Half Hour

I've looked at this screen for a half hour, and I still don't even know where to begin. I'm scared, really scared. I was on my way home today, from the gym, and almost crashed into the hill and a sign post. I don't know what I can do. I have to be to work tomorrow, but after that, I don't have anything for a week that I have to be too. No obligations, except being around family on Christmas, but what if I can't enjoy being around them, and no one in my family knows what really is going on. Three years ago, I was in a mental hospital from the 21-24, and my mind keeps reverting back to that hospitalization and the one I had 11 months ago, about this time of month. Flashes of memories, and what it could be like for a third admission. And I'm very scared that keeping myself from there, could lead to something else, that would instantly keep me away from my obligations. Surely another could be there for my sister, but then she would be worrying about me. I really don't know what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, because it was very close to happening today. I have felt like this before, I can get through this again, but at what cost. I'm really scared, of the future, and what it might bring, that even that fact is tearing me apart. I keep faking and telling people that I'm fine, but the honest truth is, I'm a long ways from fine.