot for my stuff." I finally stood up to her and that's the type of respect that I get, I'm not so sure how much more of this crap I can take. I need to leave this situation soon, it's tearing me to pieces. I need to study but, I can't get this out of my mind.

I stood up to her, yet I feel like crap afterwards. I've requested a parent meeting to talk about said sister.

2-3 hours at a time.... and yet I have classes to catch up on.... TRIGGER WARNING

But WAIT!!!!! So I asked my sister to take a medication, and she said that I should keep it, because I could be back on it........ Let's see I already had planned an overdose.... it's not a good idea to keep a lot of medications around me.... but she doesn't get it, and I can't get it out of my head. It's a medication that I know the location of, and that could be used as a means... Now I want to look up information online... and the news is not helping.... change the channel quick!!

I get about 2-3 hours that I can be upright.. I'm hoping that I can expand that but I have to be careful.. I just hope I sleep well. Last night I woke up about 4 am in pain, then after about a half hour I could fall back asleep. It is easier to wake up though which is good... and then I sneeze and got dizzy. I so need to fall asleep. and I think I'm ready too. This is not the post I started out writing as I wrote the title but oh well.

Long day

I need to call for help quicker. I did go into the er for back spasms and dizzy,  along with anxiety. I did what I could at home. I got passed the social worker with a plan to see people tomorrow.  And its almost time for sleep after a really terrible day. May tomorrow be better.

Trigger warning

*******************

Do not read if you get triggered. But I got to get a few things out.

I was pulled over yesterday which didn't help. I was driving distracted by suicidal thoughts. I almost said hey can you give me a break I am suicidal. But that would have made things a lot worse. Since then I've thought of many methods,  and it keeps getting worse. I'm not sure how long I can control my actions. I'm scared of asking for help. I'm scared of telling anyone the truth.  I don't want to go back to the hospital and be without my phone. Yes u would be physical safe but not mentally. I've had to take ativan to control my mind. And will have to do it again. Is this the meds or the topic paper I was working on for the week? That's the question, and I don't have an answer.

Crying

Tears started a few hours ago and they really haven't stopped. I'm not doing well. It could be medication, and it could have been a paper. I was stopped by a cop and almost wanted to say, I've been feeling really bad lately, I was distracted, but I really didn't know that rule of moving over in town. It's got to me. Am I really... no is it really worth living if things go this bad all the time? I'm not playing organ tomorrow because I am not up for it. People will miss it but I'm not in the right state of mind. and so close to end of my semester.... this sucks. and I'm still crying

Paper

The last week I was working on a paper on suicide..... and today, I wrapped a cord around my neck to see how it felt. Then looked up information. I've been out of the psych ward for a week, and the thoughts are back because of what I was studying. I'm very afraid to be alone tomorrow. Scared that I could try it again, for reals this time... also scared that I'd end up back in the psych ward... No one will be around me for much of tomorrow.... I'm scared.

Side effects

Started a new med and I feel nauseous. Oh and its thanksgiving.  What a great combination. I sure hope it gets better soon!

Squirrel

I've been on a new med. Now its hard to stay focused. And it tends to create a headache. Not sure what to do.... and I have a 10 page paper to write. ....

Annoying

My downstairs neighbor is playing guitar. .... and its almost midnight and I'm so not patient. Partly due to all the activity in my brain from a meditation change. ..... oh good it stopped.

What's it like surviving..... post on PsychCentral.com

Over the past week I have had some issues. Just as I am about to gather stuff, I suddenly have this taste for what if I failed a suicide attempt. There's a post on PsychCentral that illustrates what it is like to survive after a suicide attempt. It's a good thing for those of us considering suicide to think about the impact after a fail of that nature.

There's another thing that I worry about is the fact that I'm not as depressed but slightly happy, which is another read flag. I know that I have to seek out talking to another. I just have to, even if I don't want to. I have to talk to someone that is safe. Which means someone outside of my living situation. I should just call the crisis line and talk with my T but I really don't want to. This is a hard spot to be in, and I hate it.

Put on a smile....

I went out and was around a bunch of people, yet I still feel like I'm lying when I talk with others. I had to purposely smile. and if you haven't done that it takes a lot of energy out of you. Leaving you with still wanting to die. I still haven't talked to anyone about it. Just keep trying to continue. Saw the instructor of the class that the poem came from, and ended up in tears. After that it was an increased effort to put it behind me.. which didn't work. I just hope that.... something changes quickly. Especaily when driving is getting harder to do without wanting to end up..... It would be easy, but then a post comes to mind of what it's like after a suicide attempt. That makes things harder. But still I put a smile upon my face even though I feel like crap.  I don't like lying to others but how many know what NOT to say. I don't like putting on a smile when there's so much grief.

Free Falling

I was in a religion class and we where challenged to write our own lyrics for a song. Here's what came to mind.

Am I a child of God?
Why has He left me?
I know He has given me my life,
but why do I feel so alone?

Am I a child of God?
Why do I want to die?
Is this the path to choose?
Who can I, no where can I find help.

