Sugar

I felt a little down and not wanting to do much, and then something struck, and I knew I had to look up the relationship between the brain and sugar. There's the article that I found.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/13/why-sugar-is-dangerous-to-depression/
So Here's my experiment, Tomorrow, I will limit sugar intake, and control my carbs. and see how I feel. If there is a change then I know I will have to limit sugar. Since tonight, I don't want to do much, and I just want to curly up and do nothing.

A part of Recovery

There are several things a part of recovery that I have not addressed yet. Today, I am attempting to change that. A part of recovery is the need for physical activity, and for enjoyment. I plan on increasing to 5 times a week, walking, running, workout dvd's, and anything else. As for enjoyment I plan on increasing my practicing to 6 days a week for at least an hour.

I have two reasons why I add this. For the physical activity, the simple reason is to improve my overall health, and with that I also need to control my sugar intake (it's a bit high... okay a lot high). As for the enjoyment part I have an audition that is coming up, very quickly and I need to prepare for this audition.

My reasons to keep in mind:
1) I need to decrease my weight, to change my cholesterol, and blood sugar.
2) I have an Audition on the 20th and I have to be ready
3) I just need to move on, and try and get away from the co-dependency issues that I have.

Even while writing this up I still want pain, still want to stay in this path, and just not change, but if I don't then I could be come obese, and I can't have that. I have pants that are NOT fitting right, and I want to change that before it is too late.

I know doing this for the right reasons won't be enough for me, so I have to do this will a little bit of positive reinforcements. But right now I can't think of anything good enough. If I do well on my audition and get into the group then I will take the time to watch a movie. As for my weight, I want to be able to do pushups without hitting the ground for longer than a half second. When I can do that, I can allow myself to get something from Hostess.

I now open myself to vulnerability, and allow myself to feel free.

Spiral

I went on a vacation, and had a great time, I come back, and then have to deal with a roommate who is self-absorbed, and that right there, doesn't help. I feel like she doesn't care, like she should since she is my sister. But her being the first born, apparently she's too busy to even care about my life.

So I get home to that, and I feel really crappy, and start the spiral down. I wanted to SI, so I did. and I slept in, and didn't get things done. So then I SI'ed yet again. I tried to hang around people, but I want to SI yet again. I should be sleeping, but I'm still up and it's almost midnight. I want this pain to just end, I don't want to have to deal with the sister that is concerned more with her, then the rest of us.

I just wish that she would see the issues, but she's the broken one. But that fact is hard to remember.