Thoughts from the psych ward

Where am I going? Who am I?

I'm not crazy, yet I'm treated like I can't control my actions.
I'm not my illness.
My illness controls me.
Who am I?
I do not know or understand anymore
Where is the answer as to who I am.

I don't want to face the truth

Red and yellow

Trigger warning!!

Red and yellow chips stare back at me me. Did I really earn them? Was it all a lie?! I may have not acted physically but what about mentally..... Does anyone truly become unaddicted? Truth is no. Addiction is a progressive disease. Is it a disease? Or just a symptom of something else? For me it's that something else. How do I know? I really don't know but it's a feeling.

Through addiction, I have lost my mind. This week it nearly killed me. I wanted to lose control of my car right into a barrier. Glad I didn't but at the same time I know what caused it.

I was talking to some friends in recovery about how angry I am with God. How he let things happen to stir into motion what has happened. What did happen? Is that what you really want to know?

Well since you asked.

He left me! I went on vacation and stopped having time for myself, then had anxiety attacks that got worse from every time, more intense. And then kicked my butt out of college, twice!! I had to fight for my degree. Which I received 18 months after finishing the credits. During one attack he, God showed me things I will not forget or tell. Besides you wouldn't believe me anyway. Now nearly 12 years later, I'm an addict. I'm trying to turn my life around but at the same time splitting inside. I'm literally taking myself and creating different parts and not knowing about each part.

Needless to say I'm miserable.

Wanting to die was Monday and today is Sunday. Almost a week. Now I want to just cry for hours! Well no I don't!

I just want the pain to be over! Is that too hard to ask for??????!!!!! Obviously it is. Pain never ends that fast! No matter how much we want it to end.

What was my point today???

I want..... What do I want??????¿

That's the ultimate question. Right now I don't know what I want! I don't really know what my values are or anything that I want.

Am I already gone?

Do I want to accept what I have been dealt? Am I just scared? Do I need a vacation but can't take one....... Or do I just need time. How do I feel again?

Could this be happening?? and BUGS!!

Two things happening at once, and the start of term. Let me explain....

First of all the last few days I have been battling BUGS!! Real bugs that are annoying and  I have killed everyone that I saw. But in that I see little problems that I have faced and overcome.

Second a boy. who turned into a virtual friend. and then a virtual boyfriend.... I have not met this man. I'm getting anxious to meet him. But we are hours apart.

And the start of term. Am I ready for all this?? Have I overcome enough to start this class or am I still not up to a high enough standard?? Can I learn fast enough. Am I ready to go back to school??

The other thing, is I could be getting married soon. Do I want to plan a wedding at the same time as going to school??

Is this crazy to do all this, when I feel limited in mind due to medications?

Enough questions!!!!!

The bugs have been put to sleep... they shouldn't come in.

Second.... I will know once I meet this man.

Third education is important to me. I need to start today which means turning off the TV and turning up the music.