PInch me

I need to wake up from this nightmare. It's physically draining and ....... I haven't felt this crappy in several months and then it comes back as I try and stop self-harming. Addiction is funny like that, once your clean it comes back.

I try to focus and my mind goes to what's going on. I know by know what warning signs to look for, and what not to tell a Mental Health Professional. I can work around that... Right now I just want to wake up from this night mare, and actually feel awake. Not sure how much of this I can take.

I'm 14 days clean, and the challenge that I was given is to make it to day 21.... But I want to just get rid of all this pain. I want an escape. Not just to fall asleep.

Almost there

about an hour and I'll be fast asleep. Which means I've made it. Triggers were high and I did it!!! I didn't given in to addiction. On the not good side, I still have a lot to read and study before classes and lectures. I should have been studying all day but I didn't and I just have to work harder tomorrow. I did get one assignment done but it cause a lot of issues.... I'm beginning to see many cognitive distortions.

But....

I'm 5 days clean from an addiction and I so want to just start over, but I'm also tired of starting over. Then there's the negative effects of the last week. I down played it to my Therapist, he thinks that its from the addiction that's been hard. I can barely put it on screen as to what is going on. I just can't see it, or even tell anyone. This could be a long night.