Long day

I need to call for help quicker. I did go into the er for back spasms and dizzy,  along with anxiety. I did what I could at home. I got passed the social worker with a plan to see people tomorrow.  And its almost time for sleep after a really terrible day. May tomorrow be better.

Trigger warning

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Do not read if you get triggered. But I got to get a few things out.

I was pulled over yesterday which didn't help. I was driving distracted by suicidal thoughts. I almost said hey can you give me a break I am suicidal. But that would have made things a lot worse. Since then I've thought of many methods,  and it keeps getting worse. I'm not sure how long I can control my actions. I'm scared of asking for help. I'm scared of telling anyone the truth.  I don't want to go back to the hospital and be without my phone. Yes u would be physical safe but not mentally. I've had to take ativan to control my mind. And will have to do it again. Is this the meds or the topic paper I was working on for the week? That's the question, and I don't have an answer.

Crying

Tears started a few hours ago and they really haven't stopped. I'm not doing well. It could be medication, and it could have been a paper. I was stopped by a cop and almost wanted to say, I've been feeling really bad lately, I was distracted, but I really didn't know that rule of moving over in town. It's got to me. Am I really... no is it really worth living if things go this bad all the time? I'm not playing organ tomorrow because I am not up for it. People will miss it but I'm not in the right state of mind. and so close to end of my semester.... this sucks. and I'm still crying

Paper

The last week I was working on a paper on suicide..... and today, I wrapped a cord around my neck to see how it felt. Then looked up information. I've been out of the psych ward for a week, and the thoughts are back because of what I was studying. I'm very afraid to be alone tomorrow. Scared that I could try it again, for reals this time... also scared that I'd end up back in the psych ward... No one will be around me for much of tomorrow.... I'm scared.

Side effects

Started a new med and I feel nauseous. Oh and its thanksgiving.  What a great combination. I sure hope it gets better soon!

Squirrel

I've been on a new med. Now its hard to stay focused. And it tends to create a headache. Not sure what to do.... and I have a 10 page paper to write. ....

Annoying

My downstairs neighbor is playing guitar. .... and its almost midnight and I'm so not patient. Partly due to all the activity in my brain from a meditation change. ..... oh good it stopped.

What's it like surviving..... post on PsychCentral.com

Over the past week I have had some issues. Just as I am about to gather stuff, I suddenly have this taste for what if I failed a suicide attempt. There's a post on PsychCentral that illustrates what it is like to survive after a suicide attempt. It's a good thing for those of us considering suicide to think about the impact after a fail of that nature.

There's another thing that I worry about is the fact that I'm not as depressed but slightly happy, which is another read flag. I know that I have to seek out talking to another. I just have to, even if I don't want to. I have to talk to someone that is safe. Which means someone outside of my living situation. I should just call the crisis line and talk with my T but I really don't want to. This is a hard spot to be in, and I hate it.

Put on a smile....

I went out and was around a bunch of people, yet I still feel like I'm lying when I talk with others. I had to purposely smile. and if you haven't done that it takes a lot of energy out of you. Leaving you with still wanting to die. I still haven't talked to anyone about it. Just keep trying to continue. Saw the instructor of the class that the poem came from, and ended up in tears. After that it was an increased effort to put it behind me.. which didn't work. I just hope that.... something changes quickly. Especaily when driving is getting harder to do without wanting to end up..... It would be easy, but then a post comes to mind of what it's like after a suicide attempt. That makes things harder. But still I put a smile upon my face even though I feel like crap.  I don't like lying to others but how many know what NOT to say. I don't like putting on a smile when there's so much grief.

Free Falling

I was in a religion class and we where challenged to write our own lyrics for a song. Here's what came to mind.

Am I a child of God?
Why has He left me?
I know He has given me my life,
but why do I feel so alone?

Am I a child of God?
Why do I want to die?
Is this the path to choose?
Who can I, no where can I find help.

