It's been a few months since I last posted, and today I just need to vent, get a few things off my mind so I can really study.
I have a test to take tomorrow, and I'm not ready yet. I've been trying to study for the last hour and a half, and it's not working. I have a quiz tomorrow at 11, and you think that would motivate me...
It's not!!
I've looked online about suicide, hope, and cutting. This works some of the time, but not today.
Therapy this week has included talking about some of my beliefs and what I want out of life. I said that I want to compose, but I'm not doing anything to get closer to that, not even writing melodies out, at least I'm playing. I want to have a family but if you take out the y and the m, you get fail. Funny how that one happens. I'm afraid that I'll have a son that will commit suicide, or have some other issue with mental health. For that reason I'm Failing at looking for a husband.
With all that in my mind studying is very difficult. I just want to curl up and just hug a pillow. But instead I have forced myself to leave my home and try and study in the library in town. So far, studying hasn't even started, and yet I have a test, quiz and an assignment all due by Monday.
My mind is stuck, and nothing is helping, I have music playing in the background to see if that will distract half of myself away from suicide.
Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts, have thought of many plans, but none that are specific enough to complete the act. I want that, but half of me says it's not the answer. Honestly I really hate that other half.
If your still reading this, I promise to go to group later today, and go out to dinner with my sister. I'll choose to live for a few more hours. Don't worry I'll post later tonight.
I promise to study for my test, and to say what emotions I'm feeling now.
Emotions: Fear, Hopeless, Depressed, Anxious, Anger, Guilt.
and Mental Pain.
Is there hope?? Only one, Hope of good grades with all that is going on. It's something at least.
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