Crazy day

I've had a little trouble with sleep... going to bed at say midnight, then getting up at like 10am. So I'm still up. But that's not the point.

The day started of with trying to get things accomplished, but of course the neighbors loud music came on, and I ended up going to my appointment a half hour early. So I sat in the parking lot working on a paper. Feeling a little suicidal. Then got to my appointment with my therapist and the conversation came to why I was feeling suicidal. What I didn't expect was all of the feelings towards my parents and sister being to controlling. The time soon came to leave, but the suicidal thoughts continued. I got up left, and then started to drive to campus to make it to a performance, but what I wasn't expecting was the overwhelming feelings of suicide. I drove by a trafic accident and wished it was me. When I got to campus I spent time with a friend, trying to distract myself. But in the end missed the performance/studio (a class) since I knew I couldn't think about anything else.

I was right about that. The suicidal thoughts continued, and I slowly started to explain what was going on in my head to a friend. I had to spend the day, trying to get away from all of the thoughts. I'm still not far enough away for my liking.

I'm sure many people would say to go into the mental hospital, but I just can't go back there. For 1 all of my support is on the outside. Support groups and people.

But I do have a lot to deal with tonight. I'm sitting here trying to just get my mind to turn off for even just a minute, but thoughts are racing around and not stopping. I will say this, I'm Scarred to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. It's just too hard to keep up a semi happy face. And that is one thing that I am truly tired of doing.