Focus...

Is there such thing as focus today for me. I know I have to see pdoc today, and ask him to write a letter of recommendation to get my associate's finally. But still, where is my focus, I have things I need to study, and no will to study them. All I want to do is just type. I did get my homework done that is due today, but I have a lab report that I need to do, and read for physics, but I still can't focus. It's almost as if I need to do something drastic to get my focus back, but I don't want to do that, I want to just be able to focus. I want someone to talk to about this, even if they don't understand.

In the past few days I've noticed things that are scaring me. I've zoned out a few times, and I in order to bring the connection back, I have to focus on something that I'm doing to get out of that state. It's concerning. I don't know what it is, and I'm scared. There I said it. I'm scared that it's something that is going to continue. And the pain that comes from that disconnection is quite painful. Is there something out there that can help to not let that "zoning out" to happen. Not to mention my cognitive side is a little slow today. (and sometimes feels like it's slowed down, and everything is going in slow motion. Is this all connected? Is there something I can do besides trying to ground myself?

Can I just get my paper done, and some studying done too? PLEASE!!

I got part of it done, but I just don't want to study. I feel like something is wrong. I need someone to talk to about all of this, in person. The only question is who.... I have one in mind, after my appointment I may just call him and ask him to go for a walk, just to talk, since I don't like talking on the phone about these things. The zoning out is taking it's toll on me. I'm frustrated and almost want to start the "normal" si method. Only to make it easier to talk about, the method I use is not one that to many people would want to talk about. And it's not really a method according to my pdoc. I hate it. I'm scared. I just don't know who to turn to right now, besides this blog, to try and get the words out.... but words are hard.... music is easier... but still hard. Do I change methods, or do I just try and end the si?

The other thing with all of this, is I don't have money to spend on any therapy sessions, and I need someone. Right now trying to do this on my own is extremely hard, and I..... exercise helps... music helps... but there is still something that is still making my life extremely hard. The simple fact of the si has not lessened.... and I want control....... I'm also self-destructive. which doesn't help at all..... what to do, what to do........ must study.... must write lab.......... AGGGGGG