After a rough weekend

This week I have Two tests, and both of them will be hard. I should be studying but, its hard to just start studying when my mind is not completely with me. Let me explain what I mean. If you are easily triggered, don't read on. **** Trigger to come ****

This past weekend was one that was very hard. I was trying to study, when the suicidal thoughts came in. It wasn't like it has been in the past, I actually started to plan, and find what could work. I'm not going in to to many details, due to others that could read this. I have thought of the plan multiple times. I know that my safety is an issue right now. I'm doing my best but, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

And then the weekend turns into a week. It's Monday, I should have been working this morning, but had to call to cancel... again.... I hate having to call in, due to the medication that caused dizziness. I have a lot to do, but no real drive to get things done. The other part of this is that suicide is not far from my mind. I still think of death, I still think of pain. It distracts me. I should be studying but, with what's on my mind, it's hard to try and study about abnormal psychology. Especially since I'm so abnormal from the rest. This all adds to the anxiety level, which is high anyway when I am not on the Wellbutrin. It sucks to have high levels of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I see my doc tomorrow, and I see my new therapist tomorrow. It should be interesting. I just hope that the time works out well...... and to have a parking spot. But I do have something to look forward to, and that helps. I will get another notebook for my notes, and I hope I can get some studying done, and remember what I learn.... I hope.