To talk, or not

I really hate this.... feeling like I just want to give up on life. I don't want to be around people, or to let them see me like this. Yet at the same time I need to talk to someone... I hate this!!! Why can't things be easier?? I'm not even sure who to turn to, that I would feel comfortable talking to.

Motivation

I never thought of motivation to be a complex system that is hard to understand. But that's what it is, complex. I thought most of my situations where extrinsic, but it's more than that, and it's also based on the agreements that are made even before my own birth. (More details please read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, that being said, that's the book that I am currently reading)

Life is interesting, some days are great and then you have something hit you that shifts your thinking into something greater. Today it was one of those days. (I hope this makes sense) I thought behavior was something that could be changed, It was one of those If A=B, B=C, then A=C. A being Behavior, B being Emotion, and C being Changeable. Meaning that my emotions can be changeable... grr that's not quite right... It was along those lines.

Anyway, I have to change, and the best way is to read "The Four Agreements"
More to come.

When all and said is done

Several things today are bugging me... I slept in until about 1:30 in the afternoon. Which was good, and then the disappointed sister came in saying that I missed church.... what I have to say is this... SO WHAT!!! Sleep was more important... not to mention I just didn't want to go.

Second thing that bugged me was the fact that decorating the tree was always a family thing... this year, I asked if she wanted help, and I got the answer of no back. She did it all, while I sat back and thought of suicide. MMM let's see here, Feeling as if I'm nothing is a pretty strong emotion which just takes over me. I've already had a few hard weeks, and now this. I can't take this any more. The controlling sister is OVER!!!! Yes I"m ticked off, and I wish I had something to smash, just to get her attention. Now I'm tempted to put my tree up in my room to make a statement.

Third thing, I realize I didn't do anything today but, part of it was the whole church issue with my sister, and then add on the Christmas Decor. I'm just not sure how much of this I can take. I want to just run and hide, and then find a better living situation, but the one thing that holds me here is the fact that I know that moving right now is not good finacually for my sister. Yet I sit here and worry about how that would affect her, instead of me....EXTRINSIC. It's not for me anymore. Dieing would be more for me. That way I wouldn't have to put up with all of the medications, and family seeing me as broken. Even right now tears are flowing down my face because of all of this built up emotions that I'm never allowed to show. I have to be the strong on, even when all hell breaks loose.

Fourth and final thing. I feel worthless, always dependent on other people. I've lost the will to try, and most of all, I've lost the will to succeed.


I'm in a support group and one thing that we do is to check in. I'm doing this for me to see how I feel.
Physically~ Sore, my right hip is out, back is a little out of place, wrist hurts, head is throbbing, and feet are tired
Emotionally~ Frustrated with life, scared of the next few hours, Wanting a way out, stressed,
Spiritually~ Out of focus, confused,  scared, wanting a way out

Yet at the end of this day, nothing really helps. I still feel crappy, and hurt, and like yelling everything at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure how much more strong emotions I can take.

Fact: I have been off one medication and it may be affecting me
Fact: Most of what I do is for someone else
Fact: I hate life
Fact: I need help
Fact: I'm Scared
Fact: I need someone to talk to and cry on their shoulder.
Fact: I'm going to sleep crying.

I hate strong emotion.

Slow computer... slow morning

It's nearly noon, and all I have done is miss class, turn in a paper, failed to turn in an assignment that wasn't complete anyway, and just feeling overall down, and cleaned my bathroom. I've wondered if it was because of being off of one medication.... which is one option, or well, there just isn't any or...

I know I have quite a bit to do for a very busy day with a concert, but I also know that I can't practice due to having a concert, which really sucks. I just can't over due things....

Right now all I want to do is just sleep, and disappear. I turned in one assignment that was not really good either. The only thing that I think could help is to exercise but I just don't want to go out into the cold temp of 24 degrees F.

I have quite a bit to do, and no will to do them... this is going to be a problem.... oh wait this is a big problem....

To get out of bed

I normally don't get out of bed in a timely manner. I like to sleep.... but then I get to class late. As it is I didn't do a great job on either assignment. .... just due to depression symptoms.  I normally don't let people know that I am struggling. ... but I think I have to let on instructor know, that and I'm not understanding the material,  and didn't put in enough time. .. I wish I could get myself to focus longer.

Aural skills

I ser the point in aural skills but its more of an external motivation. Its a requirement of my minor. I want to pass the class, but at the same time it doesn't come easily. .. and putting in the time is difficult.

Sore neck

I feel that a top priority for me is to see my chiropractor to realign my back and neck, an intrinsic need. I set the appointment yesterday. ... it can't come soon enough.  I also feel a need to strengthen my wrist, again an intrinsic need. But to do homework that's more extrinsic. Another reason why it's not getting done. "I can accomplish anything. I feel a desire to improve through my studies,  to learn more about music, which means I will understand and finish my assignments before they are due  (at least 12 hours prior)" (a power statement by me)

Study habits

Right now, studying depends on feeling the need to learn. Which is based on external views, such as grades, instead of the joy of learning, which is internal. The desire to get out off bed needs to be internal or I'll "may have wish (that I) had started today. " (Karen Lamb) in order to be lessed depressed I have to start by doing something different even if it doesn't make any sense.