I've had a hard week and then I write this! I started to cry and still am. I never intended to write this. and no one knows in real life. I'm close to talking with T but don't to admit that this is getting bad, really quickly. There was a way to communicate with the rest of the class, anonymous. So I shared the first set. I was the only one that felt so alone..... Now I'm faced with a bigger issue. do I try and call my T to see if there is an opening, There's a part of me that says no. There's a part of me that says "don't be an idiot, ask for help"

 I'm sitting at a computer trying to get things out of my head and I keep thinking I need to call the crisis line, but I just don't want to admit to myself that things are bad again. I don't want to talk about any of it. And that's another warning sign for me. I know things are bad, but typing it out is easier than trying to say that I need help. Even if I know that my T would trow a ball (a juggling ball, not hard) at me. Because I know all the warning signs for suicide. But I don't want to admit that things are bad again. Partly because I don't want help. I want to die. I can't keep going like this, and that's the other warning sign. Asking for help is a sign of weakness, and I thought I was past this.  I thought things where going well. But their not and I just am having a hard time accepting this.

I am also studying suicide... which is another trigger for me... what the heck am I going to do???????????????? I can't even trust myself to tell myself the whole truth. How am I going to continue like this??? I hate life right now. and can't even reach out to say hey somethings going on and I need you here, right now.

Can't even figure out what has triggered me so much lately. Please.... thoughts... go far, far away. Then I can get things done.... or is that not going to help... I just don't know anymore.

Probing.

Probing is one thing that I hate... so my doctor says; "what are the suicidal thoughts consist of?" I say, something to the effect of, "I DON"T CARE", he asks again, and I say the same thing... but he doesn't give up, keeps asking, wants to know every detail about every thought... I"'m sorry but that is reserved for my therapist. I have to even explain behavioral chaining, and what thoughts are triggered by suicidal thoughts and self-harm thoughts. He is NEVER satisfied. I reserve that information from one person and one only, it's easier that way. So I don't have to go through that info more than once a week.

Battle Scares by Guy Sebastian and Lupe Fiasco is playing on Pandora.... here's a few lines that fit right now.


"I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

 These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle "


It hits me that I have research to do. and all I keep thinking is of the incident last night. I live with my older sister and she has taken on some annoying characteristics. I asked her to turn of the light.. and she got defensive, that's not the only time that this has happened. I can't take this abuse anymore. I want out. It isn't right to be hurting this bad. Last week I had a memory pop into my head, and it never left. Its irritating, and not leaving quickly. I want to go and visit a school and she said no you can't go... I'm sorry but that's not how it works. You sis, can not control me. Not anymore. I have to confront her but I just can't deal with that and school right now. She doesn't understand that I'm not happy living with her... because I have had a few things fall by the way side and it's leaving me in a bad position.

She views me as BROKEN> I'm NOT broken. She doesn't get it. I have to get out of this life.. and then the suicidal urges/thoughts return and get stronger. I want to set a plan in action to get away from this all. I can't do it anymore. Let me out of here!!!!!! Then I realize I really need to talk to someone... but I don't want to.

I also told Doc that when I get angry that the suicidal thoughts get worse. What I failed to mention was I've been suicidal lately. and I just don't care anymore. Bring it on!!!

Here's a little more on my sister and what happened last night.

My sister is 8 yrs older and treating me like I'm broken. I can't take it anymore, I want an out. I've thought of writing a note to here to address bigger issues, but it also triggers me. I want to run but if I leave know she may judge me. And I'm still in a world of hurt, and trying to cry silently. This is no way to live. I'm not choosing to really live for me, but I make up reasons to live for others. .... which means my own needs are not being met. I wish I could call someone. 

Bad Day... I mean Week

I'm falling fast. Focus is off, I have a test tomorrow and I'm in no condition to take it. or to study... this is bad. I'm very down, not wanting to do anything but curl up and do nothing. which is a problem... I remembered something a few days ago and no it haunts me. I can't escape. Can't even describe what I see, because I don't know for sure... it's fuzzy, I'm not even sure if it's real or not. Or if I'm just planting that inside my head due to some facts that I do know.... ^insert scream here^