Fear

I'm changing the content of this blog.. But just for today... I want to focus on my fears and a book called "A Year without Fear" by Tama Kieves. (ISBN: 978-0-399-17353-0) I found this book at the library and wanted to dive into living without fear. I encourage you to buy the book.... as soon as I can I think I'll get it. :)

I was on top of a ladder, one with 12 or so steps and became fearful of heights, then I thought, of all that could happen and it impacted me. I've been afraid of falling off the ladder, which is very common. But today, I want to focus on that and find something to help me overcome my fears, and this book seems like the best place to start.... "Today, I love with boldness. I'm not worried about taking the 'right' actions" This seems to fit the situation. I was afraid that I was not taking the correct actions to keep me safe on  top of a ladder.

The previous day talks about saying no to some actions, I have the opportunity to say no, and to say yes. This weekend there is a conference that I want to go to... but it all depends on work. Or I could just say no to work, and say yes the the conference. Decisions, Decisions, but I will not live my life in fear of doing something. That is just something that I have done way too much.

I looked ahead at another date and found this, "Today, I take my time. I have nothing to prove." Now I have to say Wait a minute!!!!!! Taking my time to do things because I have nothing to prove... how can this be. But then I look up and see that Artists take their time in perfecting their creations, just like musicians!!! I don't have to prove anything to myself, Just have to be the best that I can be.

I think that's enough for today. Now to go back to 12 step reading to overcome an addiction. At least I am awake and wanting to do other things than just watch Netflix all day long.

This is a little sample in hopes that many others will buy the book. I will not post more than this, But I can't wait to read the rest of the days. :) Dates not used on purpose. Happy hunting.

I feel so much better after posting this, it has helped me to see that I have lived in fear for quite a long time and, it needs to end. I can't wait to read the rest of the book and journal about it in my personal journal. Although I may share my insights here.

Certificate or Master's

What's on my mind??? The title of this post says it all!! I'm thinking of a graduate degree, and don't know the way to go yet. There are so many different programs out there, that I wonder which one is right for me. I'm a recovering addict, and have been through the ringer of different issues with anxiety. I understand the mind, and know that I want to do something with helping people, that I just don't know which or the many to apply for. (have to have the money to do so first, and that's the hard part) I'm sitting in a class trying to focus, but my mind is on the many options that I have available.

I know I like small groups but I have the other side of this to think about..... the mental side. With being a recovering addict, and recovering from depression, this gets in the way of the future because of triggers coming up and triggering me into the old way of thinking.

Personal care is the key to knowing how to help myself to help others. But how do I keep from getting triggered?? I guess that comes with practice, and PsychCentral will help with that. For those that don't know, PsychCentral is a community of people with mental health concerns, where we can help each other get through the tests of life. I normally don't put my personal feelings on here, but this site has helped me get through some of the hard days, by letting me know that I am not alone. There are others out there that have been there, and are there now.

I don't know the answer yet to the question but at least I know what I am doing from today on, and that is continuing to look for programs that I can start, with and without the GRE and/or MAT. I just wonder what I can find, and what state this will require me to go to... Time will tell. :)

On the mental side of things, I have seen some improvements that allow me to even think about continuing my education, but I know that the job that I really want requires more schooling than what  I currently have. I just have to find the right program at the right time, to do what I really want to do. I just don't know what I want because I'm not in full recovery, but I am getting close.

The future

What's next? That's the main question. I finished my degree. I want into my field but, I need more schooling.

I have way too much time on my hands. I'm trying to figure out what to do, there's too many options!

I know I'm not the only one that has asked, but what do I do with myself? Having too much time for an addict is dangerous! I slipped this week and went back into my addictions. That's what time with nothing exciting has done. I'm not as happy this week as I was last week, what changed? That's what I'm trying to figure out..... and I haven't yet. Besides the shame, over the slip.... that's it! It has too be. I realize that I messed up, and I'm sharing it with some people is hard but I have too. Good bye addiction,  we are through!