Christmas

I sit down at a blank screen. Well now it's not. But you get the picture, I wonder what this week will bring. It's been a while since I last posted and so much has happened. Meaning BIG things. Many that I don't have answers for, and still hope to have the answers. I saw my ophthalmologist and she saw some inflammation on my optic nerve. I had a brain MRI, which came back normal. But now since I have been getting headaches the doctors want to do a spinal tap. Well, that's on Tuesday and I get anxious just thinking about it. Can I hold still?? Will it hurt?? not to mention, What is wrong?? or is there something wrong?! I still don't know and it's Christmas, I should be happy but I'm not.

Then my psychiatrist wants to put me on a medication that is non-formulary on the insurance company. Which means I can't take that one without approval... and so far that's the second medication that hasn't been approved. I think its because they don't have the full medical record of every drug that I have been on, but what do I know?! Or maybe we should try some of the medications that have worked for a bit with each other and see if it makes a difference. Honestly it's a nightmare and I want something to change. Mainly ME to change!!! But when I feel like crap and don't want to do anything, do I just have to force myself to do things... that doesn't seem right?!

Then I have 20 days, well almost 21 days, will I blow it again??? Or will I continue on my path of recovery. So far, I don't feel like searching for a man online, I just hope that I'll find one after I change, or before I'm not picky. I just hope that I find him. The past few months have been about finding my husband, but looking in the wrong places. I just hope that I can, I hope I can get into a good space to find a man.

Update...

Many things are happening. I found out that my optical nerves are inflamed. And the doctors are not sure why. I think it's because of a medication. So, they ran an MRI and found no masses, but they want to do a spinal tap. I'm getting used to the idea of it but I'm still scared. Tonight i have anxiety higher than normal. I have also been suicidal. Honestly I don't know what is med and what is circumstance I'm so confused. I thought writing this out would be helpful but all it does is make me want to cry.

So the last 2 months have been filled with lots of time on my hands. Many days with using sex and relationships to get rid of stress and anxiety. All the more creating more stress and anxiety.

I'm getting to tired yet I don't want to sleep..... Why is that? I want to...... I don't know I'm not yet I am tired. I hope I fall asleep tonight. I hope I can just stay safe. God help me.