I've had a hard week and then I write this! I started to cry and still am. I never intended to write this. and no one knows in real life. I'm close to talking with T but don't to admit that this is getting bad, really quickly. There was a way to communicate with the rest of the class, anonymous. So I shared the first set. I was the only one that felt so alone..... Now I'm faced with a bigger issue. do I try and call my T to see if there is an opening, There's a part of me that says no. There's a part of me that says "don't be an idiot, ask for help"

 I'm sitting at a computer trying to get things out of my head and I keep thinking I need to call the crisis line, but I just don't want to admit to myself that things are bad again. I don't want to talk about any of it. And that's another warning sign for me. I know things are bad, but typing it out is easier than trying to say that I need help. Even if I know that my T would trow a ball (a juggling ball, not hard) at me. Because I know all the warning signs for suicide. But I don't want to admit that things are bad again. Partly because I don't want help. I want to die. I can't keep going like this, and that's the other warning sign. Asking for help is a sign of weakness, and I thought I was past this.  I thought things where going well. But their not and I just am having a hard time accepting this.

I am also studying suicide... which is another trigger for me... what the heck am I going to do???????????????? I can't even trust myself to tell myself the whole truth. How am I going to continue like this??? I hate life right now. and can't even reach out to say hey somethings going on and I need you here, right now.

Can't even figure out what has triggered me so much lately. Please.... thoughts... go far, far away. Then I can get things done.... or is that not going to help... I just don't know anymore.

Probing.

Probing is one thing that I hate... so my doctor says; "what are the suicidal thoughts consist of?" I say, something to the effect of, "I DON"T CARE", he asks again, and I say the same thing... but he doesn't give up, keeps asking, wants to know every detail about every thought... I"'m sorry but that is reserved for my therapist. I have to even explain behavioral chaining, and what thoughts are triggered by suicidal thoughts and self-harm thoughts. He is NEVER satisfied. I reserve that information from one person and one only, it's easier that way. So I don't have to go through that info more than once a week.

Battle Scares by Guy Sebastian and Lupe Fiasco is playing on Pandora.... here's a few lines that fit right now.


"I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

 These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle "


It hits me that I have research to do. and all I keep thinking is of the incident last night. I live with my older sister and she has taken on some annoying characteristics. I asked her to turn of the light.. and she got defensive, that's not the only time that this has happened. I can't take this abuse anymore. I want out. It isn't right to be hurting this bad. Last week I had a memory pop into my head, and it never left. Its irritating, and not leaving quickly. I want to go and visit a school and she said no you can't go... I'm sorry but that's not how it works. You sis, can not control me. Not anymore. I have to confront her but I just can't deal with that and school right now. She doesn't understand that I'm not happy living with her... because I have had a few things fall by the way side and it's leaving me in a bad position.

She views me as BROKEN> I'm NOT broken. She doesn't get it. I have to get out of this life.. and then the suicidal urges/thoughts return and get stronger. I want to set a plan in action to get away from this all. I can't do it anymore. Let me out of here!!!!!! Then I realize I really need to talk to someone... but I don't want to.

I also told Doc that when I get angry that the suicidal thoughts get worse. What I failed to mention was I've been suicidal lately. and I just don't care anymore. Bring it on!!!

Here's a little more on my sister and what happened last night.

My sister is 8 yrs older and treating me like I'm broken. I can't take it anymore, I want an out. I've thought of writing a note to here to address bigger issues, but it also triggers me. I want to run but if I leave know she may judge me. And I'm still in a world of hurt, and trying to cry silently. This is no way to live. I'm not choosing to really live for me, but I make up reasons to live for others. .... which means my own needs are not being met. I wish I could call someone. 

Bad Day... I mean Week

I'm falling fast. Focus is off, I have a test tomorrow and I'm in no condition to take it. or to study... this is bad. I'm very down, not wanting to do anything but curl up and do nothing. which is a problem... I remembered something a few days ago and no it haunts me. I can't escape. Can't even describe what I see, because I don't know for sure... it's fuzzy, I'm not even sure if it's real or not. Or if I'm just planting that inside my head due to some facts that I do know.... ^insert scream here^

Exams

I noticed today that I like to relax after a test and it puts me behind for the next. I need to use meditation to relax instead of wasting time. Especially to do well on the next exam.

Distraction Please. Suicide mentioned. Read with discretion

So much to do... risk level has increased... very triggering class... and now music to distract me so I can prepare for exams... I have one on Monday.. one Wednesday.. then one the following week. I need to study... but I should call T but don't want to deal with it. .... but may be I should... Anxiety is high... risks are increasing...

I am calming down now.. music helps. still afraid of not knowing what would happen if I did call crisis line for T. I could talk to him directly but, I just don't want to deal with it. I have so much going on, lots to do.... an interview on Monday for a job... Lots of good stuff.. and then momentary trigger, but it's a good thing right? Okay, I'm ready to study now... Breathing helps.... I knew before that this class could be difficult.. but that's what I get for studying psychology. I'm okay now. level back at 1.

It still bugs me that  I am still a hypocrite about calling a crisis line... I have in the past, or at least it was calling docs offices, or calling hospital but never a crisis line... Even if I know I can talk to my T relatively quickly... Yet if I just post here, it gives me that release of thought to continue on. Yet at the same time how can I recommend someone to call a crisis line if I can't call myself... It's not about pride... It's just I don't want to talk...

