WHY?!

I feel like I have a million things to do, and no desire, no will, no motivation to do them. Partly because of addiction, and partly due to the list that keeps staying the same.

I had a frustrating group meeting where no one was communicating. I tried to lead and that wasn't working. Then another group member took over, and I felt worthless. Will I ever be a leader, will people listen to me, will I feel like I can come out of my family's hole, will I ever feel strong enough to be one my own, and not be afraid??? Will I be social enough to find a spouse?

Then I hear others saying, well then give it a shot and do something about it. Be bold, and willing to do anything, even if you fail. Then the other me comes out and says no don't do that, it's not worth it to do that, it's easier to be in someone's shadow, and it's not as anxiety provoking.

With this type of thought process, its' no wonder why I have depression.

Then my screen goes white and I'm not sure why it keeps doing that?! Then I highlight it and it comes to life again.

Besides that I have taken only one trip on my own, except for when driving back and forth from university. Normally someone is with me. I have taken one trip that I was the driver for and one trip with another friend without having to drive. Other than that, I don't take trips alone.

It seems like someone around me has to dictate if I go on a trip, I just don't plan. My motivations to do things has been falling because I feel not in control of my life. No wonder why I feel depressed. I have to make a stand sometimes or I'll continue to feel this same way, day after day, after day. But the question is how?

When I feel helpless, I shut down. I know that about me, and it's hard to reengage after a set back or a positive one (a bit of a pause between things). The other thing, is I just can't get up and out of bed because I don't want to feel like I have to do what is expected of me. I want to be free to be me, and not have to worry about what others' think. I hate it, and I wish I could change ... I wish I could just through out the worry behind what others' think. I hate it and I know it needs to change, but I let it happen.

That's it, I let it happen. Again, I'm thinking of the song "Let it go" from Frozen, I feel sheltered, protected, from myself. I want to be able to just let it go, and not worry about other people. And then the worries come, but at least I know what they are from... finally.