Last Few Months

Last few months have been Great...

Total sarcasm..

To be serious the last month has been a gigantic pain!!

In December I got a Job... Yea. But my actual starting the job on my own wasn't for quite some time. That new job turned into lots of worry and stress and I am only part time.

So my sex addiction has been interesting, I have used 6 times in 2 months, and in the last month its been 2 days. and they happen to be the last two.

I had worked 21 hours in three days and used it as an excuse... But I did make a choice a long before that that I would because I was afraid, afraid of how my parents would react to me taking the sacrament. so therefore it would be better to wait until they adjusted. HA!! That's what the addict believed in me. The truth is I just never really wanted to talk to them about their behavior regarding my fear. So I didn't and that resulted in a slip.

So now I have learned about myself, and when I procrastinate I mess up, slip up, act out, whatever you want to call it!

Am I done with this acting out cycle...??

That's what one of my "sisters" asked me. Am I done with this addiction? Am I done with it ruining my life?? Can I turn it over to someone else? Do I know how to do that.... Well I didn't know how to walk and I saw that done, and mastered that. I had my falls but I mastered walking to the best of my ability. I can do that here with this sex addiction. If I want to act out or get on and watch pornography,  I can simply just do a pleasurable activity or talk it out like the SAA program says. I was going to share where that is in the Green book but I just don't remember the page number.

Christmas

I sit down at a blank screen. Well now it's not. But you get the picture, I wonder what this week will bring. It's been a while since I last posted and so much has happened. Meaning BIG things. Many that I don't have answers for, and still hope to have the answers. I saw my ophthalmologist and she saw some inflammation on my optic nerve. I had a brain MRI, which came back normal. But now since I have been getting headaches the doctors want to do a spinal tap. Well, that's on Tuesday and I get anxious just thinking about it. Can I hold still?? Will it hurt?? not to mention, What is wrong?? or is there something wrong?! I still don't know and it's Christmas, I should be happy but I'm not.

Then my psychiatrist wants to put me on a medication that is non-formulary on the insurance company. Which means I can't take that one without approval... and so far that's the second medication that hasn't been approved. I think its because they don't have the full medical record of every drug that I have been on, but what do I know?! Or maybe we should try some of the medications that have worked for a bit with each other and see if it makes a difference. Honestly it's a nightmare and I want something to change. Mainly ME to change!!! But when I feel like crap and don't want to do anything, do I just have to force myself to do things... that doesn't seem right?!

Then I have 20 days, well almost 21 days, will I blow it again??? Or will I continue on my path of recovery. So far, I don't feel like searching for a man online, I just hope that I'll find one after I change, or before I'm not picky. I just hope that I find him. The past few months have been about finding my husband, but looking in the wrong places. I just hope that I can, I hope I can get into a good space to find a man.

Update...

Many things are happening. I found out that my optical nerves are inflamed. And the doctors are not sure why. I think it's because of a medication. So, they ran an MRI and found no masses, but they want to do a spinal tap. I'm getting used to the idea of it but I'm still scared. Tonight i have anxiety higher than normal. I have also been suicidal. Honestly I don't know what is med and what is circumstance I'm so confused. I thought writing this out would be helpful but all it does is make me want to cry.

So the last 2 months have been filled with lots of time on my hands. Many days with using sex and relationships to get rid of stress and anxiety. All the more creating more stress and anxiety.

I'm getting to tired yet I don't want to sleep..... Why is that? I want to...... I don't know I'm not yet I am tired. I hope I fall asleep tonight. I hope I can just stay safe. God help me.