Rather,  I don't want to feel uncomfortable, talking about suicide is very uncomfortable... but I don't want to continue to be a hypocrite...

Never Being Good Enough

Never Being Good Enough!!!!

That's the wall that I want to break. Currently I am overweight. I haven't wanted to workout. This is important because I have not felt that I'm important.

Why I wanted Suicide so bad
~~ Fear of the future
~~ Fear of not being enough
~~ Fear of being imperfect
~~ Fear of leaving home
~~Fear of LIVING!!!!

Why I bring up the weight.... because I am afraid of the same thing as I want with why I wanted Suicide.

A little look with my study skills... I am still afraid that I'll fail, that I'm not good enough, that life is not worth living...

Now I know, what I am afraid of, and what I need to change, mentally.

Guilt, escape, Shame

I said one, what I meant was two. It's a simple concept but then the guilt sets in. I want to just lie to myself, but then I lied in a group. I'm ashamed that it happened. During the check in I didn't look at my therapist but I did look at the wall. At the time I didn't think that I had lied, but guilt set in a little bit later. I wasn't sure what I was feeling until now. 18 hours later. But it's also not fair that my therapist said something that I haven't forgotten. I am the strongest person in the group, and they look up to me. We were talking about what would happen to them if I had committed suicide. It' wasn't right that he put that on me, which also says you can't show weakness.

I hate weakness, asking for help is weakness. Calling a crisis line is weakness. Admitting guilt is weakness. All of these things are weaknesses for me, some are irrational, others are normal.

Then the question is "how strong am I?" I'm attempting to deal with suicides through a research project, I have 5-10 sources to read on how media influences suicide clusters. It's an interesting topic, but I have to ask myself if I am in a crisis, would I call the crisis line? It's hypocritical for me to tell others to call, when I can't call myself. I can't call because, I don't want to interrupt what they are doing, I don't want to show weakness, I don't want to admit that I'm in trouble, I can't stand the fact that I don't know what would happen, and don't want to find out. Yet, I can't get that conversation out of my head. It's getting annoying.  I have a lot to do, and don't need a distraction. I need to read quite a bit, and do a few more things. Yet I can't get this all out of my head. And I want to just not admit that my head is in a different place compared to the rest of me.

This is all too much... kind of

I've been thinking... a bit too much but, then again thinking could be just to much. I have a paper and I can choose the and I'm close to doing it on the effects of media on suicide clusters. I'm very interested but it could make things hard. I could choose something different but I don't want to. It's kind of a test to see if I can handle the topic, but on top of that I am also studying stress, coping skills, and other topics. I'm also skeptical about it... hey adding in yet another class. (I've mentioned all 3 in the last few sentences)

It's been an interesting day, and this week I haven't been doing well. I thought I was... then I got reminded of one symptom of depression... hypersomnia. And I noticed that I was wanting to sleep too much and not wanting to do much, and that got me thinking, in a more depressed manor. I hate these realizations. And then I see the time and realize I can escape from this reality, through sleep. Like I said, this is all too much.

2 years of Behavioral Chaining

Over the past 2 years, my T has been trying to change a thought pattern, without me knowing it was happening. Well now I know. In the last few months it was "Uncomfortable emotion/thought --> Suicidal thinking --> Self injury" He's been working on fixing that second part. In the last 4 weeks I have been trying to decrease self-injury thoughts and actions. Meaning the suicidal thoughts returned. And now it makes sense. To fix that second part, he has been reacting positively to suicide. It sounds back words but it's suppose to help. There's trust there.

I told him that I slipped and that's how the above come out. It's weird now, knowing that its been like this. I thought it was strange but it left a smile on my face when ever I left the office. Now it seems different. Yesterday he brought up the MASH theme song. And played it several times. Which by the end I was a bit annoyed. I didn't want to hear it and be triggered. Then today, I went looking for it. and it's distracted me a bit.

Then again looking on youtube is not a good study skill. Guess I better get back to Competency to testify.

So close

I don't talk too much about my studies but I have to get it out of my head.

I had my first round of tests, and this last test I thought I was doing well.. I guessed I was in the 80% range..... Then the score came up.... 68%. This just isn't good. I need to score higher, I'm frustrated because I know I could have done better, had I not been so suicidal. I wasted my time, and tried to hold on to life, that I'm not sure I want anymore. I have the potential to do great but I don't take every opportunity to do so. Then I get down on myself, and that doesn't help the situation. I have to find a way to get all three subjects in Every Single Day.

I just hope after the test closes, that I can review the exam and see what went wrong, and where to change my study habits.

I set a Goal of how many hours to study. 20 a week, but aiming for higher than that, and actually study.

What does this mean, it means, taking care of me faster, and cutting no essential things. And not being so hard on myself.

Why so many triggers

Today has been filled with triggers. I found some strength today. I was triggered in front of a group, and still had to preform for them to sing to, I found a bit of strength to push those thoughts out of my mind. It was nice but then a whole bunch came. Had a disagreement happen with my sister and the crying helped to release some of that tension.