Movie or music

Well the movie makes me feel good but there isn't a good thing that comes of the time. Music should be intrinsic but today it seems extrinsic. ..... or I try both at the same time, which decreases the effect of both. I do know that my grade depends on the time and effort I put in which means it needs to be intrinsic. Okay part of this is withdrawal of one medication, which means exercise will help.

...... example one

I just caught myself looking at the stats for my blog.... meaning an external motivation. Instead, I am writing this out to figure out myself, to fully understand the why behind what I do.

I'm also thinking of the motivation of why I chose to exercise which seems to be different for every time.... instead of something stable, and for me, that improves my mood.

Locus of Control

Over the next week, I want to discover the WHY behind the behavior of myself. Lately I have left it up to chance, and that just has left me with more suicidal thoughts, and it's just not working for me. Through out the day I will check in here and discuss what I'm doing and why, according to these words bellow. Should be interesting...and insightful over the next week.

For example, Music for the sack of performance, I normally have left it up to chance, instead of effort. For today, How much effort I put in depends on whither I want to put the time in, or if it's for the sake of performance. It's based on how much I value the final product and the lessons learned.

Taken from: 

https://www.boundless.com/psychology/personality/social-cognitive-perspective/the-difference-between-an-internal-and-external-locus-of-control/

Alone

I feel so alone, once again my sister won't go to an event of mine,  I feel like she doesn't care about me and my talent and cares more about it being boring and not enjoyable. Its like denying who I am. I've done things for her.... why can't she see how much I need help.  I'm stubborn and I just don't want to admit to how bad things are getting. Talking is hard, but keeping this all in could make recovery longer. Is this from being off one medication, or do my meds need to be changed, somehow? Or am I strong enough to get past this?  I just don't know, but at least I am getting it out of me.

Trouble

Over the last week, I've said that I'm fine but I'm not. I want to appear strong, but that would be a lie. I'm doing all I can but its not good we enough. Yet every thought brings sadness, I can't work, can't practice piano, limited clarinet practice time, not understanding secondary functions, ear training is hard when everything sounds the same. There's more bad then good. I keep switching things from letters, notes on the staff, to concepts. Is there something out there that can stop these thoughts?
                 Who can I turn to tonight?  My doc doesn't have hours tomorrow. ... I need to sleep. ... I need someone to get out of my head, to leave my thoughts,  leave my mind. Will reading help? Will that voice just leave tonight and never return? This must sound weird, but its the truth.

Hidden

I was talking to my counselor today, and I just couldn't talk about what was going on in my head, but I did have some distractions...... I had my Learning and Behavior book with me, and he just loved looking at it, but I also know that I have not learned the information for the test well enough. Then I did mention that I had been suicidal today, but was able to deflect away from that. Then as the session was over, he made me promise that if something would happen that I would call, after 3 times without eye contact, he got what reassurance that he needed. Not to mention the fact that I was doing my best to put on a brave face. Partly due to the test that I need to take that I'm not ready for.

I hear everyone around me talking, and all I can do is just want to remain hidden, partly forgotten. I know I have class and I'll go no matter what, and then I'll study another class while listening to the performances. (music minor) I have much to do, so I just use a shield of vulnerability and try and numb out....

Overcoming hopelessness - Nick Vujicic at TEDxNoviSad

Nick shares some very important things, being born without limbs, but he found hope, to help others. Hugs are always possible. I do have to put a warning on about half way through, but it is all about hope, and what life is about. 

http://www.youtube.com/v/6P2nPI6CTlc?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=YAuM0cA7OySIopdrqcdZDQ&autoplay=1&feature=share&showinfo=1&autohide=1

Try

I have a test to take, and to prepare for, but my  mind is in other places besides my studies.

Special day
It's 11:10 on 11/12/13
Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know
It could be a very special day
A day without pain
But pain is all I have
And the emptiness inside
 I see people who I know, and yet I want to just disappear.
I just wish someone could take the pain away.


I normally don't write poetry, but this fits today...
I hope with letting this out that I can study.

Scream 2

I need someone to help me. I don't like social situations, tonight brought on a lot of fear to be around people. I haven't felt this in a few months. I want to just hide from everything. ... but that's not possible. Talking may help, but all I want is to hide and stay alone. Which I know is a red flag and as my safety plan says I need to keep living and do something from my list. I will sleep tonight and find one person to talk to and try and play one of my instruments. I will stay safe and then call my doc on Monday, if I can't lessen the thoughts and intense feelings of escape.

Tests

Got done with one test and I know I did poorly. I need to find a way to improve for the next test. And then someone asks a question about my cast.... which just annoys me. And also interrupts my thoughts.  For the test I mixed up some things.... which didn't help, rhythm was off. If I didn't have to sing then it would be easier.

Inspiration

Recently I saw a  video about an injured veterans who gave up on life. He gained 100 pounds, and used supporters to stand. He couldn't walk and was told that he would never be able to run. He found someone that believed in him. After 10 months of yoga he lost the weight and is now able to run. I hope that I can be an inspiration to one person, because anything is possible with the right influence.

Grrrrrrrr

Why do I have to ... it seems like I have to be strong for everyone around me. Why is that? Why is it that social situations are so tasking and I just feel so alone? Where is that one person that I feel comfortable talking to? Where I can say anything and they don't judge me or say that I screwed up. One that will do what ever I need. I used to be able to talk to others but now it's just awkward. When am I going to dare greatly?