I was playing racquetball yesterday, and took a ball to my bottom jaw. The pain felt really, really good. Enough that I continued to play because I liked the pain, and I felt a bit dizzy. I was actually hoping it was broken. I was hoping to at least bruise. The absolute truth is I want something I can't have, or if I did try, who knows whether I would succeed.
I wanted that pain, It's better than remembering and having to deal with all things related to my past. I don't want to do much right now, and yet I'm going to have to force myself to do something. Some days force is the only way to get through the day.
Emotions: frustration, anger, depression, lack of will.
Physically: pain in face, tired
Spiritually: Lost
All I want right now, is just to remain alone. But I'll end up forcing myself to at least go to a Dual Diagnosis group. It's my strongest thing.... to just force myself to do things, no matter how much I want something else.
***Forcing yourself to do things is extremely difficult, going to groups that help in recovery can be the best thing you do in a day. ***
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