Reaching for help

I've wondered why asking for help is so hard, and I finally found an explanation. Reaching out for help means letting other know that there is an issue, not only that but due to history. There are several times that I was reaching out for help, and then was suspended from school. Even though I was asking for help that time. Now reaching out means weakness, that I can't handle it by myself, like I was attempting to do. Now after a very trying day, I was close to letting family know, but at the same time, couldn't due to fear, shame, and other things. I was close today on several accounts to enacting an actual plan, it was in my head. And I went into protection mode, meaning no contact with anyone because if I had, then things could have gone badly. People ask me why I don't ask for help, and that's why.

Trying to get started this morning.

I woke up to the sound of my sister getting up. I have been attempting to get up earlier to beat her in, but still give her the time that she demands. She asked me about it on Sunday and that's when behaviorism took over, she started to get up at the same time as me again! I can't take this anymore, I want to be able to get up without her in the bathroom. It happens every morning then when I try to change, she matches me. I can't take it anymore. Its one of those other reasons that makes suicide so tempting. I'm trying to have classical music to distract me, it's not working due to anxiety being higher then it has been. What's a girl to do, if she has to CONFORM to her older sister. I don't want to conform anymore. I know people say suicide isn't the answer but, for me it would make things so much easier then trying to live with a CONTROL freak. I need my own place, this is suffocating. Contract is up in May, I must have enough money to move out, and a good job.

I don't want to conform to anyone, and if that person stops me, then I'm going to Kick them in the butt. I want my own life now, I wish that cloudy feeling would return, it made things easier.

You've made it so far

Another thing stuck out about the session today, that I can't get out of my head. "You've made it so far, Don't quite now" Then I think about Robin Williams. How he made it so far and gave up in the end. It's getting to me, and I can't get it out of my head. Then I keep seeing this part in a movie, and keep seeing me instead of the actor, desperate for death. I want to do well on my exam tomorrow and since I may not be able to sleep, at least I have something to do. Not sure how much more I can take tonight. I should call, I should talk to a multiple of people. Instead I am putting what I'm thinking online. Now I just need to study a bit more tonight. Since my mind is relaxing a bit.

You're Stronger than you think

Trigger warning** Suicidal Content

9 years of experience, of harboring suicidal thinking, and fighting that stickn' thinkin'. Today I discovered more about myself, and the horror thoughts that have occurred. As I was talking with my therapist today, he made a great point. Behaviorism is the belief that behavior has a specific purpose. The example he gave was: he had me put my good hand out, I didn't expect anything. Then his hand came down, hard on mine. He then asked if I wanted to put my hand out again, and I said no. Then we discussed the fact that suicide for me became an addiction, and now I'm on an extinction curve. This last bout is due to an extinction burst. It sounds simple, and it is, but it isn't.

Then he brought up a few group members an how much they look up to me because I'm the farthest along, the one that is closest to being whole. And how much it would hurt those in the group. Not to mention those that want me to call if things go south. Honestly that hurt a lot. made me think. I supposedly have all these things that are suppose to stop me, but there's a part of me that wants to ignore that. and He could see that. I had to believe that I was fine, and that I would be there for group on Thursday. It's like ignoring a part of me. I'm always pretending. Okay I need help. I'm not sure I can go bowling. But I have to. But I have homework. But I need help. I can't take this tonight. Why did I continue to watch this episode of Torchwood. Why do I keep doing this to myself. and then I start to scream inside. I should call someone. But I can't. I'm not suppose to be broken. I'm not broken. Then I hear music. and it distracts me for a few seconds. I'm not sure if I can even post this. I have a test to study for, but  I just keep going over the session....... People would want a call, I should do something to stop the thoughts, change the behavior, change the situation. actually reach for help. Like I am suppose to. I can't take the guilt, all of that put on one person is just to much. Why did he have to keep going. to keep the guilt trip up. I have things to do and all I have done is watch Torchwood. I should want to go bowling. Yet, at the same time I don't want to. I've thought about seeing my psycho doc but have stopped, because I am suppose to be stronger then this. Then I keep getting chills of who knows what. I'm suppose to be stronger. When I left his office I promised that I would be there on Thursday.WHY??? why does it have to be like this?? I just want to cry, and no one should see me like this. I need to let this go.... FAST. I'm suppose to be stronger then the rest of the group, yet I don't believe it myself. Why is it that I don't believe this? And then suicide gets mentioned. Please let me escape from my mind. I  should want to, but interacting with people is so hard.

Should I even post this??

The real answer game a while ago. and I need to just publish it anyway. Then may be I can get some feed back. 

24 hours of cloudy feeling

Last 24 hours was great,  felt like I was in a cloud but without feeling suicidal. I wish it could have lasted longer. I am blessed with people who care. Just not with work start time..... 5 am. And that will come fast. I still have a lot to study, just no will to study. I also found out that to jave my jaw in the correct place it will cost $5900 all up front. I'm freaking out about it. I just don't want to deal with pain.... on the way home I felt like speeding up and hitting a pole. Not where I want to be, and then those throughs distract me from studying.  At least working will distract me completely.

