Where I want to be

Ever feel like your going nowhere? That's me making wrong choices over and over. I want to be a contributing person in society. Making money, but more importantly helping people!

In order to get there I have lots to do, but at the same time I don't want to. Today I read my step 1 to my counselor, which was scary. She helped by reading it with me. That was about 12 hours ago.

I was thinking how can I share something so personal with someone that broke confidence. I'm scared for that reason. I never told her it hurt me. So that is only hurting me.

Is it me or do I just want to hurt and blame it on others. It being anyone or thing that makes me hurt.

I lay here, all I want is to just not take responsibility. So that my death won't be my fault.

I see the words on the screen, I just don't want to keep doing this game, this life. I'm hurting physically, mentally and spiritually.

The trouble is there is only one perfect death with little pain, and I can't get what I need for it. So I countinue to hurt. That hurt grows everyday. Hurt, decay, and heartache exist and encompass me.

So I reach my breaking point.... What more can I do, what more can I say. Except for I'll sleep tonight and hope the hurt lessens, but it won't!

Going nowhere

I am going nowhere! I was trying to fine my purpose, then I got hit with depression. I have been told to do various things but I'm going nowhere!

Memory

What ever happened yesterday!? I know my parents came and a few other things but what else happened? I have not knowing. I miss my memory. I miss knowing who I am. I feel separate from my old self. Now my head hurts. But I must be strong. Because I am a survivor!

Thoughts from the psych ward

Where am I going? Who am I?

I'm not crazy, yet I'm treated like I can't control my actions.
I'm not my illness.
My illness controls me.
Who am I?
I do not know or understand anymore
Where is the answer as to who I am.

I don't want to face the truth

Red and yellow

Trigger warning!!

Red and yellow chips stare back at me me. Did I really earn them? Was it all a lie?! I may have not acted physically but what about mentally..... Does anyone truly become unaddicted? Truth is no. Addiction is a progressive disease. Is it a disease? Or just a symptom of something else? For me it's that something else. How do I know? I really don't know but it's a feeling.

Through addiction, I have lost my mind. This week it nearly killed me. I wanted to lose control of my car right into a barrier. Glad I didn't but at the same time I know what caused it.

I was talking to some friends in recovery about how angry I am with God. How he let things happen to stir into motion what has happened. What did happen? Is that what you really want to know?

Well since you asked.

He left me! I went on vacation and stopped having time for myself, then had anxiety attacks that got worse from every time, more intense. And then kicked my butt out of college, twice!! I had to fight for my degree. Which I received 18 months after finishing the credits. During one attack he, God showed me things I will not forget or tell. Besides you wouldn't believe me anyway. Now nearly 12 years later, I'm an addict. I'm trying to turn my life around but at the same time splitting inside. I'm literally taking myself and creating different parts and not knowing about each part.

Needless to say I'm miserable.

Wanting to die was Monday and today is Sunday. Almost a week. Now I want to just cry for hours! Well no I don't!

I just want the pain to be over! Is that too hard to ask for??????!!!!! Obviously it is. Pain never ends that fast! No matter how much we want it to end.

What was my point today???

I want..... What do I want??????¿

That's the ultimate question. Right now I don't know what I want! I don't really know what my values are or anything that I want.

Am I already gone?

Do I want to accept what I have been dealt? Am I just scared? Do I need a vacation but can't take one....... Or do I just need time. How do I feel again?

Could this be happening?? and BUGS!!

Two things happening at once, and the start of term. Let me explain....

First of all the last few days I have been battling BUGS!! Real bugs that are annoying and  I have killed everyone that I saw. But in that I see little problems that I have faced and overcome.

Second a boy. who turned into a virtual friend. and then a virtual boyfriend.... I have not met this man. I'm getting anxious to meet him. But we are hours apart.

And the start of term. Am I ready for all this?? Have I overcome enough to start this class or am I still not up to a high enough standard?? Can I learn fast enough. Am I ready to go back to school??

The other thing, is I could be getting married soon. Do I want to plan a wedding at the same time as going to school??

Is this crazy to do all this, when I feel limited in mind due to medications?

Enough questions!!!!!

The bugs have been put to sleep... they shouldn't come in.

Second.... I will know once I meet this man.

Third education is important to me. I need to start today which means turning off the TV and turning up the music.

Last Few Months

Last few months have been Great...

Total sarcasm..

To be serious the last month has been a gigantic pain!!

In December I got a Job... Yea. But my actual starting the job on my own wasn't for quite some time. That new job turned into lots of worry and stress and I am only part time.

So my sex addiction has been interesting, I have used 6 times in 2 months, and in the last month its been 2 days. and they happen to be the last two.

I had worked 21 hours in three days and used it as an excuse... But I did make a choice a long before that that I would because I was afraid, afraid of how my parents would react to me taking the sacrament. so therefore it would be better to wait until they adjusted. HA!! That's what the addict believed in me. The truth is I just never really wanted to talk to them about their behavior regarding my fear. So I didn't and that resulted in a slip.

So now I have learned about myself, and when I procrastinate I mess up, slip up, act out, whatever you want to call it!

Am I done with this acting out cycle...??

That's what one of my "sisters" asked me. Am I done with this addiction? Am I done with it ruining my life?? Can I turn it over to someone else? Do I know how to do that.... Well I didn't know how to walk and I saw that done, and mastered that. I had my falls but I mastered walking to the best of my ability. I can do that here with this sex addiction. If I want to act out or get on and watch pornography,  I can simply just do a pleasurable activity or talk it out like the SAA program says. I was going to share where that is in the Green book but I just don't remember the page number.