There is a series of words that I don't want to hear, but I'm afraid I will hear them tomorrow. I'm scared that I will hear them. I got my results back from my finals, and one I was not even expecting. I was doing well in Physics, and now I looked at my grade, and it was half what I had all semester. I emailed my instructor to find out if that is the correct grade, or if it had been entered in wrong. I'll find out soon, I hope....
Besides that, I think my mental state interfered with my finals, and I could have done better, had my mind been in the right state. I see the facts, I know what's wrong, but I just can't have another Hospital admission around Christmas. (I had one back in 2008 from the 21-24) I just can't be away from family this time of year. I know I need help, I'm scared, and I just don't want to hear the words, of yet another hospital admission. The simple fact is, my thoughts are not safe anymore. I'm doing my best to keep safe, but doing so requires the use of SI to just get through the day.
It's the 18th, I really want to be able to be at home for this week, but I also know that safety is a concern for those who know about the thoughts. It's a concern for me, and a burden. Life is hard when you have thoughts of suicide, very hard. Between staying safe, and attempting to fool everyone around me, it's a full time job to just stay safe, and somewhat mentally stable. And somewhat mentally stable is not really happening. I'm doing all that I can, and it's never really enough. But this time of year, I have to make it enough.... somehow. I just don't want to hear those words.
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