So little accomplished

At the end of the week, I've seen so little done. I have so much left to do, but have been struggling all week. I had 7 hours and needed more like 15-20. Which means I have to study tomorrow. Or at least hope so. It all depends on if I can keep my mind off everything. I just hope something changes soon. I can't keep going on like this. Especially with 3 tests in the next week and a half.

Music, the only distraction

I wish I could have music playing all day in one ear. I found that music if it's music I like or classical helps with all that I am feeling. This is the one place that I can just express, but yet I still hide. I don't want to admit that I was close to finding a way to just die. What kept me going is the fact that people rely on me to do things for them. I just hope that tomorrow they are willing to do something for me... before I pop and get close to wanting to just die. My therapist would ask if I am safe. and right now, I don't feel safe. My mind keeps working on wanting pain that it's distracting. I have three tests in the next week and I need to do well. One that I'm stressing over is a short answer test. I just hope I can just put it all out there, and just writing will help to decrease the severity. It's the best hope that I have right now. At least work will distract me farther. I can do this. I have to keep going. I just hope I am not too distracted to think straight.

Malingering...

I'm trying to study about malingering but I'm getting triggered. The whole thing about someone being dishonest about their symptoms and that others can see right through those lies, is really getting to me. I'm starting to wonder if theirs any of that for me. In a one-on-one session, there were many psychology terms that were identified, for example, conditioning to laughter and overly excited reaction to suicidal thoughts. Now that I see malingering, I just want to scream. He did ask if I was safe and I said yes. Only 2 people know (or at least were told). I don't know why it is happening, but its bugging me. I have to get through this study session and class without breaking.

PInch me

I need to wake up from this nightmare. It's physically draining and ....... I haven't felt this crappy in several months and then it comes back as I try and stop self-harming. Addiction is funny like that, once your clean it comes back.

I try to focus and my mind goes to what's going on. I know by know what warning signs to look for, and what not to tell a Mental Health Professional. I can work around that... Right now I just want to wake up from this night mare, and actually feel awake. Not sure how much of this I can take.

I'm 14 days clean, and the challenge that I was given is to make it to day 21.... But I want to just get rid of all this pain. I want an escape. Not just to fall asleep.

Almost there

about an hour and I'll be fast asleep. Which means I've made it. Triggers were high and I did it!!! I didn't given in to addiction. On the not good side, I still have a lot to read and study before classes and lectures. I should have been studying all day but I didn't and I just have to work harder tomorrow. I did get one assignment done but it cause a lot of issues.... I'm beginning to see many cognitive distortions.

But....

I'm 5 days clean from an addiction and I so want to just start over, but I'm also tired of starting over. Then there's the negative effects of the last week. I down played it to my Therapist, he thinks that its from the addiction that's been hard. I can barely put it on screen as to what is going on. I just can't see it, or even tell anyone. This could be a long night.

Getting up

I've had some issues with getting up with my alarm. I can get up for work but not so much with everyday life. School starts on Monday and I have an 8am class that I have to be alert and awake. To prep for that the last two days I have gotten up around 5:30am. Which is really early. and I'm wondering if that is too early, or is my body just not used to running on 6-7 hours of sleep? Time will only tell.

Reaction to Robin Williams

Robin Williams will be missed. He left a wonderful collection of moments that will be remembered.  Huffpost Celebrity wrote this:

"Comedian Robin Williams once told an interviewer that he struggled with depression, but hadn't been diagnosed with either "clinical depression" or bipolar disorder.

Williams, 63, who had been struggling with depression before his apparent suicide on Monday, told Terry Gross on the "Fresh Air" NPR radio show in 2006 that mania was something he imitated for characters he sometimes performed. But depression, he said, was more personal. 

"Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes," Williams said. "Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.""

End quote. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/11/robin-williams-mental-illness_n_5670367.html?utm_hp_ref=celebrity&ir=Celebrity

Why is that so many people HIDE from the rest of the world about their reality with mental illness. IS it something that we have to feel so much SHAME from? Is it because we feel like we could lose the confidence of some one we love? Is it that hard to say?

Those of us who feel shame because of what others think, and their judgements. STOP!!!

I was a little shocked but also know that Suicide is not caused by depression, it's a result. It's those that just can't take it anymore. When things get so bad that, suicide is the only way that is seen to get out of. I know this is the tricky subject, and their are many opinions, many reasons, and MANY people who give in to suicide. Their are many people who die, and everyone says that we look at what they achieved. Yes that's all fine but why not talk about what resources that there are for mental illness and when the dark times come. Please if you are reading this, spread the news that there are MANY people out there that are willing to help when living in your mind becomes difficult. There are many suicide hotlines in many parts of the world that are there for that that reason, to try and save a life.

What will Robin Williams miss?
* Family and Friends
* making people laugh
* and many more.

What will you miss IF you take your life? What will the WORLD miss if you can't be there to create amazing things?

