It's almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but my mind is going a million miles an hour, and that just doesn't work to try and sleep. I was fine for most of Christmas eve, up until the last 4 hours. I keep replaying parts of 2008 hospitalization and the one the first of this year. Mixing them together. It's put me on edge. I don't know how much longer of this and the sui and si thoughts I can take. There's lots of snow and ice around town ( more on the streets that don't get traveled on) and I part of the time I think about just sliding, forcing my car to slide... It's almost a conditioned response. I'm scared to drive some times. I'm trying to force myself to overcome them on my own, but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. SI is the only way out. I"ll try and play one of my instruments tomorrow, and hope that that helps. I'm going to try Dialectical Behavior Therapy (from here on out called DBT), I'm hoping it will help. I am going to try and start tomorrow, when I get a few minutes to myself. I have to do something to try and help, and I just don't know anyone that does DBT in my area. I wish I did. But that may not help in enough time.... Time will only tell what happens in the next week.
In the past 2 days, I have tried to make my life how it would be in the hospital, to try and see if that would help. I just hope that I can keep all of this in my mind and not in the real world. I just don't want to many people to know/be concerned about me. I just can't take those two things. Enough people know, and that's all I want to know. Which I know isn't smart at all. and I hate keeping things from my family, but I feel like I have too. No matter how hard things get, I've always found a way through it. But this time, since the thoughts have been for more than 2 weeks. That's what makes me scared.... Petrified really. Since I'm not telling even my treatment team of what is really going on.... Which is not smart...
Just to clarify.......
For anyone who is attempting, thinking or planing, of suicide. It is not the answer, You know who you are and how strong you are. If you need hospitalization then get yourself help. I'm one to say this, and yet I'm not doing it myself, but I know that I'm not quite to that part of needing that extra help. You know yourself better than anyone, but, if you need to, go and get help.
I know the past few weeks have not been easy, but I have gotten through them. Yes I have had several times, where hospitalization would have helped, but I felt needed, and had to fulfill obligations and I choose to be there for my family. Now I just hope they will be there for me, even around Christmas, which could make it hard for years to come... but I have to do what's best for me... I'll keep posting as I need to, just to get things where I can physically see them.
No comments:
Post a Comment