When I have time I'll be posting some notes online, things that I have noticed from research that I am doing... of course the source will be listed.
WARNING: If you are suicidal do NOT read on, close the page!! I take no responsibility for your actions, thoughts, or anything else.
Let me give you a preview....
Over the last month I have been studying Suicide. Trying to understand myself, through another who actually committed suicide. It's been helpful to me to realize some of the things that are the same between the two of us. When things start to turn around, the depression, the lost feeling, the emptiness, the pain would always return. We know it well if we have struggled and wrestled with suicide. He wrote a 14 page (or there about) suicide note. After reading it, I see a lot of myself in him. Things like, feeling absolutely happy, and then falling into the "pit." Trying to find things that improve our lives but finding nothing. And then going back to suicide... attempting if given the chance. Trying to find the best way to commit suicide.
This may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth. But we have to keep in mind that among my age group, Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in the United States. Suicide does happen, and then questions come up about if the life could be saved. If someone has been struggling for a long time, and has made up their mind, who knows but them if they want to be saved.
I don't mean to offend people, but it's the truth, at least from my perspective.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The return of classes
I'm back in school now, and I've been okay, mentally speaking. I'm taking 16 credits... am I crazy?! Anyway school has been going on for four days,and now with this big gap in my schedule, and talking with people... I just want to be back in my bubble...
And there's another good reason.... I was at work, counting the customers inventory, and then one of their associate's comes up and said, "Are you using the shelf tags?" and essential, didn't you see the sign.... I'm not an idiot... I just didn't think it was for the socks... I thought it was for the shoes on the top part of the section. She then proceeded to try and "help" me... in other words she got in my way of trying to "fix" the mistake... It turns out, out of 23 spots... only 6 items where out of place.... It didn't warrant a sign like the one that was there... Oh and normally that is the store's fault... not ours... so I told her off, and basically responded very annoyed right back too her...What else could I have done... well I had to get to class so I left right afterwards. It just made me mad to be talked to like that.
The question on my mind is simple... will the return of anxious, suicidal me come back this semester? Or will I have a semester where my grades are good, and I feel very good.... Am I taking to much on??
So many questions.... and no answers to them...
And there's another good reason.... I was at work, counting the customers inventory, and then one of their associate's comes up and said, "Are you using the shelf tags?" and essential, didn't you see the sign.... I'm not an idiot... I just didn't think it was for the socks... I thought it was for the shoes on the top part of the section. She then proceeded to try and "help" me... in other words she got in my way of trying to "fix" the mistake... It turns out, out of 23 spots... only 6 items where out of place.... It didn't warrant a sign like the one that was there... Oh and normally that is the store's fault... not ours... so I told her off, and basically responded very annoyed right back too her...What else could I have done... well I had to get to class so I left right afterwards. It just made me mad to be talked to like that.
The question on my mind is simple... will the return of anxious, suicidal me come back this semester? Or will I have a semester where my grades are good, and I feel very good.... Am I taking to much on??
So many questions.... and no answers to them...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dissociated.... for over 30 min.
Today was very hard... and what saved me was counting backwards from 100 by 3. Hard to do, but it's what grounded me. I was in a meeting today, and started to notice myself slipping in to my head, I guess that's how to explain it. While I was in my head, I was having a fight with my Hillary, and needless to say, it didn't go very well. I was starting to panic and slip into an anxiety attack (started to notice shaking and just weakness), and that's when I used the counting backwards, well first of all it was forward, and when that didn't work then I went backwards by 9, and then 3, since 3 was easier to think through.
Afterwards the meeting was starting to end, I was starting to come out of it, but very, very slowly. I was able to stand and respond to people (to a point) but then was in and out of reality. It took writing to get me out of it completely.
Now as I sit here writing this, it brings up fear, and the fight that was transpiring as that happened just a few hours earlier. I feel like I'm falling harder this time, and I don't know this all just feels weird.... What part of me wants, just doesn't work for the other part. If that makes any sense.
I'm scared that this will happen again and I'll start to do something, without being aware of the pain, and then all will end.
Afterwards the meeting was starting to end, I was starting to come out of it, but very, very slowly. I was able to stand and respond to people (to a point) but then was in and out of reality. It took writing to get me out of it completely.
Now as I sit here writing this, it brings up fear, and the fight that was transpiring as that happened just a few hours earlier. I feel like I'm falling harder this time, and I don't know this all just feels weird.... What part of me wants, just doesn't work for the other part. If that makes any sense.
I'm scared that this will happen again and I'll start to do something, without being aware of the pain, and then all will end.
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