Guilt, escape, Shame

I said one, what I meant was two. It's a simple concept but then the guilt sets in. I want to just lie to myself, but then I lied in a group. I'm ashamed that it happened. During the check in I didn't look at my therapist but I did look at the wall. At the time I didn't think that I had lied, but guilt set in a little bit later. I wasn't sure what I was feeling until now. 18 hours later. But it's also not fair that my therapist said something that I haven't forgotten. I am the strongest person in the group, and they look up to me. We were talking about what would happen to them if I had committed suicide. It' wasn't right that he put that on me, which also says you can't show weakness.

I hate weakness, asking for help is weakness. Calling a crisis line is weakness. Admitting guilt is weakness. All of these things are weaknesses for me, some are irrational, others are normal.

Then the question is "how strong am I?" I'm attempting to deal with suicides through a research project, I have 5-10 sources to read on how media influences suicide clusters. It's an interesting topic, but I have to ask myself if I am in a crisis, would I call the crisis line? It's hypocritical for me to tell others to call, when I can't call myself. I can't call because, I don't want to interrupt what they are doing, I don't want to show weakness, I don't want to admit that I'm in trouble, I can't stand the fact that I don't know what would happen, and don't want to find out. Yet, I can't get that conversation out of my head. It's getting annoying.  I have a lot to do, and don't need a distraction. I need to read quite a bit, and do a few more things. Yet I can't get this all out of my head. And I want to just not admit that my head is in a different place compared to the rest of me.