Late night

I'm not sure I want to sleep tonight... I just feel like crap. I was working very hard for 8 hours to hide how I was feeling. Honestly, I wanted to just escape into addiction. Things have been bad lately due to it being 10 years from the first suicidal episode. It's been 10 freaking years of all this crap and I'm just tired of it all!!! Yet I'm trying to work hard to change but it's not working. So how can I fix this?? That's the big question, one that I don't have an answer yet. But I think it comes down to actually trying to live, instead of wanting to die.... I just wish that I could be off medication for a little bit to see how I do... I'm curious what I am without them... maybe my doc and therapist will sign off on it if I change and just get stuff done. Without complaining to them.... I just wish that I was off medication, it's just not helping anymore... making it worse really.