WHY???

In the past 3 days I have heard about one actual suicide, and one almost attempt. Both have been on my mind, asking myself WHY? In recent weeks I have discovered that for me it all comes down to Agency. The actual suicide was a young man around my age, and the other was a young women who lost 150 pounds. He suffered from depression and finally gave in to his illness. She was on the verge of committing suicide when Chris showed up and changed her life for ever. Two different outcomes for one same problem.

After hearing about his suicide and not knowing him personally, I became very suicidal, but still had to continue to preform on the organ. Which I did but no one knew how much I was hurting, or how much I just wanted to be alone, and rethink things. For me, I've thought about suicide as a way out, but when asked why, I have a harder time answering that question.

I've hunted for an answer as to why? Asked that same question many times. I'm reminded of the whole control issues that have come up, and all I can think of is just wanting a way out of everything. Wanting control, but also not wanting responsibility, feeling like I'm nothing, and not wanting to press forward. I haven't really been talking to too many people lately, and........................................................................................................

WHY??? Why live, why feel anything, why not just give up, why try, why do anything. I have believed all of my life that we have "FREE" agency, and now I start to doubt that we really even have agency. I did what ever I wanted to on that trip, It was for ME!!!! and now 8 years later I am doubting everything!!!!!!!!!!! For one major reason, I have looked for a reason behind the suicidal thoughts and haven't found a reason, so I blamed my parents, and created a delusion. Control was taken from me when I attempted to go to college, when I was suspended for being on the wrong medication. Losing that control that I had because of  what?????????

I'm Very VERY Frustrated right now because I'm slowly starting to see that NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!!!! I don't have much drive towards life anymore, I'm extremely depressed... without any reason to feeling this way, except brain chemistry.

WHY??? Now I am fearful, and not wanting to live. Seeking a way out and away from the future.

I was never the best at anything, always second chair for my section, always thinking that I can't run like others, never pushing myself to do better, to be better, and being told to just do your best, and that's good enough. Never BEING pushed to find a greater potential. Always believing that no matter what I would be loved, and cared for. Always every so often changing my room. Never pushed into doing things that I may not have done. Never knowing who I could be, always starting things and rarely finishing them. Always seeing the worst in different outcomes.

WHY??? Because I knew the truth, that I didn't want a life outside... but outside of what????

I don't know tonight, and I'm more frustrated than  anything right now.

This life doesn't make sense. 8 years ago I started down this path of self-destruction, I stopped writing in a journal, stopped being religious, stopped practicing clarinet 6 days a week, and left a piece of me in Nauvoo. Then almost as if I knew something would happen, September 1 I lost my first job because of losing the lease on the spot that the business occupied. So what happened July 4, 2005, What happened July 6, 2005, What happened September 1, 2005, What happened June 6, 2006, What happened during those days. Now it's almost July 10, 2013, and all I want to do is find a way to make the suicide plan a reality, to escape from all of the pain, from LOSING my first job, first boy friend, first time of having clarity.

In the back ground I have The Fray on and it fits all to well.... I'm trying hard tonight to not lose my head, trying to figure out why I've held on for this long. It's been 8 years of struggle, and I have one degree to show for it, and 4 hospitalizations, and 4 different schools, and many medications later. I have tried to find may way out, and all boxing up all of my emotions and just trying to not be found..... And then the next song comes on, "Enough for now" And that's enough for tonight. I can't handle anything more than this right now.

Trying not to lose my head 

 But I have never been this scared before 

Tell you what I'll do instead 

Lay my body down on the floor 

To forget what I've done 

Silhouette 'til the good lord come
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own  

Boxing up everything, you've got  

All you ever knew of home  

You're scared, scared to see 

Your mother there in the door 

You wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends  

Or have we just begun  

To kiss away the difference? 

I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound 

And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends Or have we just begun To kiss away the difference? I know you hate this one  [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/where-the-story-ends-lyrics-fray.html ]