Trigger warning** Suicidal Content
9 years of experience, of harboring suicidal thinking, and fighting that stickn' thinkin'. Today I discovered more about myself, and the horror thoughts that have occurred. As I was talking with my therapist today, he made a great point. Behaviorism is the belief that behavior has a specific purpose. The example he gave was: he had me put my good hand out, I didn't expect anything. Then his hand came down, hard on mine. He then asked if I wanted to put my hand out again, and I said no. Then we discussed the fact that suicide for me became an addiction, and now I'm on an extinction curve. This last bout is due to an extinction burst. It sounds simple, and it is, but it isn't.
Then he brought up a few group members an how much they look up to me because I'm the farthest along, the one that is closest to being whole. And how much it would hurt those in the group. Not to mention those that want me to call if things go south. Honestly that hurt a lot. made me think. I supposedly have all these things that are suppose to stop me, but there's a part of me that wants to ignore that. and He could see that. I had to believe that I was fine, and that I would be there for group on Thursday. It's like ignoring a part of me. I'm always pretending. Okay I need help. I'm not sure I can go bowling. But I have to. But I have homework. But I need help. I can't take this tonight. Why did I continue to watch this episode of Torchwood. Why do I keep doing this to myself. and then I start to scream inside. I should call someone. But I can't. I'm not suppose to be broken. I'm not broken. Then I hear music. and it distracts me for a few seconds. I'm not sure if I can even post this. I have a test to study for, but I just keep going over the session....... People would want a call, I should do something to stop the thoughts, change the behavior, change the situation. actually reach for help. Like I am suppose to. I can't take the guilt, all of that put on one person is just to much. Why did he have to keep going. to keep the guilt trip up. I have things to do and all I have done is watch Torchwood. I should want to go bowling. Yet, at the same time I don't want to. I've thought about seeing my psycho doc but have stopped, because I am suppose to be stronger then this. Then I keep getting chills of who knows what. I'm suppose to be stronger. When I left his office I promised that I would be there on Thursday.WHY??? why does it have to be like this?? I just want to cry, and no one should see me like this. I need to let this go.... FAST. I'm suppose to be stronger then the rest of the group, yet I don't believe it myself. Why is it that I don't believe this? And then suicide gets mentioned. Please let me escape from my mind. I should want to, but interacting with people is so hard.
Should I even post this??
The real answer game a while ago. and I need to just publish it anyway. Then may be I can get some feed back.
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