WHY?!

I feel like I have a million things to do, and no desire, no will, no motivation to do them. Partly because of addiction, and partly due to the list that keeps staying the same.

I had a frustrating group meeting where no one was communicating. I tried to lead and that wasn't working. Then another group member took over, and I felt worthless. Will I ever be a leader, will people listen to me, will I feel like I can come out of my family's hole, will I ever feel strong enough to be one my own, and not be afraid??? Will I be social enough to find a spouse?

Then I hear others saying, well then give it a shot and do something about it. Be bold, and willing to do anything, even if you fail. Then the other me comes out and says no don't do that, it's not worth it to do that, it's easier to be in someone's shadow, and it's not as anxiety provoking.

With this type of thought process, its' no wonder why I have depression.

Then my screen goes white and I'm not sure why it keeps doing that?! Then I highlight it and it comes to life again.

Besides that I have taken only one trip on my own, except for when driving back and forth from university. Normally someone is with me. I have taken one trip that I was the driver for and one trip with another friend without having to drive. Other than that, I don't take trips alone.

It seems like someone around me has to dictate if I go on a trip, I just don't plan. My motivations to do things has been falling because I feel not in control of my life. No wonder why I feel depressed. I have to make a stand sometimes or I'll continue to feel this same way, day after day, after day. But the question is how?

When I feel helpless, I shut down. I know that about me, and it's hard to reengage after a set back or a positive one (a bit of a pause between things). The other thing, is I just can't get up and out of bed because I don't want to feel like I have to do what is expected of me. I want to be free to be me, and not have to worry about what others' think. I hate it, and I wish I could change ... I wish I could just through out the worry behind what others' think. I hate it and I know it needs to change, but I let it happen.

That's it, I let it happen. Again, I'm thinking of the song "Let it go" from Frozen, I feel sheltered, protected, from myself. I want to be able to just let it go, and not worry about other people. And then the worries come, but at least I know what they are from... finally.

Rant on healthcare in the United States

The new and "unimproved" healthcare in the US, is absolutely GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED. Insurance companies lose the right to change the plan, and it's so ridged that the plan doesn't change. I honestly HATE Obama Care, It's a waste of time and laws. My morning consisted of trying to figure out my health insurance. The one that I got through the health insurance exchange had FALSE information on the insurance. I had to cancel the policy in order to get the right plan.

My advice, never go through the exchange. Find an independent company that will have the authority to change things as needed, if it arises.

On to something else, I wont have insurance for 17 days in March..... I sure hope I can return to work soon!!!

Not wanting to.....

Of the list that I mentioned, here's what I have done today

Practice as much as I can given my hand
2 hour informational meeting about organ


That's it...... so now that it's almost 10pm on Saturday night.


I haven't wanted to do much today, and I am beating myself up about it.


I also missed my meds this morning, which has lead to many thoughts...... of unwanted origin.


And then my computer does this weird thing where it blacks out what I've written and my other tools to write the post.


I have this amazing opportunity but feeling the way I feel makes me not want to take this opportunity. Because of the lack of stuff that I got done today. I know I should feel somewhat accomplished by getting two items off my list but it just makes me feel worse.

I should do this, or that.... why does there have to be such a stigma associated with......

Now that it's midnight... I got a bit more done....a small amount but now it's time for bed. I feel like crap. I just don't want to sleep, yet my body is saying that I need to. The only thing that I can think of is just to read a good book, and hope that it helps.

Too Much to do... and not much will to do it

I have so much going on, and it's starting to overwhelm me with everything that I need to get done....

2 counterpoints for music theory
Read 4 chapeters and take notes to learn something
Play with a virtual rat for 2.5 hours
watch 2-4 hours of lectures and take notes
Practice as much as I can given my hand
2 hour informational meeting about organ
Go over some things for MRT
Exercise to help remain in control
Introduction for my research paper
Practice aural skills

mmm am I missing anything.... I sure hope not...besides this

Do a good portion before Monday.... and not go insane...

The right track but......

I told my T about somethings and gave too much detail. I keep seeing the scene in my head, without much relief. I want this part of it to end, I just can't have it playing over, and over, and then bringing in more memories of the past.

For group today, I realized something. My go to emotion when things are strange, crazy, or I just don't want to talk about it, is a roller-coaster.  Which doesn't tell you too much, besides the fact that life is just not going my way.

I want these memories to just disappear so I can study, and actually do something to not get behind. Also, it feels like my head is no longer connected to the rest of me, and it's getting worse. It's times like this that I normally turn to the suicidal thinking. I'm trying not to, but it's always my go to state.... But even though this is all happening, I still have to play through rehearsal.... even if I'm just ghosting due to swelling. I shouldn't  even go because of that fact but I feel like I have to... I really hate this. GRRRR

Stress and Aural Skills

Today in Aural Skills (ear training for musicians), we were trying to go through a few examples and while the example was playing I got really distracted, and frustrated that I was not able to do write down what I was hearing. It was in my head, but I kept hearing the wrong notes. This feeling of frustration does not help when I need to study, it's just the opposite... it makes me want to just do something that I am good at instead of trying to figure out the right notes. Out of the three examples only two of them came together by the end of class.

Valentine's day

I was going to post today but.......