"Is this just a dream?" (If only, Dove Cameron) Am I living in a dream state? Every word just seems to be too much. I have so much to do, yet no will to do them. I have two posts to write, but no words inside me. There is so much emotion that I just can't deal with everything. I want an out! "Am I crazy? Will you still be with me when the magic soars? Is this just a dream?"
Who am I meant to be?? I'm feeling good emotions but they feel like... suffocation. There so intense..... then a new song comes on Pandora..... from Pitch Perfect..... I just have a lot on my mind and none of this is getting out. so here goes............
"Hit me with your best shot," at least that's what some say....... I haven't used my addiction in 5 days... not had sex in 21 days...So far so good.... I haven't really even thought about it. I've been so busy yet so unavailable to others... Does this even make sense?
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Where to Start???
I have so many books to read and no place where to start. I feel like they all are important to what has been happening.... Let me explain. I keep engaging in addiction and I feel like I'm failing. So why do I feel Not Capable??????
I feel like because I was on an IEP and a 504 that I am not capable of living. Yet I see everyday that I am, because I see people that struggle everyday with trying to just live. Why can I not look at my strengths... What even are my strengths?
Smart, Intelligent, Funny much more than that I don't know..... I don't feel beautiful, because I hate how I look. I hate the way that I act....I guess part of this is I just hate me. So how can I feel capable when I hate who I am... I'm trying to change and it's really hard to know where even to start.
I go back to why do I feel so incapable.
Because I learn differently from others, because I don't work as hard, because I fail at things I start due to not being perfect.
SO what if I learn differently form others, it's none of their business how I learn, because I'm me and they are them.
It's been a month since I wrote the above......
Now I find that there is a pattern that leads to a core belief.
Anxiety leads to Fear.
Fear leads to "I have to get through this"
"I have to get through this" leads to "I can't do this"
"I can't do this" leads to "I'm invisible"
"I'm invisible" leads to "I don't matter"
"I don't matter" leads to "I'm not good enough"
That feeling of not being good enough can be combated with my achievements. I have 2 degrees and I'm working on a certificate in a grad school. How Cool is that?! I also have this blog, and can play musical instruments. I am good enough.
I could work harder
I feel like because I was on an IEP and a 504 that I am not capable of living. Yet I see everyday that I am, because I see people that struggle everyday with trying to just live. Why can I not look at my strengths... What even are my strengths?
Smart, Intelligent, Funny much more than that I don't know..... I don't feel beautiful, because I hate how I look. I hate the way that I act....I guess part of this is I just hate me. So how can I feel capable when I hate who I am... I'm trying to change and it's really hard to know where even to start.
I go back to why do I feel so incapable.
Because I learn differently from others, because I don't work as hard, because I fail at things I start due to not being perfect.
SO what if I learn differently form others, it's none of their business how I learn, because I'm me and they are them.
It's been a month since I wrote the above......
Now I find that there is a pattern that leads to a core belief.
Anxiety leads to Fear.
Fear leads to "I have to get through this"
"I have to get through this" leads to "I can't do this"
"I can't do this" leads to "I'm invisible"
"I'm invisible" leads to "I don't matter"
"I don't matter" leads to "I'm not good enough"
That feeling of not being good enough can be combated with my achievements. I have 2 degrees and I'm working on a certificate in a grad school. How Cool is that?! I also have this blog, and can play musical instruments. I am good enough.
I could work harder
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Step 0... AKA Pre-step 1 work
It's time to come out of pre-contemplation and into contemplation. If you don't know I'm a Sex Addict. I have taken it upon myself to try doing this with just the help of the professionals, until I can find a sponsor to talk with. Until then, I'll put some of my recovery items on here. I choose to do this because I need to be honest with myself, and honestly this is the best way for me to really think about this journey that I'm on.
What else do I do but go to Google?!
I found several good resources, one called the "Triangle SAA Getting Started- Writing a Sobriety Plan" and I find that it is the one to start with... so here goes. I want to say thank you to those that have written this, the responses will be on here but the questions please go to: http://www.saatriangle.org
This class is 8 weeks long..... I hope I can stick with it.
