Assignment

I received an assignment to put some time into how I look. And it's been a harder task emotionally than what I was hoping for. It may be easy for some but for me it's a challenge.

I was taught all my life that makeup was War Paint, and that I should never put it on. The assignment is to challenge that core believe and find a look that works for me, that helps to end that core believe. So in preparation I have liked eye shadow, but it never really stays on, and therefore I just haven't put it on every day. And also my job doesn't help with that one... odd hours at the crack of Dawn. For tomorrow the assignment is simple, try makeup and leave my hair down and do something with it.

It's simple for some girls but for me, it's like I'm going into battle, hence the war paint comment. I've always had the belief that makeup is for those that need it, and that natural beauty doesn't really need it... meaning, I don't need it, and should never try it. When I was in High School, I thought about trying it but never knew where to look, or what to buy. In an off track semester I had asked a friend to come with me to buy makeup... and the next day I returned the foundation, and a few other things. In the next few months after that, I had a roommate that let me try mascara. And I'll admit that I did like it, but never gave myself permission to wear it often (Special days only). In months after that (okay 3 years after), I have found eye shadow but it never really stayed on, so I just haven't used it. Now, I have looked up videos on youtube to see how to apply. Tomorrow morning I will try and see if I can make it look good.

But at the same time, I'm fighting myself because of what I heard from my father about his experience in makeup before a theater Performance, (the cake it on type). My mom only wore lipstick and never really got into much more than that. My sister has tried makeup on but hasn't done it again... I think it's because of that one experience of my father's that no one really wore it on a daily basis.

I applied makeup when I got home, and bought a little bit. Once I got back from my errands, I washed it off... partly due to seeing a look in my sister's eye of disapproval.  There I said it... it's all in the way my family looks at each other when makeup is applied... due to one time...




Now after years of disapproval from my father, I'm going to try and put makeup on.... and honestly emotionally I just want to reach for my addiction.. and other maladaptive coping skills. It's just overwhelming.

And at the same time I'm feeling fear of what if it doesn't look good, and what if my sister notices and has that look of disapproval. And then do I just wash it off afterwords so she doesn't see.

It's times like this that I wished that I lived on my own away from family and close friends.

All I can do is just blog and talk with others and give it a try.   Now the other question... when do I want to cut my hair.... choices choices.