Day One... Again

I had a lapse in judgement. This wasn't a RElapse, but just a lapse. There's a difference in my mind. Let me explain about my life. A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. Then I found out a bit more and became so mad at myself for being a sex addict, because I believe he is one too. I became so angry at him for hurting her that I took it out on myself. I didn't talk it out like I should have. I logged on to my phone and started my addictive cycle. I'm still very upset at myself for getting this far. I found that my triggers affect my behavior, and that my thoughts change my compulsions. Needless to say I failed to get things accomplished this weekend and spent a lot of  time in addiction. It was the thrill of finding some sexual partner that kept me going. I'm glad to say I have no taken myself off those websites and can't get on them anymore. Thanks Mobile Fence you are a LifeSaver.

I even did something positive this morning and went for a 35 minute walk at the gym. And now I'm writing about my experience for others to learn how situations affect our addictions. It's not just about the behavior.

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and we came up with what happened before, it was very helpful to see how emotional I had become over my friend. Because she meet someone who I had seen online and then some of the other behaviors that I found out angered me.

My Plan to keep myself busy
1. Keep my bedroom door OPEN, unless asleep
2. Schedule my time through Google Calendar on my phone
3. Write something every DAY!!
4. Stay up on assignments given by my therapist
5. Read as much as I can to learn more about how I can handle this addiction.
6. Use meditation and prayer and scripture study DAILY
7. Work hard and keep up on paperwork

That should protect me for 3+ months. I need 3 months of celibacy but... no, no, no, buts!!

I have taken precautions on my phone and have reset things. The only way I will have access to.. Oh wait with my plan I limit everything!!!

I have learned a ton in this experience and have fallen but I hope that God will be there to pick me up and carry me through this hard time. I know he will, if I come to Him!!

Yesterday I hit ROCK BOTTOM!! I don't want to go back to that again!!