For tonight I will just Read from Addictive Shame Cycle. Then tomorrow I will work on the next bullet and so forth.
Reactions from Reading Mahatma Gandhi poem
Beliefs are the basic building blocks of your destiny. That seems like it sums it up quite well. Awareness is the first key to fighting back on beliefs. More importantly a Plan is only as good as it is followed... and I've learned I need to work at following plans.
A plan is only as good as it is developed and followed. What are some of the reasons why I hate following plans? I believe that..... And then my mind goes blank. I hate following plans because I like to stand out, but that's the addiction talking, not me. I'm good at planning things but I find myself trying to follow them, because I make them too complex. That's the Key, don't make it too complex that one can not follow the plan.
There are three questions resulting triggers... and I need to adopt them for my situation.
Am I feeling horny?
If I am horny what stage of the Addictive Shame cycle am I on right now?
What is my plan for dealing with this feeling?
I have found that sometimes it's just a feeling that I can't identify but at the same time, I'm trying to hide my feelings from myself because it's a learned skill. Now it's time to get out of it.....so I ask these questions right now.
Right now I am feeling like I want to use, because I am triggered to avoid feeling.... Like What??? What the heck am I feeling right now??? So I go back to Inside Out..... a Disney Movie that recognizes 5 emotions, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Right now I am feeling Disgust in the fact that I have to focus on this addiction. Anger that I can't get past this addiction with more than a few days. Fear that what will happen in the next 2 days will not go well. Sadness that I am still up....
Joy in the fact that I have a very exciting day tomorrow. That's a lot of emotions and I am feeling none of them heavily. So how do I choose just one emotion that over powers the rest.... I should change the step one to this...
We admitted we were powerless over our emotions and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Sex addiction is just a symptom of a greater disease. Addiction to feeling ambivalent. Even as I type that it doesn't feel real. Honestly I am a Codependent. But the time is now 12:30 am... It's time to read for a bit and go to sleep.
What else do I do but go to Google?!
I found several good resources, one called the "Triangle SAA Getting Started- Writing a Sobriety Plan" and I find that it is the one to start with... so here goes. I want to say thank you to those that have written this, the responses will be on here but the questions please go to: http://www.saatriangle.org
This class is 8 weeks long..... I hope I can stick with it.
For tonight I will just Read from Addictive Shame Cycle. Then tomorrow I will work on the next bullet and so forth.
Reactions from Reading Mahatma Gandhi poem
Beliefs are the basic building blocks of your destiny. That seems like it sums it up quite well. Awareness is the first key to fighting back on beliefs. More importantly a Plan is only as good as it is followed... and I've learned I need to work at following plans.
A plan is only as good as it is developed and followed. What are some of the reasons why I hate following plans? I believe that..... And then my mind goes blank. I hate following plans because I like to stand out, but that's the addiction talking, not me. I'm good at planning things but I find myself trying to follow them, because I make them too complex. That's the Key, don't make it too complex that one can not follow the plan.
There are three questions resulting triggers... and I need to adopt them for my situation.
Am I feeling horny?
If I am horny what stage of the Addictive Shame cycle am I on right now?
What is my plan for dealing with this feeling?
I have found that sometimes it's just a feeling that I can't identify but at the same time, I'm trying to hide my feelings from myself because it's a learned skill. Now it's time to get out of it.....so I ask these questions right now.
Right now I am feeling like I want to use, because I am triggered to avoid feeling.... Like What??? What the heck am I feeling right now??? So I go back to Inside Out..... a Disney Movie that recognizes 5 emotions, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Right now I am feeling Disgust in the fact that I have to focus on this addiction. Anger that I can't get past this addiction with more than a few days. Fear that what will happen in the next 2 days will not go well. Sadness that I am still up....
Joy in the fact that I have a very exciting day tomorrow. That's a lot of emotions and I am feeling none of them heavily. So how do I choose just one emotion that over powers the rest.... I should change the step one to this...
We admitted we were powerless over our emotions and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Sex addiction is just a symptom of a greater disease. Addiction to feeling ambivalent. Even as I type that it doesn't feel real. Honestly I am a Codependent. But the time is now 12:30 am... It's time to read for a bit and go to sleep.
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