Therapy Session day

Today I have a session, and I need to come up with what I want to talk about now. The hard part is I'm at a stalemate. I have added exercise (three times a week) and that seems to help. I also practiced my instrument for the first time in several months, and it felt good. But I'm worried, that I'll fall back in to the trap of some of the not so good things that I have done. I'm scared to try and face these not so good things. I've been told to address the inflexible thinking that I some times have, the thing is part of that way of thinking has saved me with a few things. I'm scared to change that, because I've already thought about cutting, and that's the one area that makes it very difficult. I've made the choose not to cut, but it's almost to tempting. I'm trying to deal with this on my own, but being told to many different things. First my doc doesn't think I can do this/doesn't know that I'm attempting this on my own. Two my therapist doesn't know how to help, and I don't know what to do exactly. Three between the meds and all other things that I'm doing just doesn't seem like it is enough.
      So what do I talk about with this session?? Do I do what my doc wants me to figure out?? Do I attempt to figure this out, on my own? Oh wait that's exactly what I'm doing. I have to figure it out first before I can tell another. If I can't figure it out then I'm at a stalemate with any other person because I can't figure it out. Yes some times it is easier to talk it out, but for me putting things into words is extremely difficult. It may not seem like it but some times posting takes quite a bit of time to figure out what to write about.

The question still remains, what do I talk about, What do I want help with to figure out additional ways to help myself? What do I need to change? Doc says the rigid thinking, and anything associated with the SUI and SI urges. I think that there is a lot more that meets the eye; the only issues is how much more. Maybe I should make a list of things I feel like I need to work on.

Usage of time adding to the addictions (to watching t.v., to the si behavior, to the sui thinking, to the fact of laziness)
SI, SUI behavior that is attached to the thinking
All or nothing thinking
Not wanting to change, but feeling like I have to
The thinking that I'm changing only enough to get a degree
Knowing that I want the degree more than anything else, and not being able to get it
Feeling like I have to do what others are doing around me

What's the most important one to work on.... their all important, but the degree issues are ones that are hard for me to deal with on my own. I feel as if I'm changing for the wrong reasons. I want the degree, and what stands in my way is the letters that I need to get the degree, and that requires change, which is not happening as fast as I want. I feel like I have to trick people in to writing the letters so I can move on, but that's not going to help the course I have to do. I have to do a lot to get the degree that I've worked so hard to get. I hate this. Not getting my degree is not an option. And yet it seems so far away.

Yes this is what I need to work on, and see if there are other things to do to not have so much guilt with this. I know the cause of this, I just have to convince myself to change for the RIGHT reason, and not just to get the letters and then deal with things later. and part of this is the all or nothing thinking. Either I do well, or not, there is no gray spots. I know the thinking is wrong, but I don't know how to become flexible with this, and this means life. I can do this, I can change, I can become flexible, I know who I was before all of these thoughts, and I know what to do to help the anxiety to lessen. I just don't know how to get the letters to move on. And that is where I start in a few hours. I start with the letters, and the need for them and hopefully I can get one of them written soon, but for the right reason.