When all and said is done

Several things today are bugging me... I slept in until about 1:30 in the afternoon. Which was good, and then the disappointed sister came in saying that I missed church.... what I have to say is this... SO WHAT!!! Sleep was more important... not to mention I just didn't want to go.

Second thing that bugged me was the fact that decorating the tree was always a family thing... this year, I asked if she wanted help, and I got the answer of no back. She did it all, while I sat back and thought of suicide. MMM let's see here, Feeling as if I'm nothing is a pretty strong emotion which just takes over me. I've already had a few hard weeks, and now this. I can't take this any more. The controlling sister is OVER!!!! Yes I"m ticked off, and I wish I had something to smash, just to get her attention. Now I'm tempted to put my tree up in my room to make a statement.

Third thing, I realize I didn't do anything today but, part of it was the whole church issue with my sister, and then add on the Christmas Decor. I'm just not sure how much of this I can take. I want to just run and hide, and then find a better living situation, but the one thing that holds me here is the fact that I know that moving right now is not good finacually for my sister. Yet I sit here and worry about how that would affect her, instead of me....EXTRINSIC. It's not for me anymore. Dieing would be more for me. That way I wouldn't have to put up with all of the medications, and family seeing me as broken. Even right now tears are flowing down my face because of all of this built up emotions that I'm never allowed to show. I have to be the strong on, even when all hell breaks loose.

Fourth and final thing. I feel worthless, always dependent on other people. I've lost the will to try, and most of all, I've lost the will to succeed.


I'm in a support group and one thing that we do is to check in. I'm doing this for me to see how I feel.
Physically~ Sore, my right hip is out, back is a little out of place, wrist hurts, head is throbbing, and feet are tired
Emotionally~ Frustrated with life, scared of the next few hours, Wanting a way out, stressed,
Spiritually~ Out of focus, confused,  scared, wanting a way out

Yet at the end of this day, nothing really helps. I still feel crappy, and hurt, and like yelling everything at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure how much more strong emotions I can take.

Fact: I have been off one medication and it may be affecting me
Fact: Most of what I do is for someone else
Fact: I hate life
Fact: I need help
Fact: I'm Scared
Fact: I need someone to talk to and cry on their shoulder.
Fact: I'm going to sleep crying.

I hate strong emotion.