Double Edged Sword

I've had to take control over my meds, and well instead of sui, si, and the flashes, I get anxiety. But what's worse, anxiety or sui thoughts?? I'd take the constant anxiety over the sui. Sui thoughts take a lot out of you, and I was getting to close to have to go back to the mental hospital, and I just can't afford it. (either with money, or with time away from school. I'm taking some hard classes, and honestly I"m not getting everything. This weekend I broke down because of all the sui thoughts, I just can't take school right now and those thoughts. But what more can I do, but to back of on the meds, and then just talk with the doc about it later. The only question is what do I do until I can see him??? I've got homework to distract myself but, it's just not enough. Distractions don't help, the thoughts and images still come. Even as I'm typing this. I am quite scared right now, I'm scared to be alone right now, or drive. and yet at the same time, I don't want help.

My life seems to be like a double edged sword. Either I deal with all of the thoughts and feelings or I don't. Either way, its still hard. I haven't been in this position in several months, and I was okay with the feelings disappearing. I just hate the fact that they have reappeared, and dealing with them and school, is very difficult. I need help, I need someone to really talk to. I need to stop lying about how I'm really doing. I lie every time someone asks me "How are you?" And I say fine, or good, but other than that, I never say how I really am doing. For once I want to tell the truth, For once I want to be just fine, and not having to deal with these thoughts.

I've got to find myself, and find a better way to handle these thoughts, Is there such a way? Is there something I can do to help myself? Is there some sort of action that could help? Is there anything that I can do to ease the thoughts, without the pain?

I don't know what to do, except ignore the thoughts, or totally embrace them and hurt because of them. But I do have a lot to do today, but I just don't want to even try anymore. I'm almost to the point of giving up. Is there anyone out there that can help? I guess I'm getting way to close to the dark side. and I'm scared.