Today

Today is the day that I start living, and start moving more. I'm still having a hard time searching for a job partly due to family that is coming into town. I should have gone and picked up an application but I had to clean up a bit... but that should have not been an excuse. I am afraid to try this new type of job. I'm not sure if I can lift 50 pounds... oh wait, I can't, I have only gotten up to 3 pounds, with my weak hand... so maybe I can lift up to 8 pounds. How many jobs are there with lifting only 8 pounds. Then again, I wonder if I can keep the extinction curve going down without relapse.

I'm scared, but I can say that today I have read in a book, cleaned up a bit, and gone to the store, and working a dead end job. So today I have gotten things done. I hope to finish one book and start another. Partly because the book is due tomorrow at the library.

Fear of the Future

My first suicidal thought happened because I was afraid that I would not make it back to Illinois which I had just gotten back from a trip less than a week.I wasn't sure what I was feeling but I know that is what it was. The trip was wonderful, but I focused on the future and not knowing what would happen.

It's been 8 years. So far I have failed to make it back to Illinois, like I said that I would. I have only one degree, and have been kicked out due to anxiety. I have had many times of suicidal thinking. I only have one degree to show for all my time in college and have one year left and then I'll have two.

Right now I just want to run, looking at this just brings on a lot more fear, stress, anxiety. Today has not been easy, with dealing with getting home at 4 am. I just need to vent. this is not been an easy day. I still need to apply for a position but I'm scared that it's not going to work... again fear of the future. I just want to run, and escape. But I do have work tomorrow. bright and early. oh joy.

A lot on my mind

The past two weeks have been more intense in therapy but I know it will be worth the time. The last two days have been full of travel and work, and a lot of talk about other coworkers. I did a little bit of soul searching and found that I need a different job. There is so much talk about others that just makes me uncomfortable. Giving coworkers nicknames is ridiculous. It's no way to treat others, even if it's behind their backs.

Today I was able to put in one application and got some Resume' paper, and researched some places to try.

Then there's the conversation in therapy. I keep thinking about what purpose suicide has, besides escape of the current situation. I don't know that purpose, and it's driving me crazy.

I have another day that I could work but it means giving up the day after to recover from that work night. I am tempted to give it up, that way I can take care of me.

Then in regard to a different job I have to think about my hand and the very little weight that I can lift with it. and if the job has a lot of repetition then is my hand ready?! I've thought of fast food places but my hand isn't ready. What else can I do?

I've thought about fast food, but that doesn't seem to fit right. I've thought about a home aid or developmental disability worker/PSR. I just don't know. What else is there that's easy to get into. I just don't know.

"one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Finals

I've had this overall feeling of doom.... oh wait. and I know why too. I've been off a medication for almost a week. and it's kind of my fault, and the insurance company. and it's finals week. I so don't need this. But it's been a rough day, and I've thought about death for most of the day. and thought about an advanced directive. I just need someone to talk to... and then again I also need to practice organ. Get my mind of everything. or at least try.

Ugh

I know I have a lot to work on, but I'm doing laundry, so Netflix is on, and I'm distracting myself from homework. Then again the stress is starting to get to me, because everything is just coming down on me. I need to get to work on a paper, assignment and reading/studying.

Time

I have a very busy week, but not wanting to do much, except watch House. Then again, my mood today is not good. I'm trying to focus on other things, I need to practice scales. Then again when your instructor asks if you are ready for Technical Jury, and you say maybe. mmmm time to move places, then maybe I can get something done.

WORST month so far this year

I keep thinking of suicide, due to what is going on. I found out the cash price of the medications that I am on is over $3000. Honestly with that bit of info, it freaks me out. I'm doing all I can to get medications. But until that time that I can go over to my doctor's office, the worry and dark thoughts continue. I'm doing all I can to stop the thoughts but, it's just not working. I have classes today, but the assignments are not done, and my head is hurting physically. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared, and I don't like it. I'm freaking out, and trying to control where I am mentally. Needless to say I'm in a bad place, ad class is about to start. Please can I just curl up on the floor and sleep. This so does NOT help me, being so close to the end of the semester.

Survey

I need your help. I am taking an Experimental Psychology class and we have been to ask complete an experiment. I have a survey for you to take. Thank you for your time, it only takes 5-10 minutes.


http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/1582165/fce1bd45b339

All TOO much

I can't take this anymore. 5 people died a week and a half ago. 4 were in a family and died of CO poisoning. 1 from a suicide. Now just connect the two, and see where I am. I've looked up CO poisoning, and my sister ended up wasting money on a CO Detector. (we don't have any natural gas coming into our place... kind of pointless) I should be studying but I had to feel pain tonight, to see if that would help. and I feel worse.

I look over and see that detector, and resent it. I need to study but feeling like crap just doesn't help. Seeing a newspaper about the deaths is something that I wish that I never saw. This is all just too much.

There is such a thing as too much sugar

I just kept eating the bit size cookies... with in an hour I had a headache starting. So I went for a cheeseburger and fries. That didn't help. Just before bed I looked up if you can have a sugar headache, and that two much sugar causes toxins that harms the body. Which means over the next few days, I can't use sugar as a coping mechanism.

Before the binge, there was a reason, I was hungry didn't know what I want. Besides that, I was scared about sharing thins at MRT last night. I got through it, but with a headache.

