Is hope gone?

My hope just left.... Am I too far gone?

I was recently diagnosed with Depression with Psychosis, PTSD, ADHD, and Autism High Functioning. And one that the DSM 5 doesn't recognize... sex addiction. 

I don't know what I am doing anymore. Is hope even there.

Can't I just have one less problem?

Oh and I have 2 classes to finish... and I have meetings for my addiction that I can't make it to.

How can I fix me?? I can't do this alone and I feel like I'm doing it all by myself. Who can help me??

What a week

This week has been a week of HELL!!! I have seen the effects of porn and sex addiction and I don't like it.I see what it does to people and to myself... it's disgusting!! Which means that what I am doing is disgusting.... Notice this isn't shame based language but acknowledging a fact that the lifestyle is disgusting!!

My physical body has suffered this week, I didn't get into the gym as much as I needed. and that resulted in belching.... Now I took time for myself today and I haven't belched yet... I feel good. Yet I'm disgusted with my behavior. I have deleted countless phone numbers, and put blocking software on my devices so I can't look at those HIDEOUS websites. Its truly an addiction for me. and It's time to say it...

I am a Sex and Pornography addict. I use sex and pornography to change the way I feel.

I have hurt so many people. Can I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself? Most importantly I need to work on forgiving myself.

I need relationships, honest true non-sexual relationships. I want a world where I can speak up about all this filth.

Over the past few days I have found countless meeting but I enjoy those that are in person better.. but I work during those meetings.... I need a sponsor.

Reasons why I want to change my behavior and thoughts

1. I need to finish my classes in time... and I'm behind
2. It's all I think about and I have so much more I can do for this world
3. My relationships have become messed up!!
4. I need to keep depression, and anxiety low, and that requires me to workout 5 days a week.
5. I want to stay off medications and the best way to do that is to change my behavior
6. This change is for me... no one else
7. I look over at a Temple picture and I want to go inside and feel of that close relationship with my God
8. I want to protect others from this harmful effect.... oh wait that one is about others not me.

Is that all I can come up with??

Physical and mental effects of MY addiction
decreased need for food
decreased need to exercise
increased negative thoughts
Belching from anxiety


Social impacts
Deceased desire for actual true friends
decreased ability to talk to people
increase in knowledge and better able to regulate emotions in front of others


Is there more?? Yes but that's what I can think of right now.

Is this change for me or for God??
I can't see me doing this anymore it's not what I want... I want a true relationship that has passion and excitement that keeps me going, and one that supports me in my needs and I support them in their needs. I don't have that... because of who I am now... I need to change for me.

Day One... Again

I had a lapse in judgement. This wasn't a RElapse, but just a lapse. There's a difference in my mind. Let me explain about my life. A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. Then I found out a bit more and became so mad at myself for being a sex addict, because I believe he is one too. I became so angry at him for hurting her that I took it out on myself. I didn't talk it out like I should have. I logged on to my phone and started my addictive cycle. I'm still very upset at myself for getting this far. I found that my triggers affect my behavior, and that my thoughts change my compulsions. Needless to say I failed to get things accomplished this weekend and spent a lot of  time in addiction. It was the thrill of finding some sexual partner that kept me going. I'm glad to say I have no taken myself off those websites and can't get on them anymore. Thanks Mobile Fence you are a LifeSaver.

I even did something positive this morning and went for a 35 minute walk at the gym. And now I'm writing about my experience for others to learn how situations affect our addictions. It's not just about the behavior.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and we came up with what happened before, it was very helpful to see how emotional I had become over my friend. Because she meet someone who I had seen online and then some of the other behaviors that I found out angered me.

My Plan to keep myself busy
1. Keep my bedroom door OPEN, unless asleep
2. Schedule my time through Google Calendar on my phone
3. Write something every DAY!!
4. Stay up on assignments given by my therapist
5. Read as much as I can to learn more about how I can handle this addiction.
6. Use meditation and prayer and scripture study DAILY
7. Work hard and keep up on paperwork

That should protect me for 3+ months. I need 3 months of celibacy but... no, no, no, buts!!

I have taken precautions on my phone and have reset things. The only way I will have access to.. Oh wait with my plan I limit everything!!!

I have learned a ton in this experience and have fallen but I hope that God will be there to pick me up and carry me through this hard time. I know he will, if I come to Him!!

Yesterday I hit ROCK BOTTOM!! I don't want to go back to that again!!