Stress

We all have stress.... some more than others.... and then there are those that feel others' stress... people like me. When I'm around others that have stress, I can feel it. Which also increases my stress level. I hate finals week and mid-terms for this reason. I hate being around other people who are stressed out.

I thought this post was going to be about that, but it's not.... I've felt numb because of the pain that I have been experiencing. Enough to not want to go into the doctor to make sure it isn't serious. Well, anyway I went in, and it caused me to want to say, hey I like the pain, what happens if I let the pain stay around... but I didn't I had some sort of resistance. But tonight, I'm sitting here with a lot of pain and just wanting more pain, because then my life would be ending... I just want out. Not sure what from or really anything more than that. I just know I hate my life right now. From the controlling family to the feelings of wanting pain and the thoughts of trying to get away from the controlling influences that are all around me.  I just want to be allowed to do things... like stay home from church just because I want to... without the judgmental sister asking why.

I have hopes and dreams but right now, I don't remember them, or even want to try and achieve them. Things like hobbies don't interest me anymore. Getting out of bed at a reasonable time doesn't happen anymore. Full conversations with my sister don't happen anymore. Partly due to her believing she doesn't have time for anything, yet she proves to me that she has the time, EVERYDAY!!! and doesn't do her side of this living configuration. It seems to me like part of my living with her is to take care of the apartment. This is not what life should be about. And then people ask me why I have been suicidal... DO you actually agree.... Not having control and not feeling like you have control really SUCKS!!!! Having a group of people say this is how to live doesn't help. Feeling sick doesn't help!!!! Wanting pain, physical pain, is only a small part of wanting the mental pain to just go away. I'm tired of this life, and there's nothing I can do to change this right now. I can't get myself 24 hour a day help, because I have other things going on that I have to be around for, because it seems like I have no CHOICE!!!!

If there is any reaction for any person that reads this, please post a comment. Suggestions are gladly taken at this point. It will show that someone out there actually cares.