I have had to much sugar, and I have to find some other way to cope besides eating sugar.

WHY?!

I feel like I have a million things to do, and no desire, no will, no motivation to do them. Partly because of addiction, and partly due to the list that keeps staying the same.

I had a frustrating group meeting where no one was communicating. I tried to lead and that wasn't working. Then another group member took over, and I felt worthless. Will I ever be a leader, will people listen to me, will I feel like I can come out of my family's hole, will I ever feel strong enough to be one my own, and not be afraid??? Will I be social enough to find a spouse?

Then I hear others saying, well then give it a shot and do something about it. Be bold, and willing to do anything, even if you fail. Then the other me comes out and says no don't do that, it's not worth it to do that, it's easier to be in someone's shadow, and it's not as anxiety provoking.

With this type of thought process, its' no wonder why I have depression.

Then my screen goes white and I'm not sure why it keeps doing that?! Then I highlight it and it comes to life again.

Besides that I have taken only one trip on my own, except for when driving back and forth from university. Normally someone is with me. I have taken one trip that I was the driver for and one trip with another friend without having to drive. Other than that, I don't take trips alone.

It seems like someone around me has to dictate if I go on a trip, I just don't plan. My motivations to do things has been falling because I feel not in control of my life. No wonder why I feel depressed. I have to make a stand sometimes or I'll continue to feel this same way, day after day, after day. But the question is how?

When I feel helpless, I shut down. I know that about me, and it's hard to reengage after a set back or a positive one (a bit of a pause between things). The other thing, is I just can't get up and out of bed because I don't want to feel like I have to do what is expected of me. I want to be free to be me, and not have to worry about what others' think. I hate it, and I wish I could change ... I wish I could just through out the worry behind what others' think. I hate it and I know it needs to change, but I let it happen.

That's it, I let it happen. Again, I'm thinking of the song "Let it go" from Frozen, I feel sheltered, protected, from myself. I want to be able to just let it go, and not worry about other people. And then the worries come, but at least I know what they are from... finally.

Rant on healthcare in the United States

The new and "unimproved" healthcare in the US, is absolutely GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED. Insurance companies lose the right to change the plan, and it's so ridged that the plan doesn't change. I honestly HATE Obama Care, It's a waste of time and laws. My morning consisted of trying to figure out my health insurance. The one that I got through the health insurance exchange had FALSE information on the insurance. I had to cancel the policy in order to get the right plan.

My advice, never go through the exchange. Find an independent company that will have the authority to change things as needed, if it arises.

On to something else, I wont have insurance for 17 days in March..... I sure hope I can return to work soon!!!

Not wanting to.....

Of the list that I mentioned, here's what I have done today

Practice as much as I can given my hand
2 hour informational meeting about organ


That's it...... so now that it's almost 10pm on Saturday night.


I haven't wanted to do much today, and I am beating myself up about it.


I also missed my meds this morning, which has lead to many thoughts...... of unwanted origin.


And then my computer does this weird thing where it blacks out what I've written and my other tools to write the post.


I have this amazing opportunity but feeling the way I feel makes me not want to take this opportunity. Because of the lack of stuff that I got done today. I know I should feel somewhat accomplished by getting two items off my list but it just makes me feel worse.

I should do this, or that.... why does there have to be such a stigma associated with......

Now that it's midnight... I got a bit more done....a small amount but now it's time for bed. I feel like crap. I just don't want to sleep, yet my body is saying that I need to. The only thing that I can think of is just to read a good book, and hope that it helps.

Too Much to do... and not much will to do it

I have so much going on, and it's starting to overwhelm me with everything that I need to get done....

2 counterpoints for music theory
Read 4 chapeters and take notes to learn something
Play with a virtual rat for 2.5 hours
watch 2-4 hours of lectures and take notes
Practice as much as I can given my hand
2 hour informational meeting about organ
Go over some things for MRT
Exercise to help remain in control
Introduction for my research paper
Practice aural skills

mmm am I missing anything.... I sure hope not...besides this

Do a good portion before Monday.... and not go insane...

The right track but......

I told my T about somethings and gave too much detail. I keep seeing the scene in my head, without much relief. I want this part of it to end, I just can't have it playing over, and over, and then bringing in more memories of the past.

For group today, I realized something. My go to emotion when things are strange, crazy, or I just don't want to talk about it, is a roller-coaster.  Which doesn't tell you too much, besides the fact that life is just not going my way.

I want these memories to just disappear so I can study, and actually do something to not get behind. Also, it feels like my head is no longer connected to the rest of me, and it's getting worse. It's times like this that I normally turn to the suicidal thinking. I'm trying not to, but it's always my go to state.... But even though this is all happening, I still have to play through rehearsal.... even if I'm just ghosting due to swelling. I shouldn't  even go because of that fact but I feel like I have to... I really hate this. GRRRR

Stress and Aural Skills

Today in Aural Skills (ear training for musicians), we were trying to go through a few examples and while the example was playing I got really distracted, and frustrated that I was not able to do write down what I was hearing. It was in my head, but I kept hearing the wrong notes. This feeling of frustration does not help when I need to study, it's just the opposite... it makes me want to just do something that I am good at instead of trying to figure out the right notes. Out of the three examples only two of them came together by the end of class.

