I told my T about somethings and gave too much detail. I keep seeing the scene in my head, without much relief. I want this part of it to end, I just can't have it playing over, and over, and then bringing in more memories of the past.
For group today, I realized something. My go to emotion when things are strange, crazy, or I just don't want to talk about it, is a roller-coaster. Which doesn't tell you too much, besides the fact that life is just not going my way.
I want these memories to just disappear so I can study, and actually do something to not get behind. Also, it feels like my head is no longer connected to the rest of me, and it's getting worse. It's times like this that I normally turn to the suicidal thinking. I'm trying not to, but it's always my go to state.... But even though this is all happening, I still have to play through rehearsal.... even if I'm just ghosting due to swelling. I shouldn't even go because of that fact but I feel like I have to... I really hate this. GRRRR
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