Honesty

This is far over due... being honest with myself. I have an addiction. I want to relapse, and then I do and I don't feel any different... just in pain. It does nothing for me anymore, yet as with any addiction, I want it more and more.

I was angry at myself for acting out on a coworker. I just can't stand all of her crap, and all of her talking about nothing, and knowing not to many are listening in a van full. I hid her 12x12 container in the back and then at a rest stop placed a piece of paper that stated this, "Please, either leave it at home if you are not going to use it, or use a smaller container, Thanks" (It's close to that anyway) I thought please and thank you would be enough to do it in a kind manner... well that play backfired. My coworker has been trying to find out who it was, and I just kept my mouth shut. Earlier she had been asked to put it in the back, while we all knew that most of us would sleep. She failed to do that. So I took matters into my own hand and hid it from her and placed that note in there.  Now I feel like I have to either keep my mouth shut, or talk to her about shrinking what she takes to work. There's anywhere from 3 to 7 people in a van and there's not enough room for everyone to have two bags. The point of it was just to reduce clutter and point out that space is limited.

It's that simple.

But now the coworker wants to know who it was, and has been asking.

Before writing this, I did relapse. I was frustrated with the fact that I have gained 6 pounds, in 4 weeks. When I started college I was 120 lbs, and now I am 170 lbs. 50 lbs difference. and my clothing doesn't fit right. Now I"m on a plan to work out everyday for 15-30 minutes, and to start running.

I know things have to change, and when the time is right, I may talk with said coworker. But to be honest, does it matter, if the problem has now gone away. It's almost like saying move on to the coworker... but she does not forget things like this... just holds a grudge. And I don't care for how much she talks, and most of the time it's to no one in the van.

But for tonight, I will try not to go insane, and stay up for as long as I can to prepare for work tomorrow.