Valentine's day

I was going to post today but.......

Let it Go..... more thoughts

Over the past week I have felt more energized by this song from Disney's Frozen, called Let it Go, I finally articulated part of what I do for si, but it's still hard for me. My favorite line is "the Perfect Girl is gone" I always thought that I had to be perfect, and that's when things got harder. I've always been told that I have to be perfect, and then I found pain to be something to help control the shame, but it added more shame.

I've been hurt by my family, by hiding si, hiding depression, hiding every negative thought. It doesn't bother me but the withdrawal of those around me has affected my relationships. Because of all the shame, I hide EVERYTHING. This song helps me to just let it go, not caring what people think. I still want to hide but I realize that mental things have caused some problems with those around me.

I keep playing the song hoping that I will be able to just let things go, and not give into any urges. But the storm is all around me. "Conceal don't feel.... I don't care what they are going to say" I just hope that last part can come true for me, that I can trust in myself to be able to see what I can achieve.

Let It Go

I found a version of this song by Demi Lavato that is in 25 languages. But the message behind the song is what I want to focus on.

I keep thinking about what this song means to me. Everyday I hide my inner thoughts and it seems like a blizzard of thoughts. I'm not bothered by the thoughts, I am bothered by the actions that they result in, especially those relating to time management. 

This semester I am taking 17 credits, dealing with pain and the skin changing colors, having 3 cavities filled, and trying to practice for as long as my body will let me, and loose some weight to get back to the weight on my driver's license. 

I can't hold everything back and that's one reason why I am in a MRT group to work on me, and to handle some of the mental things that happen inside me, that no one sees, or at least that I know about. I've always been told to be the good girl and I put up a show so that every one sees my strengths, and not my weaknesses.  

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

After all this time, I wonder what I can do to just be free from the inner disaster that is inside me. I want to feel free and not just hidden from everyone, and then maybe, socially wont be so awkward. 

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don't care anymore, I just have to find a way to love myself and test my own limits, to really let everything go, and just be me, not the "perfect girl" but still let love in, and breath in FREEDOM!!

Pain and stress

I'll admit I was driving distracted and got a warning for speeding. But in person I wont say anything. I've been a little distracted with pain and stress. Okay not just a little, but quite a bit. I learned my lesson and will always keep the most up to date insurance card.

I've seen my hand in pale color to really dark but not the same as the other hand which is a problem. I'll get to see my doctor about it to see what's going on. and Have I mentioned the 17 credits that are hanging over my head. Not to mention all of the extra stuff to keep me mentally sane. and I still need to do theory homework, which is in like 30 minutes. I'll admit I am a procrastinator. Today I just want to scream since I didn't sleep well due to pain. oh and I have someone in front of me that has volume up on a phone watching something and it's bugging me. please just let today go well with all of the appointments.... (teeth and hand and group)

17

Is 17 credits too much? Should I drop much 4 credit class? I just don't know.

Long, LONG day

It's been one thing after another, and the only thing that I can think of is to post something to get things out. Found out that a good friend back-stabbed me. I told her something in confidence and she ended up talking to my sister about it. Trust is gone there.... and I've been pulling away from family because of my addiction. They would never understand, they would judge me because of what we all have been taught. They may try and understand but ultimately they will never understand.

So here I am typing and silently crying, just trying to get away from all of the pain. Then my mind goes to suicide and my addiction. I tried talking but it's just to painful. I don't want to go to class tomorrow..... especially don't want to perform when all hell is breaking loose. I just want to smash a ball and pretend it's my family and back-stabbing friend. I'm not even sure how much sleep will actually be good tonight. Going to sleep with all of this pain just doesn't seem right. I have lots to study and to do.... I want out..... but tonight there is not a way to run from all of this. The more I try to hide, the worse it gets..... and tonight it's all too much. I just hope tomorrow is a better day, because today really sucked.

3 days into school

Honestly, tonight has been hard. I feel like screaming and yelling.  Once again my sister/roommate has moved my meds. I don't know if she moved them, except for the fact that I apparently didn't move them fast enough.... meaning right when I got them............
This is one reason that I get so angry,  but that's not the only reason. I'm feeling ou of control tonight. I went to a class and I felt like running away. ... then as I was driving I had a moment of suicide thoughts.  I almost wish I could run away tonight from even saying that.
I just want to run from what I have done, but I can't change the past. I can't even change my living situation. Knowing that doesn't help tonight. Maybe reading a book will let me escape for 20 minutes.

Normal emotions

Frustration is a normal emotion.... just not in my world. Its something evil that should be avoided.  That's what my family thinks. So if frustration is felt then one side shuts up and states something about it. Thats all well and good except for me. I don't want people to shut up, and then I feel shame because of it if I continue to talk. It's a protection mechanism that should not exist. Frustration is NORMAL, let it out. Its not evil, its something to be grateful for and accepted,  not shamed.

The fact that I post on here about this is because I do don't feel comfortable talking about this with the actual person because of its all about her.... I'm the broken one anyway. ... and this is a trigger for me.