Logic, Emotional, or Both. I'll Try

Just met with my doc, and he spent time trying to figure me out.... trying to put the two sides together. and by two sides I mean, logic and emotional... the only issue is I can't seem to get past that wall between the two. I try, but I'm Blocked, every time I try. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk with, because of that division.

The other thing he said was control is really just an illusion. I'm not so sure on that part, the follow up question is why do I want control so bad? Is there a way to get away from having to feel like control is the only thing that would help.

Who I am.  

Nothing makes sense.  

Nothing makes sense anymore. 

Nothing is right. 

Nothing is right when you're gone. 

Losing my breath. 

Losing my right to be wrong. 

I'm frightened to death. 

I'm frightened that I won't be strong.

Thank you Nick Jonas, this is exactly how I feel right now. I just want "someone to love me,  for who I am."

 

I'm trying to integrate both sides of me, but it's difficult. I'm not sure how, or if I'll become "frightened to dealth.... that I won't be strong." enough to handle this integration process. 

Emotional side.

I'm scared, scared that I'll do something stupid like looking at suicidal pictures, or plans. I'm scared to try and integrate the logic into me, because what if it doesn't make any sense. What then???

 I am feeling like I can't trust anyone with the real truth, or at least let people in. The more I talk with people the more confused I become.

This song is how I feel, (I'll try by Jonatha Brooke)

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.

 

I am an adult and I can make choices either to take care of myself, or not. I feel as if I have to remain strong for those around me, and never let them see how bad this pain is, the pain to integrate both logic and emotional. I am too tired now to listen to some of the things people say, for example "control is an illusion."

 

 My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting,
But I cant stay and watch the city burn;
Watch it burn.
 

My world is changing to quickly now, and it's hard to see what can happen, so I just let things continue, "watch it burn." That's my choice, to just leave things be, to just let the darker thoughts simply fall right off of me. 

 To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things I fear,
 

The distance between Logic and Emotion, I know try to shrink the distance, and start to integrate both sides of me. 

 So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see!
I'll try.

 

I'll try but people have to realize what this all feels like. It reminds me of anther song. One on High School Musical 3. Scream

The day a door is closed,
The echo's fill your soul.
They wont say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge,
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'

I know they've got a plan,
but the ball's in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm driving, fightin', inside a,

world thats upside down,
And spinning faster
What do I do now? without you!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through 'em all!
I'm punchin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I can't tell,

I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

 

I don't know what my dream is yet, but I'll find my way, I'll try, before I want to  scream one more time. But I know for a fact that his path is difficult, but not impossible. I'm now going my own way, Just need to find what my own way is, and how to get to that point. 

I release myself from my past, so I can find my own way, one day at a time.